Am I horrible to him?

[Donnas146]

Hi my name is Donna I’m 28 and have been with oh for 7 years, this is going to be quite a long one as will go back to a few years ago. I love my oh but some days I doubt he loves me even though deep down I know he cares and loves me in a way. We have our own home he works 2 jobs to pay for holidays for us we are struggling to conieve which is a big issue in our relationship and has caused a lot of tension and pain from the beginning. Background- I met him at a bar and we had a one night stand that odviousky turned into this now lol he was very keen on me ( and I wasn’t) he said he couldn’t believe a beautiful girl like me was interested in him I felt flattered and my friends loved him from the beginning. We went out drank and took drugs a lot the cracks began to show about 3 months in when he told me he tried to have a baby with an ex and she had cheated and was now pregnant with his friends baby and then told me he doesn’t think he could have children. I didn’t think much of this at the time but told him I’d tberes any chance the baby was his please have a dna but he said there was no chance and I know for a fact he wouldn’t lie and would of beeen in the child’s life as he loves children and always wanted a child. In a way it kind of made me think he just wants a child doesn’t care with who and it’s different for me as I got pregnant with a very abusive ex when I was younger and had a termination as I knew he would of been a horrible
Father and I would have been tied to him for life, know I’ve met my oh I knew right from the first few days I wanted children with him ( I always used the pill before him) so I come off the pill and we started trying. Two years into the relationship he started being bad tempered when he’d had too much to drink to the point where he strangled me and pushed me around the next day he was always sorry and cried and told me his dad would be ashamed of him doing this to a woman. I honestly think he was having a breakdown from the not being able to have kids thing ( and I know a lot will say that’s an excuse) but if you knew him as a person he really isn’t a woman beater type he’s not controlling or a narcissists attention seeker no traits he just seemed to go off the rails and take it out on the closest person to him being me. I forgave him but sometimes I think I’d he could do those things did he ever really
Love me. This year just gone we had a fall
Out over our sil as my oh seemed to flirt with her all the time she was around and any events/social gatherings I’d i couldn’t find him I’d go looking and find him with her, this really hurt me and ever since I’ve not felt right about him. We’ve had it out with eaxorher and he’s adamant he doesn’t see her like that but I’m not stupid I know what I saw. I have no problem with him talking to anyone it just seemed different with her. It’s now awkward to be around his family/her. I also hate his brothers and his mom there horrible people that have made nasty comments over the years and for the past 2 it’s been about us having kids and we’ve been called names by them because of it, this deeply anger me and pissesmw off to the point I stopped going around and made my excuses. Oh and me had a row one night and he shouted “I can’t even be around my own family because of you” like it’s my fault there a load of arseholes! Despite all this crap I do love him I just don’t understand how we were once so close and now it doesn’t feel the same he’s always been quiet but sometimes it’s annoying as I feel
Like we have no conversation. The reason I’m writing this is because we went shopping the other day together and he got in a mood because he couldn’t find me in a different shop he said right I’m going I’ve had enough. It seems stupid and fair enough he doesn’t like shopping neither do I lol but we first went for food and he didn’t talk and then his short temper really pissed me off he always seems to be the same so I end up nagging him and I over dramatise the whole thing and will say things like if you hate spending time with me that much then fuckoff, am I over sensitive? And I horrible for feeling like this? I honestly can’t see myself being with anybody else except for him but I don’t understand why I feel so lost in the relationship and it’s just changed this year fromwhat it used to be.
Sorry it’s been a long post

Good god. It isn’t supposed to be this hard. You need to split up now whilst you’re young enough to meet the right person.

So many red flags. His moods, your anger, his abuse, his disgusting family. Please don’t bring a baby into this mess 😭

OP - you met each other young and now have grown up and changed.
By what you are describing - this relationship is dying. It ran out of steam. And unlikely to get it back.

And - he IS the type to hit a woman. He got drunk and got physical with you. So - he is the type. And it’ll happen again.
People who struggle to conceive - can get depressed and unhappy. But they don’t strangle each other because of that.

Don’t make excuses for him.

You can’t imagine a life without him because you got used to this life and got stuck there. Get out now while you are still young and can meet I someone better for you.

As to his desire in the early 20s to father a child, with ex, that he then transferred to you - i’d be concerned with this, rather be happy about it. Something is off about it.
And if he was this concerned - btw - after failure to conceive for a while - he’d be at the doctor to understand what’s going on. Has he been?

If not, i’d be even more concerned and running away even faster.

Only this past year and we have now been referred to the hospital as he has a low count, I bagged him
For years to go and he would cry about it when he was very drunk and apologise over and over he has even hurt his self
In front of me. But that was years ago he hasn’t done anything like that for about 3 years now and we seemed to get back on track and then this past year with the flirting it just seemed to change how I felt I feel unsure about how he feels about
Me. I always question if he loves me I even had a break down over not conceiving a few months ago and he talked to me about it and things seemed to be looking a bit brighter I know the conceiving is a big issue, I really do love him but I do feel a bit stuck and don’t know what to do anymore

I also should
Mention the abuse years ago
Seemed to trigger anxiety as I now have an anxiety disorder if happened a few weeks after he Strangled me and I’ve nevwr been the same since. Don’t think I’m a cowering victim who he beats as like I said that was years ago and I can myself get quite nasty verbally in arguements, I just don’t know wether the constant worry and uncertainty about his feelings for me are my anxiety or I am right and he just doesn’t
Love me and he is also feeling stuck and that we’ve both changed

I also wanted to mention that I don’t work anymore because of my anxiety so I find it hard to get out and meet people my oh has told
Me to go out and offered to pay for hobbies but because of how much he works when we have the time I just want to be with him where he is the opposite he has his own hobbies

Wow I felt exhausted just reading that post! It sounds like you both annoy and irritate the life out of each other. Of course if you have been together for 7 years it will be really difficult to imagine being with anyone else.

