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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL Troubles

17 replies

Florence243 · 30/12/2018 23:26

Hello,

My MIL is a wonderful Grandmother to my DS but she is an awful MIL to me.

I can usually handle her but her passive aggressive comments are becoming a bit too much. Latest comments were the following:

  • Oh he's a Mummy's boy isn't he? (In a disappointed tone)
  • says 'oh, has Mum left you again?' whenever I leave the room
  • after offering everyone else in the room a festive (alcoholic) drink she comes to me and says 'oh you won't be having one' - I'm not breastfeeding

My husband works away so I often go through and visit myself for a few days at a time. When there, I hardly see my son and aside from bedtime (when she's finished playing with him - think near midnight), she goes to bed while I have a very hyperactive baby to calm down.
She also pulls him up by his arms and I hate it as she's a little to boisterous with him and will move him around so much he is sick. She always does this after a feed!
When he cries and won't calm down she really begrudges handing him over and hates that he just wants me sometimes!

She is the most strong-willed woman I have ever met. She doesn't speak with you, she talks at you and thinks she knows best.
I have tried standing up to her before and I came out looking like the bad guy.

She literally can do no wrong in DH eyes but sometimes I feel like he does sense she's a bit too much sometimes but he will never stand up to her. She would throw too much of a shitshow. He's also very strong-willed and very much like his mother.

I can handle things for now and am going to reduce such long visits on my own with her as I really will lose my shit but DH wants to visit her again in the near future and I just needed to have a rant.

She's a bully and I'm scared she will take great pleasure of undermining me in the future like she does now.

Should I just suck it up and ignore her comments? At the end of the day, she's a fabulous grandmother that absolutely spoils DS.

I feel like I might snap at her soon but I know I'll end up looking like the shit person in the end so there's not much point I guess but she really does make me feel worthless.

Thanks for reading!!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2018 01:28

She can only undermine you if you allow her to. Stop visiting her and TAKE CONTROL.

YOU are the mum, not her.

poglets · 31/12/2018 01:29

I am sure there will be people along soon enough who can be more helpful. You have my sympathy. I also once had a MIL like you have. I stood up to her and my husband. I am now the mother I want to be. And my children, husband and I are happier for it.

You need to put proper boundaries back in place and remind your MIL (and also yourself) who is the parent to your child. I would advise you to immediately stop taking your child round to your in laws house when your husband is away. Let your husband facilitate his own mother.

greatandpowerfulozma · 31/12/2018 01:33

She sounds like a nightmare. You have my sympathies. Xx

Celticrose · 31/12/2018 02:04

"You need to put proper boundaries back in place and remind your MIL (and also yourself) who is the parent to your child. I would advise you to immediately stop taking your child round to your in laws house when your husband is away. Let your husband facilitate his own mother."

This

Namenic · 31/12/2018 02:20

You sound like you're being very reasonable by visiting her on your own and recognising the benefits of a good grandparent relationship with your child. Maybe mention to you DH that you would like to feed back to her the things you are unhappy about and if this doesn't happen, you are less likely (though you will try) to take child for visits on your own because it is so draining. It's not a threat, it's just a fact that it causes you a lot of stress.

NonaGrey · 31/12/2018 02:27

Stop visiting her alone if you don’t enjoy it, it’s not obligatory.

If she says “is Mummy leaving you” I’d turn back round say “don’t you want to stay here without me?”, pick him up and take him out of the room with you.

Say “he does love his Mum, as he should”

Say “I’d love a drink thanks”

If you aren’t happy with how she (or anyone else) is holding him take him back.

Enforce your boundaries calmly, cheerfully and politely. It’s very hard to throw an effective tantrum when the other person remains calm and polite.

It’s also worth noting that you can pretty much say what you like if you say it politely and cheerfully.

And if she throws a tantrum what’s the worst that can happen?

Some arguments are worth having.

She wants to see your DS, the power lies with you you just have to take it.

