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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unhappy but can't bare thought of shared custody

20 replies

melj22 · 31/12/2018 06:42

So I am sure I am in an unhealthy relationship with my OH - we have been together steadily for 3 years (8 years all up but split for a year in the middle), we have a almost 2 yr old son together. I feel like since I have been with him I have been losing myself - I have been getting unhealthier both mentally and physically and feel like I am his personal maid (that has to perform in the bedroom too). I am not scared of being a single mum - I honestly feel looking after my son without my OH would be so much easier. My OH is not a bad man just self centred and I dont think we are compatible - our values are very different. I think I want to leave but cant bare the thought of having to share custody - the thought of having to leave my son in the hands of my OH on his own scares the hell out of me - my OH never watches him properly, will quite often ignore him and if I'm not around feeds him foods that he has intolerances too :-( Not sure what to do... I feel like I need to stay in the relationship to make sure my son is cared for properly at all times... any advice would be great!

OP posts:
Birdie6 · 31/12/2018 06:49

I get where you are coming from. I stayed with my ex for 15 years after I decided to split. I also couldn't stand the thought of shared custody - he would have been the worst single father in the world and my kids would have severely suffered. I stuck around until they had left school and no longer had to have anything to do with him. It wasn't ideal for me, but he wasn't the worst person to live with and I could stand it for my kids. When I did leave I felt like "yes this is the right time" and it was.

It might seem like a long time to wait, but if you are prepared to live with that goal in mind, it will be quite doable. Women have been "staying for the sake of the children" since the beginning of time. I know that many GNetters will say you should go immediately etc, but make your own decision on this one. Good luck to you.

AJPTaylor · 31/12/2018 06:52

How interested do you think he would be in looking after him?

Mumteedum · 31/12/2018 07:05

If your mental and physical health is suffering, then staying should not be an option for you.

I do understand. My ex and I split just before Ds was 3. I had very similar concerns. Whilst it hasn't been easy, us being apart is infinitely better for me and my son than being in a toxic relationship.

Be strong. Try not to think about every single thing that would go wrong. Take it day by day. He wouldn't necessarily want or ask for fifty fifty care anyway.

MishMashMosher · 31/12/2018 07:05

He will learn to take care of your DS if he's forced to. My DH was an awful parent when we had our first. I should have left him but I was so messed up with pnd I couldn't see how bad he was. I did EVERYTHING. The most he would do was hold the baby while I had a shower every day. That was honestly all he did. We had a second 2 years later ans still he did nothing. I tried to have an evening at my friends house and DH lasted and hour and 15 minutes before calling me home because he couldn't cope. I'm just telling you all that to show you how useless he was. Anyway. When dc2 was a year old I got an evening job which meant twice a week DH had no choice but to look after the dc. That was 4 years ago now and he is an excellent parent now and I could go away for a month and he would be absolutely fine. Basically what I'm trying to say is, he will do it if he has to. Life is so short and if you don't want to be with him anymore, don't be. He will learn to look after your DS, the more he has to do things for him. I hope that makes sense?

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 07:11

Many stay for the same reasons.

This is because the law is still letting down dc and dms.

That we are still having these convo's is shocking after all the legal training and money exchanging going on.

Although I do think you have contradicted yourself somewhat there OP. Saying he's not a bad man, but being in this relationship with his has been the cause of your downward spiral mentally and physically and you also highlight where he is the same to your DS, in fact not to be trusted and putting him at risk by not being mindful of very severe risks to his DC health/life!

Hes a risk to him, and clearly to you also. This doesn't make him a good man and father does it.

It's a good point how likely he is to maintain contact, and one key to your decisions around leaving.

Can he leave, so you continue to live in the family home? Do you have family/friend support around. Do you have evidence against him? Have you spoken to WA? They can identify any behaviours that would require protections for your DS from his father.

Original poster
melj22 · 31/12/2018 07:51

I think he would go one of two ways - he would want to try for full or half/half or he would pack a sulk and not have anything to do with us - 50/50 call for which way he would go though :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
melj22 · 31/12/2018 07:58

Thanks so much for all your advice :-) It is a really tricky one - I feel like my LO and I would have happier lives without him but then I don't think it is possible to ever be without him as he will always have a right to be in LO's life and therefore mine too (at least until LO is an adult) :-( think I might try some individual counselling to see if can help me make the decision - at the moment I can't decide to stay or go

