When is "enough" enough?

[OhHeyItsMe]

I've started the new year lying alone in bed - because my husband did not come home to me. He is a functioning alcoholic/addict and goes on a bender once a month and does not come home until he's sobered up (or goes to sleep in the spare room, like this morning).

He acknowledges he has a problem and wants to get sober, but only manages two to four weeks before relapsing again. He has been going to alcohol counselling (although not very regularly...), and is scheduled to meet with a psychiatrist this week to discuss going on meds to get him off the booze.

We have a DS who is 2, and I'm 7 months pregnant with DS2. Yes, what a great situation I've put myself in, I know.

I'm not from the UK and have no friends or family who can support me here. I'm a SAHM (and self-employed) and DH pays all the rent and bills.

I've woken up this morning thinking "this cannot be my life. This can't be my purpose on this planet, constantly waiting for someone else to fall off the wagon while I keep the ship from sinking."

If I leave, I will have to move away from the UK in order to be closer to family and friends. But I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

Do I just have to decide what I can put up with? Do I give him more time to see if counselling will help him? When do I know when enough is enough?

In your position I would seriously think about going home to my family and friends I think. I loved witj- although did not have kids with- a functioning alcoholic, and living with him was a rollercoaster of misery.

Perhaps if you do leave, even temporarily, this could be the shock he needs. Could you and DS1 go and stay with your parents and ride it out there for a few months while you finish the pregnancy/have the baby and see if that kicks him up the arse to do something?

💐💐.
I am so sorry - awful situation.
I think you need to go and talk to someone for yourself. If Al anon is in your country that is a great resource - sister organisation to AA with focus on supporting family members.
Only you can decide when enough.
You cannot fix his addiction. Only he can.

Focus on the children - if you were to go home now is the maternity and health care system good for late pregnancy / baby delivery / first few months - if so then do it.
A two year old needs happy mum at the time of arrival of a sibling so focus on that first.
Later on you can think about schools / housing / job etc - for now find the best place to start building your nest.

Thank you for your replies.

I think at this stage, it would be a logistical nightmare to move before I have the baby. I suppose I have to give myself X amount of time to recover after the birth before I can realistically move away.

Al Anon would be a good option, but I find it very hard to arrange childcare while I attend meetings. But I will try.

I'm just so tired. Something needs to change.

Sorry to hear this - the impending arrival of your 2nd child should be a wonderful time. Perhaps you could arrange to go and stay with your family after the baby is born. Assuming DH doesnt get help it might make him realise what he will loose. Its good that he recognises he has a problem as he is the only one that can do something about it - but would being alone make him do something positive? Wishing you well

From second hand experience, it's a slippery slide between functioning and non-functioning alcoholic.

Is your H safe around your DC? Is he setting a good example to your DC, however little they are? Besides booking in to see a psychiatrist, is he taking any other meaningful steps to come off the drugs and drink? Can you forsee more problems down the line or some that may already be apparent - work related issues, domestic abuse of any kind, an inability to accept actual personal accountability for his actions/choices?

I'd hasten a guess at no to all of the above.

I think you need to go home.

I would go now before baby is born.

Alcoholics can recover , only if they want to. Has he tried antabuse or similar medications?

You’ll need legal advice. You can’t remove the children from the country without his permission.

how much more of a logistical nightmare would it be to move a breastfeeding newborn and a 2-3yrs old?

The trouble is when someone is afflicted with addiction, their primary relationship is with their addiction and everything else is secondary. All you can really do is remove yourself from the situation in the safest, most practical way. You need to look out for yourself and your children first.