Not sure if I need advice or just a rant. I feel as if my marriage has fallen apart. DH and I have been married for 10 years. I feel less and less close to him. More than that, I think I’m actually starting to hate him and feel repulsed by him. 2 years ago we had an IVF baby and I ended up extremely unwell with severe depression and psychosis.
Our daughter is wonderful, sparky, clever and funny. The flip side is that she’s pretty high needs and very sensitive. At 2 years old she still only wants me, several times a day she routinely screams for well over an hour, she likes things “just so” and immediately goes to “defcon” because of something like a clothes label. In many ways I blame myself because I had severe perinatal depression and psychosis. I figure it must have been her exposure to all my stress hormones or my medication that has wired her like this.
DH just seems to withdraw from her. He doesn’t put himself forward or take the initiative to entertain or distract her. We discussed him trying to spend more time with her over the Christmas holidays, so she has a closer bond with him and isn’t so dependent on me. But he’s spent the grand total of 1 hour one-on-one with her since the 21st. When he talks to her he always sounds annoyed and sarcastic (“Yep, that’s really helpful”... “Right so we’re throwing food now are we?”). I try to gently remind him that she’s 2. Yes it’s not behaviour to encourage, but she needs simple sentences.
He literally will not do anything in the house, cleaning, DIY, sort out a plumber when the toilet’s blocked etc. I had to unblock a shitty toilet myself with a toddler trying to get involved, scrub the floors with her in a sling. Cook a meals restraining a colicky baby.
He finishes work at 5pm but never hurries home. Despite it being a 30 minute cycle, is usually home about 6.30. It might not sound like much, but it means that things are very fraught as DD is overtired and clings to me. In addition he is meant to be doing bath and bedtime with her. But invariably arrives home when she’s fed and bathed and I’m trying to keep her awake just to see him. In addition, I often work nights and need him to be home on time soI can have a shower and get ready.
He’d never had a very high sex drive prior but in the past 3 years we’ve had sex 4 times. Initially I wanted to be close to him, but he’s rejected me so many times and I’ve begun to dislike him in so many other aspects that I no longer want to either.
When I try to open a dialogue with him about our relationship he seems to just respond with “Well, life gets in the way” or “Great, so it’s my fault is it?!”. I feel so alone. I know it must have been awful for him to see me so unwell. Although he also tells me he thinks a lot of how I was feeling was normal and my sister, midwife etc all later said they didn’t think he understood how bad things were. Anyhow, I guess he’s no longer attracted to me and/or not enjoying having a child. But I feel like she didn’t ask to be born. We chose to have a child and we have to step up. I literally fought this voice in my head telling me to throw myself in front of a lorry, daily, for 8 months, because I knew my daughter needed me to get better.
Sorry for the ramble. I just don’t know where to go from here. I often feel I’d do better to ask for a divorce and go it alone. Then I think that marriages have ups and downs, maybe things will improve. On the other hand, he seems to be in total denial and refuses to even talk about it, so how?