OP posts:
Silkie2 · 31/12/2018 07:59

You can get free initial discussion with a solicitor. You could easily phone round and make an appt to speak to someone so you have facts and not DH wants this or DH will want that.
Then maybe plan to wait a year or two so DS can speak up for himself and is more traffic wise if he is with DH. But if he feeds him wrong foods maybe he would only get supervised contact. Speak to a solicitor.
If you have a fixed plan you will feel less stressed.

pog100 · 31/12/2018 08:01

You can't live 16 years like this, you just can't. It will be terrible for you and the child. Pluck up courage and do it, you won't regret it, you will regret inaction

Original poster
melj22 · 31/12/2018 08:03

I think talking to a solicitor now is a great idea - will help me find out where I stand with everything and might help me make the decision - if I had a really good chance of OH only getting supervised contact that would be enough for me to decide to end it now, will try and get to see one as soon as they all start back after the break :-)

OP posts:
louisejanep · 31/12/2018 15:35

Hi sorry to hear your going through, I moved back to my mums with DD 3 weeks ago now after years and years of abuse. It’s heartbreaking but at the same time I bet you feel more relaxed and able to lead a happier life.

I watched a video on Facebook about a nurse working in end of life care and she said the biggest regret of ppls lives on their deathbeds was not regretting what they had done but regretting the things they had never done sooner. Bit extreme example but these little things helping me to get by day by day, you shouldn’t waste anymore of your time.

Orlande · 31/12/2018 15:41

Your child is small and vulnerable at the moment but in a couple of years when he is school age he will be able to amuse himself a bit/watch TV if ignored, turn down food he is intolerant too.
You don't have to stay til your child is an adult, but maybe spend some time developing your child's self care skills, and encourage your dh to do more hands on parenting, and you might feel your son will be safer when you leave?

keepmesafe · 31/12/2018 15:45

Hi, I'm new here. I was just reading the posts on this thread, sadly to say Iam in a similar situation. My husband is a foreigner (arab) and him and me are on the verge of a split. He has been very abusive (emotionally) wont even let me have access to child tax credits that I use to feed and clothe my son because he doesn't support me. I'm currently unwell and suffering in silence because I'm too much of an inconvienece to him. Our son is 6. We also live at my parents house sharing a bedroom with our son because the council wont house us yet and that is playing a huge part in our problems and we cant afford to private rent. I'm at my wits end. I feel like he is slowly trying to push me into the ground. I don't know what to do ;'(

SandyY2K · 31/12/2018 16:16

@keepmesafe

Whatever you do ..do not travel to his home country.

Ensure that he cannot leave the country with your son either.

BarbarianMum · 31/12/2018 16:22

keepme could you start by asking your parents to remove him from the house?
Would they lend you money for a solicitor?

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 17:29

melj22 you can call a legal line specifically for your situation. They are called Rights of Women, and its run by solicitors and barristers specialists in da, they will give you the best advice on what steps to take to protect you and your DC.

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 17:32

The same for you keepme there is a separate number for your situation though specifically because of the Arab connection and immigration situation.

Find out your options and arm yourselves with a plan and know what steps to take. Have you contacted WA? They will be able to put you in touch with local services to support you

Bishalisha · 31/12/2018 17:34

@keepmesafe

I would recommend sorting DC passport out secretly so he can’t apply for one. Then phone the passport office and ask them to put a note on it regarding travel.

Apileofballyhoo · 31/12/2018 17:40

OP teach your DS to look after himself as much ad possible so that when he's a bit older he can manage. You could send food with him if he was going to his DF's. It's a very tough one.

Zeze12 · 29/11/2024 22:10

I was in an unhealthy abusive relationship with a self centred disgusting man whom controlled me in every way and left me to do everything with our daughter , after many attempts to leave I finally did our daughter was.only 6 months old , I had 3 years of family court representing myself after my child was let down constantly , i was in a foreign country AU with no support , whildt he hired many barristers , myself and child went through absolute hell the court allowed the monster unsupervised time just for incidents to happen aGain and again , in the end I won international relocation and full parental responsibility of our child we are bk in uk with family and our daughter who has special needs is thriving nd happy and we are completely relaxed our relationship is sensational, our closeness bond everything I cannot possibly describe. Before I left my ex partner I was a fraction of myself I was mentally broken and iLL and.physically drained I tjink its possible i would have ended up killing myself if I had of stayed after being broken down by him for years, I wouldn't have been able to continue being a great mother and I certainly wouldn't have the relationship I have today with my little girl , or the peaceful stress free life , if you choose to stay I understand why as protecting our children is so important whilst the court allows these men chance after chance unsupervised time and waits for incidents to happen before a risk is deemed , however a few years of pain is worth a lifetime of true happiness , as the saying goes there is no beauty without pain , goodluck and godbless to u

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