How to deal with a toxic family member?

[Laura896]

Hi everyone, just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to deal with a toxic family member?

This seems to be an ongoing issue that's been around since I was a teenager so its nothing new, but obviously still upsets me. So I've lived alone before and we never really had much contact during this time. I started university last year and I've noticed more and more signs of her being 'toxic'.

Essentially everything seems okay while I'm not in the family home, as soon as I come back I will be ignored, or snide comments made at any opportunity. They've recently moved house and I no longer feel welcome in 'our home'. Whenever anything is planned for us to do something she'll either cancel or just say no when it comes round to it, she'll wait till I've left to go back to uni or otherwise to then send horrible messages usually stating I don't care, I never try to do anything with her, she's struggling so much and I'm the cause of this.

I've never done anything to cause any issues for her, I'm usually the one trying to help but at the moment I cannot allow myself to be hurt by her again as it's not exactly fair on my mental wellbeing. How can I approach yet another nasty message or snide behaviour in person when I do see her? She's the type of woman that somehow still manages to turn it around on you as she cannot accept responsibility for her own actions. Any advice would be grateful, I still want a relationship with her, I just want some advice to try and get it back on track and no longer feel like she's the child.

Is, this a mother, sister, aunt??

Mother

My mother

I wouldn't really try and respond, in fact I would gt a new number and ignore but thats me.

Just know its her not you and make plans to be elsewhere rather than with or near her - get others to do the donkey work. She does sound unwell and selfish - I doubt whether you will be able to change that

You should look at the 'But we took you to Stately Homes' thread in relationships here on MN OP, there are a lot of people on there in your situation who would have good advice.
Given her treatment of you and that you know she is a toxic person could you go low or no contact with her? It sounds like it would be better for your mental health if you did.

Fill your life with people that aren't toxic. You'll need other people to rely on in times of crisis and celebration. If you can't go no contact, move really far away so that contact is very limited. If you can't move really far away, fill your life with work/study/socialising/hobbies/charity work. Things that give you an out so you are unavailable. Don't make plans to see her.

Make sure you get counselling before you get involved in a long term relationship or have DC yourself.

Don't expect your DM to become normal at any stage. She isn't and won't. Stop believing anything she says.

Be open and honest with people about her. I don't think my DM likes me should cover it.

Look up the grey rock technique of dealing with toxic people.

It will give her less ammunition to hit you with.

Second the stately homes thread.