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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I’ve made a mistake.

23 replies

EcoCalc · 31/12/2018 14:18

Have been married for 12 weeks and feel like I have made a massive mistake. Is this just post wedding jitters?

OP posts:

WrapAndRoll · 31/12/2018 14:19

Why do you think it's a mistake?

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2018 14:19

What makes you think you’ve made a mistake?

Original poster

EcoCalc · 31/12/2018 14:23

I have no idea, nothing specific, just this feeling. I look at him and think “ok, we’re married now” and I don’t feel excited about the idea, just feel a bit anxious. I just wondered if it’s a known sort of reaction

OP posts:

Myheartbelongsto · 31/12/2018 14:49

Same thing happened to me op. All was well.

MissyMoooo · 31/12/2018 15:36

You just need to ride it out for a while, it could be post wedding jitters or not! It happened to me too, within days of the wedding. We didn't last much longer sadly, it was the biggest mistake of my life :(

BackInTheRoom · 31/12/2018 16:22

Yes I had this too. It just took a bit of getting used to. The gravity of the situation you know?

Original poster

EcoCalc · 31/12/2018 16:46

That’s it! The gravity!! This is the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with, are we ready for that, did we rush into it, did he always snore so much, are we ready for kids, is he a good dad material. Gravity is the word

OP posts:

MovemberBlues · 31/12/2018 16:57

Eco the first year after getting married are pretty tough in my experience, lots of adjustments. I had the distinct feeling that I had 'shot my bolt' as it were, I would forever after 'just' be a wife etc. I rode the storm and we went on to have three great children and a good marriage...

...but when things began to fall apart, I thought back to those glimmerings of trouble, to something he said on honeymoon in particular, and wondered whether I should have thought harder at that point.

That's not particularly helpful, probably, but honest. I suppose I'm saying don't write these feelings off as nothing, but equally don't make any sudden moves. In particular, talk to him about how you feel, and don't rush into having DC.

Original poster

EcoCalc · 31/12/2018 17:05

He wants to start a family quite soon, but I worry about finances and whether we can afford that. I sometimes feel like now we are married we are just going to be as we are. When I was younger or before we got engaged even I thought we both had dreams, now I feel a bit like I have pegged myself into something.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2018 17:06

You need to wait until you’re both ready.

boymum9 · 31/12/2018 17:10

I was never sure, various things happened in the couple years running up to getting married, I always kind of felt it wasn't "right", it's been nearly 5 years, and although I've been happy enough, I've had these nagging feelings of not being able to envision my future with him, not having all that much to say to each other, etc etc, I'm starting to realise whether I need to start thinking seriously about leaving, but now we have two children and I'm so worried about their futures.

Oddcat · 31/12/2018 17:14

I know that I felt an enormous sense of anti climax after my wedding ‘is this it ? ‘ kind of feeling , and I’m afraid that it was indeed ‘it’ . I don’t know what I expected really.

Redgreencoverplant · 31/12/2018 17:17

I think questioning it slightly is normal when the gravity of it hits you. I also think that a feeling of being underwhelmed is normal as if you lived together beforehand it's not a massive change in your life once the wedding is over. Give it time and see what happens. If just post wedding jitters they should die down :)

Totaldogsbody · 31/12/2018 17:32

It's only been 12 weeks. What's happened that makes you unsure of the relationship now when you must have been sure to have said yes. Did you rush into the marriage or were you together a long time before the wedding? Everyone says the 1st year of married life is the hardest but that was because couples never used to live together before the wedding and finding out all those nasty little habits each other has can take its toll. I would say this might be a blip and you will get over it but if the feelings don't go away soon I think you'll need to talk it out with your partner. I've been with my partner over 30 years and we've been happy but it takes work there's no magic wand and life doesn't become exciting just because we're married. I think you might just have realised that you are now possibly in this for life and a bit of panic has set in. I hope everything turns out ok for you, give it a chance and don't go overthinking everything.

ChodeofChodeHall · 31/12/2018 18:05

Did you have a big, grand wedding, OP? It's normal to feel a bit deflated afterwards.

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2018 19:00

Oh my lovely, let me tell you now that being totally sure you have married the right person means nothing! So feeling otherwise is likely to be the same!

Just relax into the now. You have security for you and your children. You love your husband. Let the rest flow.
xxxx

WrapAndRoll · 31/12/2018 19:36

Can you plan some things to do together such as going out for coffee, dinner, or a walk, while you settle in to married life? On these occasions you can of course chat about what's next for you both. Your wedding is presumably a culmination of lots of planning, but it is also just the beginning

Wineinbathtub · 31/12/2018 19:44

It is a big change and I think it takes time to adjust to any big change

category12 · 31/12/2018 19:45

If you're not ready to start a family yet, that's OK, hold off until it's something you're excited for and longing for. Don't be pushed into it by other people's expectations, even his.

If the "wrongness" feeling doesn't go away, you don't want to be tied through dc as well. Give it some time and see how you feel.

Daisy8906 · 31/12/2018 19:47

I could have written this... still feeling the same 2 years on & worried I've made a terrible mistake, despite there being nothing 'wrong' at all. Hope you find some clarity soon x

Original poster

EcoCalc · 01/01/2019 00:13

We didn’t really have a big lavish wedding, just sort of got married. We bought a house this year and I also changed my job. I sort of maybe feel like I bumbled my way through the past 12 months and now I’ve come back to consciousness and feel a bit uncertain. I like to be in control of stuff and this year has felt very much out of my control. Maybe just a slight panic that I’ve not really been actively participating in the decisions just more letting life happen and a lot of big stuff had happened when I wasn’t really looking

OP posts:

InAPreviousLife · 01/01/2019 00:37

I googled "divorce" at least 20 times in my first year of marriage. I found it suddenly suffocating to be tied forever to my husband (despite being perfectly happy together for a decade previously!).

As soon as the obligatory 12 months to initiate divorce proceedings was up I felt fine again and stopped googling.

It's utterly ridiculous because if my marriage was that bad nothing could have stopped me packing my bags and leaving anyway.

Sometimes we get caught up in life events and before we blink they're there and real. Take your time and find a new rhythm. I'm sure you'll fit into a new groove. If you don't, it's not the end of the world to admit you made the wrong decision and walk away.

(For the record we are still married)

veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 01/01/2019 00:43

Weirdly (I think given other answers here) I am 10 months in and haven't felt like this at all. Possibly because we'd been together for a decade before marriage so I was under no illusions about the snoring? I am in the same position as you re family and finances though. Take it easy - there's (probably) no rush to do everything at once.

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