So much good yet still so sad..

[Stevy123]

Hi all, new here, please be gentle..
Current situation, 42, single mum for 15yrs, both kids at home, both at uni, strong bond with both, very good kids, smart, capable and engaging.
Was single for about 5 yrs,met my now ex BF a yr and half ago, 17yrs younger, we had..a turbulent relationship, mostly good for the past 8-9months..not perfect,but I was happy.
Reasons for conflict? He suffered from depression/anxiety..I believe I made it worse as a lot of the anxiety focused and fixated on not being good enough for me.. (I'm a graduate and fairly high up the career path where he is just beginning)
I know he found his lack of academic quals an issue, especially when around me and the kids, but..in all truth, I dated clever/high fliers etc and I found him the most charming, most loveable man, I tried to reassure, and once he was in low grade anti D it was great..we were great..
Although I tried not to he always spoke about the future and I started to believe despite our differences we could make it.
After 4months he stopped the Anti D's, slowly we started arguing more, culminating in a senseless and stupid break up,
He said some truly awful things about my character (OCD/perfectionist/judgemental/) some of which is likely true.. yet he failed to say how I try hard, with everything,everyone,..I give everything 100%..I gave US 100%. But he just walked, no further discussion except to say, we are too different.
I don't know how if it's him/depressed him.
I don't know if I should try to make an effort, I hate being alone, I hate him not being here, then my kids words.. you deserve better ring in my ears.
I feel foolish, blindsided, up till he day we split he professed love/commitment.
I helped him through the depression earlier in the year, he was vile to me then, but I knew I loved him, I still do, but his words..
"I shouldn't have to take a pill to be in a relationship " and
"Someone will love you despite the fact you are flawed"- my flaws being my standards in how I live according to him.
Do I let this go? Walk away from 18months of him,
My head says Yes! It's terrifying though, u was single for so long, I thought there was something wrong with me.
I've done and am doing a good job with my kids, they are happy good people, my career is finally paying dividends for the efforts and sacrifices I made ..life is so good, but I feel sad, I miss him, but I also know I have to because he wasn't right for me, because even though it was good..it was hard work.. I can't even begin to think about what's better for him right now, that will come, I just feel so sad, so alone, my friends mostly all H Married and busy with younger families, I don't get on with mine, for the past year it's just been kids/work/him..and I feel I have no one to talk to, no one who cares. Logic is having a hard time here, of course I have people to call on..it's just he was always here..I forgot what it was like before ..
How do I get closure on this chapter? He made me feel like a real woman, not a mum/colleague/etc..when it was good,it was so good.
No contact for 48hrs, I'm torn between calling and my self respect telling me to let it go. . Bruised and sore right now.

Fucking hell run. Run as fast as your legs will carry you from this mentally abusive gaslighting bell end.

Hope that helps!

And closure? Kill it dead. Rip it up, get out and stay out. No meet ups or texts or late night calls or accidental bumping in. It’s over, thank god, and you now know what to look for when avoiding nob-heads the next time. Seriously he sounds ghastly.

It is exactly what my inner self has been saying,!Yes, despite the fact that you only heard my side it does help, thank you x

I stupidly naively thought he was different, I have a history of abusive relationships, when you are in it,you can't see, now I'm doubting me, who I am, what I am.. fckn same old same old story

I helped him through the depression earlier in the year, he was vile to me then

Do you know what, I have been clinically depressed at various points over the last 4 decades. Not once have I been vile to a partner or loved one. I may have snapped at them and then come back half hour later and said "I'm sorry I snapped at you, I'm not angry with you, I'm angry with xyz and it was wrong of me to take out my anger on you"

I have dealt with many people in my personal and professional life who have depression. A small number of them are also total wankers. Sounds like what you've got here.

Op - did you post before about him and you? Something sounds familiar.

Ok. You are a 42yo woman - (educated, with a career, and grown kids) in a ‘relationship’ with a 25yo man, with a depression, who feels inferior to you.
Do you not see that it’s both a dead end sort of ‘relationship’ - as well as being just plain wrong....

Dead-end - because there really not a future. Age gap is too large. Plain and simple. He is only just a little older than your kids. And one day a when he fully grows up - he’ll want a family of his own - which isn’t possible with you.

Wrong - because the power disbalance is too much. His depression and other issues make him vulnerable. You being older - and more stable and wiser, and ‘getting him through depression’ - makes him depended on you in a way. And it’s not a basis for a relationship - even if there wasn’t the age gap issue.

Also - OP - you were about 40 when you met him. And he was 23?
And now you say - you thought he was different, and he made you feel like a real woman...

I am sorry. But if you were a man - i’d quesrion you - and why you can’t have a relationship with a fellow adult.
And no reason not to ask the same question to you, just because you are female.

I am sorry you had abusive relationships. And you seem like an otherwise strong person - you raised your kids.
If I were you - i’d think real hard why this ‘relationship’ seemed real to you.