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Relationships

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Original poster

sexuality issue - does this need to be discussed now?

22 replies

max21234 · 31/12/2018 14:29

Hello, I would like some ( ideally non judgmental) advice from others.

I am a 39 year old guy, happily married with 2 kids. Married for 10 years and together for 16 - 100% monogamous since day one.

From an early age I always knew that I had the potential to be attracted to both sexes. I have only ever had heterosexual relationships though.

I have never thought much about this as It's not an issue - I am happily married with no desire to change anything. I recently overheard a similar conversation at work and one of my colleagues was saying how she would want to know if this was her husband. It's been on my mind since.

Would it be wise to discuss this with my wife at this stage? I 100% DO NOT want to make any changes to our marriage and my commitment to her will remain 100%.

I suppose that if I was looking to adopt a label it would 'bisexual; , however it seems a bit of a moot issue as I am in a monogamous heterosexual marriage.

Should I bring this up, and if so, how do I start this conversation??

OP posts:

Ovendoor · 31/12/2018 14:34

Sounds really confusing for you!
I'm torn, on the one hand, if you've no intention to act upon it, keep quiet. There's no point in causing drama unnecessarily.
However on the other, should she find out further down the line it could cause more hurt.

I think for now it may be best keeping it to yourself. This has only come about after hearing a conversation, and so put the guilt into your mind.

HollowTalk · 31/12/2018 14:34

How come this didn't crop up years and years ago? I think she'd be flabbergasted now if you told her, don't you?

DrStrangeBeard · 31/12/2018 14:35

Keep it to yourself if you want to keep things the status quo. If dh came out to me, I'd still love him but I'd be questioning our entire relationship and whatever other big things he'd been hiding from me.

sandi80 · 31/12/2018 14:43

Keep it to yourself. We all feel attracted to other people at times. It's your actions that matter and if you're not acting on it then I don't see the issue.

lemonface · 31/12/2018 14:45

I am the same as you, together many years and wont be doing anything about it but I know what you mean. For me its like I have this secret which feels wrong.

mindutopia · 31/12/2018 15:02

I think it’s fine to talk about it if it comes up in conversation. I don’t think you need to sit her down and make a big deal out of it though. Most of us have some degree of attraction to the same sex, whether we admit it or not.

I’ve had relationships in the past with guys who were attracted to men and women, but mostly only dated women. I’m attracted to both, but only have ever had an interest in being with a man (I wouldn’t consider myself bisexual for that reason). I don’t even know if my dh knows that. Who knows if it’s come up in conversation in the past? We’ve been together a long time. But if you’re happy and committed to your relationship, I don’t think it’s necessary to make a big deal over the types of bodies you might fantasise about.

RosaAbsolute · 31/12/2018 15:15

I don't see why you would bring it up unless you are wanting to act on it in any way.

ThePurpleOneIsOverrated · 31/12/2018 15:15

It's a tricky one. As a bisexual, I understand that it can be hard, as people's perceptions can often be that you're attracted to everyone and don't have any sexual boundaries or morals.

You should be able to say that you are who you are without repercussion, but I suppose the only thing I could understand is her potential worry that because you haven't had experience with a man, you may be more drawn to the idea, so you can see if it's really for you....iyswim.

Ask yourself though, why are you having this dilemma in the first place?

Sethis · 31/12/2018 15:19

In an ideal world, your wife would say "Huh, I never knew that!" And then shrug, and life would continue as it always has.

However this is not an ideal world we live in.

Unless you want to start bisexual swinging with your wife along with you then I really wouldn't bother bringing it up.

What are the positives, if you do tell her? What beneficial effects would there be?

What are the negatives? What bad things might happen?

Negatives could be catastrophic damage to the relationship, an end to your marriage, or badly hurt feelings that take a very long time to get over, if ever.

Positives are....?

SwordofGryffindor · 31/12/2018 16:30

Max.