Woshambo · 31/12/2018 02:59

Following for tips

Weathermonger · 31/12/2018 03:03

Anyone that would undermine and bully their grandchild's mother, toss a baby around until he is sick and keep him up playing until midnight is NOT a "Fabulous Grandmother", she's a lousy grandmother and a very unpleasant person, someone you don't need to spend time with alone.

safetyfreak · 31/12/2018 03:12

There is no need for you to visit on your own especially considering the way she treats you.

Original poster
Florence243 · 31/12/2018 03:18

Thank you all so much for your advice - I really appreciate it. It's so hard to talk with people in RL without tip-toeing

I'm unsure of how to tag names on here do I'm.sorry for replying in a oner!
I really don't want her to feel like she's ever missing out so I will tread carefully where o can but it's very true about cheerful replies to her! I need to grow some balls and just be bold! Some arguments definitely are worth having.

The other thing that I need to say politely to her is to stop with the excessive buying. You'll all know what it's like when you visit family with a baby and the amount of stuff you need to take and she finds it funny that I struggle to pack the car even more so after visiting her. My parents have bought essential for their house such as nappies, formula etc to lighten the load but my MIL doesn't seem to take the hint when I mention this to her!
Our house is becoming a shitshow of toys that are far too old for our baby at the moment but she "wants him to have the best" as she says but it's clear she enjoys putting everyone else to shame with the gift-giving. It upsets my Mum but I have reassured her that I appreciate that my Mum helps in ways that my MIL doesn't (want to, because she doesnt want to help me!!)

I'm sorry for the rant but honestly, your responses have really helped. It's so easy to feel alone and helpless around this woman, especially when she influences DH but he is my son and I need to set some ground rules!
I'm so aware that I can't sacrifice time or watch my son getting hurt or starting off with a bad routine just to please my MIL! She's honestly so passive aggressive it's insane! Why are some MILs like that???? I don't understand why someone would want to cause stress for a new Mum! It just seems to harsh

OP posts:
Original poster
Florence243 · 31/12/2018 03:21

Ps sorry for the typos!
Sounds dramatic but it's keeping me awake!

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 31/12/2018 03:23

I’d start by enforcing bedtime! Reduce visits

Lolorolomolo · 31/12/2018 04:09

Be smart about it though. I had this, stood up to the MIL and the DH sided with her! The marriage broke down! So do it, but do it with finesse.

greatandpowerfulozma · 31/12/2018 06:55

Oh no! I hate the excessive gift buying. It’s annoying because you have to find space for it all. I’m always very down on that and it keeps it under some sort of control. Dropped lots of hints around her birthday and Christmas about what a nightmare it would be if someone brought a giant dolls house or whatever and how nice it was when people got you books. Worked quite well. Thank goodness

subspace · 31/12/2018 08:40

"Oops, not enough room in the car, we'll have to leave some of it here for next time he visits!"

... and sell/charity shop the excess crap, don't let it clutter up your home, and/or cheerfully arrive back at hers with it next time, saying "he won't use this for another couple of years, so I've brought it back to keep at Nanny's house until he's ready for it!" Xmas Grin that way either toy physically can't take the next load of crap with you, or at least you aren't storing more

gudrunandtheseeress · 31/12/2018 11:17

I was married to a man like this with a mother like this.

I haven't seen either of them for over 10 years and this bliss this has brought has been glorious. That's the only solution I can offer you because I truly believe you can never, ever reason with dyed in the wool narcissists. You are being abused by both of them and there is no respect for you. I know I'm being blunt but there is no way to sugar coat this, if you plan to stay (and your resolve to do that will be steadily worn away over the years) do you think there is a magic wand that can save your sanity? I myself never found one by staying.

StressedToTheMaxx · 31/12/2018 18:32

With the excessive toys- You and dh should look together for a toy box to gift to mil so she can keep all the toys she buys at her house so dc has things there to play with

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