What do you tell your children?

[CarolDanvers]

My children’s father lives in another country. He doesn’t have to be there, he’s not from there, he chooses to be there. He sees them two or three times a year for a few hours. He calls them around once a month. He didn’t contact them at Christmas, no phone call, no present, no card.

Aahhhgggg presses create too soon.

I’ve not said much over the last two or theee years but my children notice now. My oldest (teen) is angry and sometimes tearful over it, my younger says they don’t care but I think deep down they do.

Am I supposed to keep to the rule of “never criticise the other parent” or can I now say “yes your father is selfish and doesn’t deserve you, it’s not you and this is not how a decent parent behaves”.

He doesn’t pay child support either and my eldest has worked this out for himself.

Can I ask how you’d proceed? Just how much are they supposed to accept without hearing their mother validate their feelings instead of trying hard to do The Right Thing.

I would just acknowledge their feelings, so when they are upset, I’d reflect that back, as in ‘I can see how upset you are. I absolutely understand that, it must be difficult not to have phone calls etc’ and follow up with a big hug. I think empathy and kindness towards your DC rather than anger towards ex

It’s tricky, I do think sometimes they need the truth, that’s when they see it’s not their fault. It’s only logical if no1 is saying the dad is a shit they see there self as the problem, it’s never ok for a child to blame them self for having a shit parent

Firstly guessing you can’t get child support?
I would be at least asking, on a regular basis.

There is an in between lying he is super dad and slating him.

My Ds is 11. Doesn’t see his dad. He has been told it’s his dad’s loss. I tell him he is entitled to feel whatever he feels and I have my own set of feelings about it .

This happened to my DD too.
I would just facilitate when I could but he dug his own grave.
She doesn't talk him now.
She knows he's a shitty parent and hasn't got the time of day for him now.
I didn't slate him though.
I made sure none of family did either.
But she's a well rounded adult now and none of it is down to him.
It's really tough.

Thanks all. Yes I ask for child support on a regular basis and this makes him angry and abusive. Doesn’t help that he tells everyone else that he does pay so I often get “well I don’t know what to believe” or “there’s two sides to every story”. He regularly becomes abusive so I block him and then the whine is “she’s keeping me from my kids” blah blah blah. He’s an alcoholic too so contact with the kids has to be managed carefully. All this is used as “evidence” that he’s being kept from his kids.

It really doesn’t matter what others think, what he tells others only what your children think, know.

I used to say to ds1 that his dad loved him, but that some people aren't cut out to be good parents. I tried very hard not to show anger, and played up some of his dad's (few) good qualities, but sometimes I'd slip- usually when his dad failed to turn up for his arranged visits. On those occasions I explained very clearly to ds1 that I was angry because I was hurt for him, and that I would always get angry with whoever hurt him.

They did maintain a relationship but ds1 came to be fully aware of his dad's failings on his own.

I told my kids the truth. Their father left us because he wanted to be 'free'. It was obvious when no birthday cards, xmas cards, presents, phone calls, visits materialised that he didn't care. And in time, we didn't care about him either.
I refused to make excuses for him. I refused to follow the so-called received wisdom and do the whole wringing of hands bit and make excuses for him.
When my kids asked I told them that he was a very stupid self absorbed person who didn't understand that they, (the children) were the most wonderful, precious, amazing gift life could give us and it was his loss not theirs, that he hadn't the wit to comprehend the fact.
I tried to get him to arrange to visit them but he went non contact within a year of leaving.
Many years later, on his 50th birthday he tried to contact them and they put the phone down on him.
He died six months later.

@pallasathena you sound awesome 💐. Everyone on here who has to deal with this does.

Yes, you validate their feelings. It sounds like they are very clued up and the best thing for them is knowing that they can trust their instincts about someone. Gossping and talking shit, probably not so good. But agreeing with their interpretations of the situation and supporting them to feel however they need to can only be a positive thing.