This is so difficult. Some people erase no sexuality and some people will unfortunately think you are gay, while no girls are seen as being slutty or attention seekers.

But if I'm being honest if I found out my DP was gay I would be so hurt.

Because he didn't tell me and because I would make him leave. Make him leave because he never got to experience a whole other side to his sexuality.

Do you want to try it on with men?

Don't feel guilty please

SwordofGryffindor · 31/12/2018 16:31

A good way to bring it up - Watch a movie and comment on an attractive men. And just mention casually oh well I am bi..!

WindyQueen · 31/12/2018 17:14

My heart goes out to you OP.

Sorry SwordofGryffindor but can't think of a worse way of discussing it than casually during a film. This is a conversation that needs thought and consideration.

This is an important part of yourself that is valid in your relationship. Maybe introduce the idea of bisexuality in a neutral way to your partner to take the temperature on how they feel about it.

Good luck you and sending hugs

xoxo WindyQueen

LynetteScavo · 31/12/2018 17:23

I must be missing something...I don't even want to know if my DH fancies other women, so I don't want to know if he fancies men.

rwalker · 31/12/2018 20:43

You've never acted on it and say you never will so can't see the point. Very much doubt anything positive will come from it she might feel like you have lied to her all these years and what else have you lied about .If you can keep something like that from her for all these years might feel like she doesn't know you at all.

BertieBotts · 31/12/2018 20:58

I wouldn't bother TBH, just because a lot of people can be really weird about bisexuality and what it means - like the poster above who would "make her DP leave" because he "hadn't experienced a side of his sexuality" - WTF?? People seem to see it as this big thing whereas IMO it is not. I actually think most people are bi and it's unusual to be 100% gay or straight. Everyone has the potential to be attracted to a person even if it's something they hadn't considered before.

I once mentioned to my DH I was bi (but never been with a woman) and he insisted I couldn't possibly know as I'd never been, and then said he would think it was "fair enough" if I cheated with a woman, though he'd prefer to know about it rather than it being a secret affair. I made a face and we never really spoke of it again. It doesn't seem to bother him though. We do sometimes discuss people we find attractive (famous people, not RL people) and he sometimes mentions men so I assume he is bi too but he doesn't consider himself to be. Though perhaps he is discussing attraction in a more theoretical way, not actually wanting to be with somebody.

IMO I would just leave it and if it ever comes up just look surprised and say you thought she already knew, that it's no big deal since it's not something you're interested in acting on anyway so it doesn't matter and anyway isn't everyone a bit bi deep down?

But my sexuality has never felt like a burden to me (probably because to the outside world I am essentially straight) so perhaps if it does to you, it would be different.

Singlenotsingle · 31/12/2018 21:47

Do you really want to wreck your marriage? Go for it then.

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2018 21:51

If you brought it up after all that time I think your wife would wonder why you were doing so. And I think with good reason.

To tell the truth if she asked, or if you were talking about sexuality in another context is the way to go. But to just bring it up out of nowhere? She would be entirely justified in believing you were changing the basis of the marriage. Cos that might well be the case, despite your portestations....

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/12/2018 21:52

You have no intention on acting on it, and it may have a negative impact on your sexual relationship if you mention it now.

Keep quiet!

ISmellBabies · 31/12/2018 21:54

Just show her this thread, you've explained it very well. On the other hand, you don't have to mention it just for the sake of it, so you could just not say anything until it comes up.

terry81 · 01/01/2019 22:09

Unless you are planning to act on it then I don't see much point in mentioning it. You wouldn't be telling her about other women that you find attractive, out of respect. To me, this is no different to that.

BitOfFun · 01/01/2019 22:18

What would be the point? Can't you just bring it up in the context of you chatting normally in an intimate situation? It doesn't have to be a big deal.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 02/01/2019 19:35

I'd want to know. It's easy to keep a secret and not tell, and then find yourself suddenly in a moment of passion with someone. And then those lies will be worse then not telling your wife about it in the first place.

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