I have posted on another thread on NPD in chat but feel it's probably more reasonable to start my own so as not to derail.
I have a parent who I suspect may have this disorder and/or some other mental health issues. (Anxiety for 100%.) I spent four years in talking therapy which sort of helped and sort of didn't, basically trying to organise myself to deal with the impact of her behaviour on me better.
I said on the other thread that I learned there isn't much point in trying to diagnose another person (it's arguably offensive as well...) but her behaviour has reached a point where the children are aware there is something unusual going on/it is affecting them and DH and I have realised that we have to come up with some strategy to manage the situation.
DH thinks that we can sit her down and have a chat with her - he's known her for 25 years himself - but I have been trying to explain to him that his suggestions, if her mental health is compromised in the way that I think it is, are not going to work and we have to think of something else. I suppose in this context talking through her behaviour with someone who could loosely confirm my suspicions could help. DH knows she "won't change" but he doesn't appreciate what the implications are of that, if she is clinically unwell. He's basically suggesting strategies that would work only if you had some self awareness which I know from my childhood she totally lacks. This is impossible.
She lives abroad and I am an only child. I basically left my home country and never lived there again after university. We did go back very regularly for years but I've now put my foot down after having the DCs. It's partially exhaustion, it's partially that her behaviour got worse in some respects, but also I think I am mentally just at the end of the road with the drama/irritation. This scares me as I do understand they don't have anyone else. I have a good relationship with my father but he enables her (so is in no position to sort of help with our issues.) Her primary relationship in life was with my grandmother, who passed away a few years ago. She lived with my parents (and me) for over 30 years - my mother's relationship with my grandmother crowded out everyone else, including my father. It's been very hard for her since she passed away, which I get, and she also has a contentious relationship with her brother (whom she believes to be the golden child) and her sister in law (his wife) has basically cut contact in the last two to three years.
We see her two to three times a year. I did think about whether her behaviour is more calm when we're in her house, but no. The last time we had Xmas there was one of the worst episodes. The girls and I did have a calm time there a year ago.
She's generally fine over the phone. We're in a positive rhythm there I would say but there is no face to face meeting which isn't fraught and also she is very disruptive when my dad visits (something he looks forward to all year.) Constant phone calls of things she is worried about, and things suddenly 'going wrong' that were fine an hour before. We know the 'problems' will start as soon as the plane takes off. When she is here she is also sick every time now, with a cold. Every single time. There could be lots of reasons for this and it's not that DH and I are sick of it to the extent we won't help - it's that she seems to need to spend her time refusing help/not letting us try to resolve it. This is the part we can't bear, with everyone sitting around talking about her being sick etc rather than taking action to resolve it. As soon as she is on the plane home she is mysteriously better. If we are doing something she enjoys the symptoms also magically disappear. Basically - if the focus is on her, things go swimmingly. But that's not fair to the other five people whose holiday it generally is and also just not possible either at this point.
The most recent dimension is that the girls have noticed she is really rude about my dad, which makes them uncomfortable, and she has told some really bad lies about me this time. My older DD didn't want to tell me, but told her sister because she was upset about it, who then told my DH. She was also openly snarky about DH's family/parents. She also gets upset that unlike when the DDs were very young, she can't insist they focus totally on her. Yes, I do insist they pay attention to their grandma when she's here but it's also their holiday and they do need downtime/flop time themselves.
We share a birthday. On the last one we were sitting having lunch and I was trying to get her out of a patch of particular negativity. "What is everyone's goal for the year?" Birthday coincides with the start of the school year. "TO BE ALIVE," my mother said. She has some health concerns but nothing significant to the extent it would be in any way reasonable to fire this off in the middle of someone's birthday celebrations.
Also - the girls are old enough to not exactly take it at face value. And I did reassure them they didn't have a reason to lose sleep over this. But I can't rule out they would be upset by this language and it shows her judgement as to what she thinks it is reasonable to say around them.
She has been angling for them to visit on their own. I have said no as it is certain that the idea would be more attractive than the reality once they got there (thousands of miles away). This year my mum thought my 13 year old could come and help her recover from a procedure by washing her hair, looking after her. A 13 year old? What? Anyway, she never had any 'procedure'. Obviously - if she needed help my adult father couldn't provide it would be ME who should go, not a pre-teen daughter.
There is another angle to this which is that I am adopted. I am certain that I probably do have some attachment issues and that as a pair - we have some. I don't think motherhood was what she 'expected' having looked forward to being a parent for years. I certainly don't have the relationship she had with her mother. She always tells this story about how on my first Christmas I spent the night with my grandparents and she and my dad came over the next day. She tells this as a really cute story and a positive memory for her. It was only after I had my own DCs that I realise I could not even imagine for the life of me not wanting my first tiny baby at home on its first Christmas. I can't even conceive ever agreeing to something like that, however tired I was or whatever. She has unusual expectations of what is 'normal' in a parent child baby relationship. Nearly 50 years ago I am guessing she didn't get great advice about things like attachment and they wouldn't have thought about Post Adoption Depression etc or things we would think about now.
I do acknowledge she is in some sort of pain. But I can't help any more. This is kind of what it comes down too. I have no idea what to do.
Can anyone share what they have done to support their own mental health when they have a really difficult parental relationship? Is more talking therapy maybe the only answer for ME?
If we don't go NC - which I think we are not there yet - then I need some strategy for my kids when they see her as well.