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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Long message but need advice please

23 replies

ALS36 · 31/12/2018 01:34

Ill try to keep this to the point.
4 years ago, when I had a 3y old son, my then husband was arrested for child sex offences - am still battling through courts with him trying to get unsupervised access to my son (now 7).
In the meantime, I got into a new relationship and fell pregnant (unplanned)There were warning signs from date 1 with him but i think a combination of rebound from marriage breakdown and wanting to feel loved made me blinkered and I continued. Almost 4 years on, we have a vicious cycle of arguments every couple of months (usually stemming from something petty), which usually culminate in police being called by neighbours- today was the 6th time it has happened.
When everything is going ok, I desperately want things to work out and to have a happy life but then we have these massive blow outs. I am worried about the impact it is having on the children, and especially my eldest as he has already been through so much.
But these happen too often and I'm drained. I want to end it but feel trapped. I would have to sell my house, and I've recently changed jobs and dropped a big wage so I am not in a great position financially.
I've told him a few times its over and he just laughs and says hes not going anywhere, then we muddle through and get back on track.
But today was the worst its ever been - we both said some dreadful things (him more so) and he threw my bedside cabinet across the room (which prompted the neighbours to phone police)
I don't tell the police what he is really like though as I am so worried about the repercussions for my children - especially my eldest. I don't want my children taking from me.
I really don't now what to do. I know I should leave him, but I feel trapped- he tells me he will fight me for our son and will drag me through crap. I've sent him a letter telling him how I am really feeling, but I am in a very low place right now. :(

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/12/2018 01:37

Sounds hideous. End it. Deal with the fall out. However stressful and tormenting it is it will be a better and happier existence - however tough, however financially hard. It will be unrecognisably better.

And think of your children fgs. Put them first now too. Do you think they want to live like that? You know they don’t.

Time to be a soldier OP. Just march towards the positive change and don’t look back.

Kylieemilyj · 31/12/2018 01:39

This man sounds like a nasty piece of work and after being charged with something like that he should never be allowed to be around any child alone but surely the courts would never allow him custody of your children. I know its so hard but you need to get away from him for your sake and your childrens. It sounds like he could become violent to you or your children one day, perhaps not delibrately of course. He is abusive and a horrible person, and i understand deep down you love him but hes no good for you

Original poster

ALS36 · 31/12/2018 01:52

There are two different men - the first was the nasty piece of work who only has supervised access to my first son.
The second is the one I'm currently with - I l know deep down hes not good for me too. or my children. I'm just scared of how to cope.

OP posts:

Original poster

ALS36 · 31/12/2018 01:53

I know what your saying is right. I'm just scared.

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 31/12/2018 01:54

Coping will be easier without him. He is toxic and is damaging your children

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 31/12/2018 01:55

You’ve put yourself above your children for too long, do the right thing for once

Original poster

ALS36 · 31/12/2018 01:56

OP posts:

brainache78 · 31/12/2018 02:00

@Whyarealltheusernamestaken put that harshly, but she is right in a way.
Your children need to feel safe - and a household where the adults are physically fighting and throwing things and having the police called out is a massively damaging environment. You need to be the strong adult and sort it out for them.

You breaking up is not going to do your eldest as much harm as staying in this dysfunctional relationship. How would you feel if he grew up to have a relationship like this. Is that what you want for him? You need to value yourself more and protect your children. This sounds like a mess - and one that only you can fix.

Please do. This sounds like hell for everyone involved.

sprouts21 · 31/12/2018 02:00

Theres probably alternatives to selling your house, perhaps talk it through with woman's aid. I'm surprised you haven't had social services round if the police have been 6 times.

Weenurse · 31/12/2018 02:07

Get help, start with the police. I am sure they would be happy to Point you in the right direction

Kylieemilyj · 31/12/2018 02:10

@ALS36 sorry I didnt read your OP properly, so tired haha) but still you need to get away from both men :)

BumbleBeee69 · 31/12/2018 02:46

Why are you protecting this violent scum bag when the Police arrive? Why would you protect his interests over your own and your Children’s ? I’m shocked that having gone this trauma with one man you’ve allowed another Scum bag to fill his shoes. Wtf OP?!

Lozzerbmc · 31/12/2018 03:08

This is awful for you but you must get away though i appreciate it will be difficult. Your children will become damaged if things carry on - they need to feel secure - think how much calmer life would be with just you and your children. Have you family that can help you? Can you sell house and buy another if you return to a better paid job? He may not fight for your second son it might be an empty threat. If you dont want to leave think what might happen next time?

subspace · 31/12/2018 08:17

I hate to be the one to break it to you but your children (and you) are no safer in the same house as this violent man than they were with the child sex offender. If you insist on staying with this man they may well be better off being taken off you and put into care.

Tell me then, is it worth staying with a violent and abusive man? Is losing your kids a reasonable price to pay for the good relationship days and a vague promise he'll get better?

What, if not the very real possibility that you WILL lose your children, will it take?

W0rriedMum · 31/12/2018 08:22

I’m reading your OP and I guess her question is how to get her partner to leave the house when he refuses.
If she tells the police what is happening, will they remove him?
I think she knows she has to get him out and finish it, but how?
I’m afraid I’ve no idea..

BackInTheRoom · 31/12/2018 08:59

For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant

Original poster

ALS36 · 31/12/2018 10:52

Thank you for all the replies. I know I must seem very weak to people reading this. I've told him this morning it's over and it's gone on too long. Not sure what the next few days/weeks will be like.

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 31/12/2018 12:53

He needs to leave today. This is the most dangerous time for you now. Dont feel ashamed or afraid to phone the police if you feel threatened.

CatnissEverdene · 31/12/2018 13:01

You put these men in your DCs lives.

You.

And only you can remove them.

Please do what's right for your DC.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/12/2018 15:43

Get out out OP, and don’t let him back in, you have 999, use it and be honest now please.

Ovendoor · 31/12/2018 17:35

Please contact the police. They will have it on record how many times they have been called out and they will be able to help you.

Weenurse · 01/01/2019 05:01

💐

jessstan2 · 01/01/2019 05:59

You don't seem weak at all.

The relationship is not working, you've given it a go but better to cut your losses now while the children are so young. I'd be nervous in case he was physically violent.

You need professional advice, it's important you sort out finances. Then make a plan.

2019 will be a better year for you. We'll hold your hand on the way.

Flip