Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Husband ruined my Christmas

18 replies

Billyclifford1 · 31/12/2018 13:25

Hi, happy New year to you all. I decided to come on here to talk about this because well I'm really upset and embarrassed to talk to my friends. My husband and I are fighting a lot at the moment just silly things seem to annoy him and our fights have intensified this yr we would never curse or shout or drop respect but now we do. I work in health care and I was on all over Christmas. I've 4 kids and this was my 1st yr to be away from them at Xmas so it was upsetting butbi just ad to get on with it. Christmas eve after a long busy shift I got home exhausted, had to wrap presents asked husband half way through to help, he refused and said no he was going to bed so I said fine m doing no more I'm going to bed I've work at 7. This turned into a row because he couldn't believe I was going to let the kids come down to half their presents unwrapped. He ended up finishing them but I offered to help and he not so nicely declined. He then left the room, got my Christmas present came back down opened his gift to me and threw it on the bed and said here do wat ubwant with that, he continued by saying he was glad I wasn't going to be there at Christmas this absolutely devasted me. I made Xmas morning happy for my children and went to work. He txtd and asked if we cud get on when we got home he loved me and was sorry. I didn't reply but went home ate dinner and tried to be normal but he was trying to kiss and cuddle me like nothing happened. I couldn't bring myself to respond to him. Things are civil now but I can't bring myself to go near him. Which is something we are renowned for is our closeness. Our teen daughter is very upset at our recent bad spell and I'm worried at how this is affecting her. I don't no what to do I feel like we need a break from each other, together for 16 years. Sorry for the long story

OP posts:

LuckyLou7 · 31/12/2018 13:33

I think you need to set aside some time and have a really long talk abut everything. Don't jettison 16 years of what sounds like a relatively happy marriage for a Christmas argument. You were tired and stressed. He was an inconsiderate git. You've been fighting a lot anyway - think about couples counselling before you make any decisions about separating.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2018 13:34

You do need a break. He thinks he can treat you like that and that you will just accept it and get over it. He needs to understand that is not how relationships work.

Cambionome · 31/12/2018 13:39

I think emotions are always a bit heightened at Christmas, plus you must have been tired. Is there any chance of you getting some quiet time together to talk things through?

He does sound very thoughtless for his behaviour on Christmas eve.

Picnictime · 31/12/2018 13:41

It sounds like a very stressful time for the both of you. Clearly he is sad about you not being about for Christmas and handled it pretty badly. You are probably very tired and also sad about working at Christmas.
Can you have a proper heart to heart at some point in the near future, not after or part of an argument, plan some time to go on a date and just talk and work out where you can go from here.

Paddy1234 · 31/12/2018 13:56

A relationship is a roller coaster in most cases.
I remember Jamie Oliver being taken over the coals for saying that at times he looked at his wife and thinking she absolutely despised him and vica versa. I do agree with this and actually think a relationship is cyclical and you have to just ride out the troughs.

olympicsrock · 31/12/2018 14:11

I totally get this. I am also a health care professional and had to work over Christmas. DH was a grumpy twat and took it out on me. It’s really hard and not fair. I think he needs to apologise and a heart to heart is in order. Sounds like he wants to make it up to you though

Hidingtonothing · 31/12/2018 14:36

Possibly not helpful but I can't get past him refusing to help with the wrapping and then turning it on you when you said you would leave the presents unwrapped. Why was it ok for him not to do it but not for you, especially as you were the one working horrid hours? I would have to get to the bottom of what he was thinking when he did that as it seems particularly unkind and unfair when he knew you were knackered and still had to be back at work at 7am.

babba2014 · 31/12/2018 14:40

He needs to take a step back and breathe. Hunk before he speaks etc. It isn't fair. At least he text saying sorry and it seems like he means it but you both need a long chat and he needs to control his temper big time.

sickmumma · 31/12/2018 14:44

Honestly I think you are both in the wrong and as bad as each other here. I would also be annoyed he wasn't helping wrap but he has been running round after 4 kids all day also so not like he's had an easy day and I think a bit of upset and resentment you are working is a bit normal but again not fair to
Display to you - I would have had them wrapped in advance and I am sure you both would Have too in hindsight! To say you weren't going to wrap is a bit unfair but the him not helping was also as bad! His reaction sounds a bit OTT but perhaps a reflection of the sadness he feels doing it alone and he did try to apologise. Everyone has ups and downs but sounds like you both need to relax and chat and get past it as in the grand scheme of things arguing over present wrapping is a bit silly.

Hopoindown31 · 31/12/2018 15:15

Hi OP are you usually on shift over Christmas?

His behaviour was poor but you have a choice either to decide you can't accept it or look to try and fix it and make changes together to do so. Calmly talking is the start of doing this.

You say that the arguments are a recent thing, have there been any changes of significance recently?

Nanc21 · 31/12/2018 18:13

No this was my first Christmas to work I have never been away from them before. We both seem to be fed up with each other and as time goes on just less tolerant of each other. He is trying to resolve it but I'm just not arsed anymore. We have done the sit down chats and things change for about a week then bk to the same issues.

Hopoindown31 · 31/12/2018 20:47

Sounds like you are checking out to be honest. How much say did you have in whether you were working?

Why do things revert him, you, both? Do you agree any concrete actions during your talks.

Long term relationships are not easy and require effort and patience I'm afraid.

adaline · 31/12/2018 20:56

It sounds tough for both of you - you've been at work but he has had to deal with four excitable/tired/fraught children over Christmas on his own as well - that can't be easy, especially when they're missing they're mum.

Maybe you both just need to step back and be a bit nicer to each other.

jessstan2 · 31/12/2018 21:00

Your husband certainly behaved very badly. I don't understand why you left the wrapping of presents until Christmas eve though.

It sounds as though you two have come to the end of the road.

Nanc21 · 31/12/2018 22:32

The wrapping of the presents was left until the last minute because I work long hours. I also study, whilst doing all the cooking cleaning for all 5 of us without his input. I don't see y leaving this until the last minute is the issue here. Maybe 1 sud consider an exhausted mum who didn't have the time or the help to get this done.

Maelstrop · 31/12/2018 23:38

So you do all the wife work as well as working? What does he do to contribute to the home life?

bethy15 · 01/01/2019 08:35

He doesn't seem to appreciate you at all, and he's getting away with murder if he's not expected to lift a hand to help with the cooking and cleaning if you are working such long hours.

Then he responds like that when you ask for a little help wrapping the presents, which should be a shared thing and not left all to you.

Has he ever helped you out?

Nanc21 · 01/01/2019 12:48

He will do the bear minimum every second Sunday when I'm working. Has literally all over me now trying to cuddle and kiss, reminiscing about us to our kids. It's beginning to grate on me. Hes always been selfish with his time he's a workaholic by choice I on the other hand work long hrs sometimes due to the nature of my job but still have to come home and start mummy and housework

Flip