In your last post you said that after talking things felt a bit brighter, so can I suggest you do a lot more of that - when sober of course - and try to work out what you both want from this relationship. If you can’t communicate, you’ve got nothing.

Ah, so now you are giving more information. It sounds like due to your anxiety problems you feel stuck in the house with no hobbies. Perhaps you could try to do something to address that? You really don’t want to be so reliant on another person. Have you been through options with your GP?

Yeah that’s what my kind of goal is for the new year I’m going to start the gym and take a few dance classes as I was a keen dancer when younger i find it hard to leave the house without somebody with me it I’ve slowly been working on it and yes I’ve been going to a counsellor the gp seems to think it stems from not being able to get pregnant which I think is true in a way as it has made me deeply
Depressed

Day to day we are good with each other and yes we do irritate the life out of each other

too much to drink to the point where he strangled me and pushed me around the next day

Why on earth are you still with someone who strangled you?!

Just a word of warning - strangulation is the one act, more than any other, that puts a woman at greatest risk of one day being murdered by her partner, even if there are no other acts of violence.

This article says it puts you at 7 times more risk, but there are other studies with up to ten - www.charlotteobserver.com/news/local/crime/article195448364.html

OP this relationship is dead in the water

Do not have a baby with this man

Because I know how bad it sounds to you all but at the time we were both violent on drugs and partied all the time we were both depressed and he took it out on me. I was in a very anusive relationship before him during my teens and my oh now is nothing like my
Ex personality wise, I say the things you are saying to me to other people so I know how stupid and I’m denial I sound. The day after he done that he sat down with me and said he was ashamed of hisself and had never done anything like that before and I’ll always know he took the anger out he felt for his ex out on me in a way and also about not being able to have children I’d that makes sense and I really mean it when I say if I felt in danger I would not be with him he has never touched me again but I know I had to
Mention this in the post as it is relevant as I feel it’s resenTment towards him stemming from that and everything else on top. Not being able
To have a baby has changed me aswell I’ve become an angry and quite a nasty jealous person because of it, I just don’t know if it’s all
In my head feeling he doesn’t
Love me and always second guessing myself. My family love him and he can never do too
Much for them he is a quiet man until
He’s had a drink he has problems with drinking too
Much but has promised he will stop and go
Cold turkey from
Next week and I have also
Said the same ( I’m not a big drinker anymore anyway)

Where do you begin? There’s so much wrong here it’s difficult to know where to start. We can only go off what you’ve posted so I don’t mean to upset or offend. But this isn’t a good relationship. Not by a mile. And I’m troubled for both your well being and safety.

I’m sure 90% of the time he’s a model partner, maybe...85%? But there’s so much hostility. Unhappiness. Occasional violence. I’m struggling to see any redeeming qualities here. You can’t have a child with this man. Seriously.

I appreciate you’ve been together 7 years? That you’ve invested time and energy into this relationship. I also understand you are not working have issues of your own such as anxiety. To challenge all of that is short term misery. It’s hard. Very hard. I’ve just ended a five year relationship so I know it’s daunting.

But a healthy relationship is miles, and I mean miles apart from what you have now. I think you need to call time. Stay with family. Get help and give yourself time and space to heal. Then find someone who loves and cares for you. Doesn’t abuse you. Doesn’t get violent. Doesn’t guzzle booze and pop drugs like candy. Someone you feel safe and happy around. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. That it’ll be unicorns and rainbows. But in the end you’ll be happier for it. Best of luck.

It's not what you think.
It's not about whether you feel threatened or worried for your safety (although you do, this is what your anxiety is, which you yourself said started after he strangled you); its about what he's capable of, and he has shown you what he is capable of.

So, again, it doesn't matter what's he's like most of the time, its the 1% when he could easily murder you in one of his 'angers'/or blaming the drink for his abuse.

Please, please STOP considering conceiving with this nasty man, can you imagine how things will go if you fall out when you have a baby, how he'll be,and his family, they ll be onto ss telling them you're an abusive mother and trying to get your DC taken off you! That's what happens.

Please get rid. He's not someone to have a relationship with, sets your sights far higher and get yourself a better set of expectations about what you deserve, as you definitely deserve better, and need to stop over-thinking everything (again a symptom of his abuse).

Sorry, that 'STOP' was meant to be in lower case - stop

Please don't even consider having a child with this man.Walk away.

I know for a fact he wouldn’t lie

😂😂😂

Re going cold turkey and alcohol, please be aware that for those dependant on it there can be serious side effects so sometimes not a good idea (he shouldn’t take this as an excuse not to try though]. See here for further info www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/how-to-reduce-your-drinking/how-to-cut-down/how-to-stop-drinking-alcohol-completely/

Leave!
His family sound awful and so does he! Imagine having a child in this mess! You would be tied forever with him and his nasty family

That’s it Notthefordtype laugh at someone’s misfortunes this is an advice website not about being a nasty Cunt

I honestly can’t see myself being with anybody else except for him but I don’t understand why I feel so lost in the relationship

Come on op. Jesus Christ. He's a complete numpty. Can you really argue otherwise? Read what you have written!

You only feel as if you can't be with anyone else because you're attached to him.

Believe me, if you left him and gave all this massive drama up, within a year you'll wonder wtf you were thinking wasting so much time and effort on someone who is completely dreadful. Who has already strangled you! FFS.

He's a criminal, a liar and a massive drama queen.

Please move on with your life. it's not meant to be this way. Honestly.

How are you OP?