How do I snap myself out of this for 2019?

[CarrieMayBe]

Marriage ended exactly 2yrs ago due to exH having an affair. Ripped our family apart, nasty divorce ensued which culminated in decree absolute 3 weeks ago.

I lost mine and the childrens' beautiful home, although we have moved somewhere nice it will never be as nice.

I spent Christmas alone with the children and although I made sure the children had a wonderful day, I have never felt so lonely. Having no other adult to bounce off, share present ideas with, laugh with in the kitchen whilst cooking dinner etc... I just found it so hard. I then spent 4 nights alone when children went to Ex's.

They came back last night and here I am tonight, trying to make an effort for NYE with the children (they want to see the new year in but I just want to sleep through it), exH is in a hotel somewhere with his new GF.

I am so bitter about how he has left me, and although I would never want him back, and I am not jealous of his new relationship because honestly, she is welcome to him. But I don't want him to be happy whilst I'm
Not. I want him to feel all the things I'm feeling, the loneliness, the sadness, the weight of the responsibility of running a household alone and doing the majority of the childcare. I want him to be miserable in punishment for what he has put us through.

However, I know this is not healthy. I know I need to get past this. And I am certain if I could find a new partner I wouldn't give two shits about what he is up to.

I want to start a new year afresh and leave all the resentment and anger behind me but how? ANyone felt the same and managed to get past it?

Find a new hobby! You will make a new friends and gain some confidence. Last year I turned to running! Done few half marathons, met amazing people, confidence through the roof and running clears my head

That is exactly the sort of thing I need to do. I can actually run, I haven't for a long time and I always did it alone. Did you join a running club or do parkruns?

I did c2-5k this year Op and it’s the best thing I ever did. I’ve made some really great friends through it and although I’ll never do a marathon it’s great I’m doing this as I was never sporty before. I joined through my local running club if you were a runner before you’ve still got it !!!

Yup! Get a banging new hobby honestly! And the friendship circles will change too

I know how you feel. Though not in exactly the same circumstances
It’s very hard to feel ok about someone else being happy when you don’t feel that way. Do not beat yourself up about it.
I agree a hobby. Is there a course you want to do. Is there something you’ve always thought about, cooking classes, book club
Skydiving.
I am going to force myself to go and do some of these things too. (Not skydiving!)

We have to try and get out there. I am fed up of feeling sad whilst he’s perfectly fine. And even if I would never be with him now I wish to hell that he wasn’t happy, but there’s nothing much I can do about that, so we have to try and make ourselves happy.

Remember when your dc get older and less dependant, you will be the' go to' dp, the loved and highly respected dp. The one they want to hang out with dp.
Trust me op.
The more you put in is truly what you get back with dc.
Ime.

How about things like yoga and daily meditation? (The headspace or Buddhify apps are good) Get into the whole "self care" thing.

Read books, hot bubble baths, drawing, join an art class or cooking class, book group, join a choir, etc. Get into a fun exercise like dance or roller skating or a team sport like netball. Cook a new recipe each week using new ingredients. Volunteer.

Basically, fill your life with things for you - be selfish, find things that bring you joy.

I would feel the same way. Maybe when the kids are with him can you go out with friends? Cinema trips etc? Also I recommend writing a bucket list and perhaps starting to complete things you would of never done with him? It could be exciting xx

I have lots of friends but not one of them is single. I have at least one night every weekend free but nobody to go out with as they all want to spend time with their partners, which is fair enough.

I've done all the online dating things but I've lost all my confidence recently.

I can't believe, 2yrs on, I feel pretty much back where I started. I felt better than this 12 months ago! Everything is over now, the divorce is done, I'm financially comfortable and more importantly there are no more unknowns - where we'll live, when it will happen - I should finally be happy. Maybe it was the stress that kept me going?

@CarrieMayBe

I understand how you're feeling. Do you think you're depressed?

I certainly feel depressed but, having suffered from depression numerous times over the years, I don't feel like I need any treatment other than to get a life!

I know if I was busy, saw friends and did things with them or had a partner to do nice things with I'd be happy as Larry.

I'm just so lonely. Although, took the kids to the coast today as was determined not to sit around moping and we had a wonderful time. We've come back exhausted but happy. I'm so much better when they're with me.

I just need to keep busy, I don't work many hours as childcare is non existent outwith the time they spend with their dad. I earn a good wage though so don't need to work any more hours than I do but it leaves me alone at home for the vast majority of the week. Which really doesn't help.

It sounds like you need to build your confidence back up, don't be hard on yourself, it takes time after something like this. I think the exercise groups sound good. What about counselling if there's bits that are stuck that you keep processing? Sometimes they can help with that.

Good luck.

OP you sound lovely. And intelligent and kind.

I have no experience of what you are going through, but I can say that having a lot of time to reflect ie when the kids are with your ex, probably won’t help. Try and fill the time with something that is productive and something to look forward to.

I went to the cinema for the first time alone last week. I hated every minute on the way there and felt so sad. When I left I felt great and I now can’t wait to go again on my own

I think push the boundaries slightly and see where you end up. I get that you want your ex to feel shit like you have - but I am sure his time will come for sadness - you don’t truly know what his relationship is like with this woman either. Chances are it won’t even last.

I started running alone (I’m a loner), but every time I sign up for race I bumped into some interesting people and we became friends

I don’t have many childfree friends and find it’s the same. They get lost in their life and families.
The one thing I found was if I didn’t organise anything then nothing happened, so you have to be really proactive, which can be a bit depressing in itself.
I’m sure some of your friends will want to hang out with you. No one wants to be with their partner every waking hour of the day.

Aside from that, trying to make new friends? It’s bloody difficult as you get older. But it can be done.

Bless you OP.
You've been running on adrenalin for a long while getting everything sorted.
And now it is!!!
And now you can relax and then the 'crash' follows.
It shouldn't last too long.
But you really do need to get out there.
Find a hobby.
Connect with people.
You've done the really hard bit.
You've done so well.
Now it's time to move forward.
Scary....?? YEP!
But thoroughly liberating when you get there!

Remember wishing bad on him is like drinking the poison hoping he will die.
You are early days through this. Could you manage to work more hours so you could save up and bring them all on a lovely holiday. Do something adventurous. When going to the coast gives you a lift multiply that and plan somewhere away at the next holiday.
Things will get better.

I suspect you're right, I have crashed. All the stress of the past 2yrs has supposedly ended and now I find myself thinking 'is this it? Is this what I've been dreaming of for so long?' Because i think in my head I built it up to be such a huge relief when it was all over, I would feel so free and happy and all my problems would be gone.

The reality is, I'm still lonely and have nothing to drive me forward; nothing to strive for. I'm just so consumed with hatred and bitterness not only for my ex (who, I can honestly say I wouldn't piss on were he on fire) but for what he has put us all through with seemingly no guilt or even understanding. He honestly believes the children have come through unscathed, he doesn't see things like my youngest child sobbing at bedtime because he misses our old house and just wants things back to how they were before his dad left.

I'm already planning to take the children abroad this summer. It will be a huge thing for us all as my ex didn't do holidays, they have never been on a plane! I can afford to do this, I am in a very fortunate position where I am financially comfortable which is one of the reasons I feel so stupid for being so miserable, I know full well my life could be so much more difficult.

Children go back to school tomorrow and I am going to go and sign up at the gym. I feel this will be quite a step forward to start with 😊

Thats brilliant you have a plan, for tomorrow and for the Summer. Taking your 3 abroad on your own will give you a huge boost of confidence and show you how strong you are getting and what a good life you are giving your kids.