Emotional Abuse - coping strategies

[tiggerbounces7]

So, I posted last night and from the replies I got it seems like I am dealing with EA. Can anyone give any practical advice on how to treat someone like this? How to deal with it when its happening? How to cope and get through each day. Its not realistic to walk out right now, I have a 9 month old and a 5 year old and no family and no job. I need a sensible plan and for the meantime I need coping strategies. What is the best way to deal with someone who is passive aggressive and emotionally abusing?

I've tried questioning his behaviour, challenging it, shouting, screaming, crying, begging, walking away, getting angry, not saying anything, being reasonable, reflecting back to him... but nothing works. He somehow always manages to turn it back to me everytime, its always my fault, and honestly Im really beginning to question myself and my sanity and this is what is making me feel crazy. Any ideas?

1. He sleeps on the sofabed so every morning there is a "Morning, how did you sleep scenario" which I find so weird....He never smiles or has warm eyes, he's always a bit offhand and appears moody and hardly looks at me. If I say "Be really nice if you could be friendly in the morning" He gets really angry and starts saying I wasn't so why should he....
2. If I ask him anything which he perceives as challenging (e.g. any question to do with money, domestic issues, children, helping me with anything...), he says things like "Don't start", "I don't want to arguedon't want an argument", "Why are you arguing"...I am getting really frustrated with it (mostly because its always in front of our son and I don't like being accused of something Im not doing) and I usually say "Im not!" in a frustrated tone, he then accuses me of "yelling" and when I say i haven't even raised my voice, he starts walking away and saying things like "What are you doing now", "Why are you doing this", "Why cant you just deal with the situation right now"...
3. If I hurt myself, say burn myself on a pan, or accidentally slip down the stairs, he will over the top shout and scream, like he's panicking, and then instead of going "Are you ok" he'll go "What did you do, why did you do that? What happened", and then when I challenge and say "Why aren't you just seeing if Im ok?/Getting ice/plaster ", he loses it and gets really angry...again "Why are you making this about me?", "Why are you arguing?"
4. If I am sad over something, if I cry, at something small or large, he will just ignore me, look at me, and there is no reaction, an extreme is say when my mum died, my dad died, I lost a baby through an ectopic pregnancy, and on a lesser level when I was pregnant and nearly lost baby, the relief when I knew I hadn't and then general pregnancy hormones, or if something is going wrong at work, you know, end of the week knackered type of tears. Still no reaction, zero, zilch, nada. If I ask him why, ask him to try to care, to hug me or something, he'll get angry and walk off usually saying something like "Why are you making it about me now?"....he often says "You're losing it"
5. If I try and talk about something he doesn't like to talk about, usually money, say, have you paid off your credit card in Australia, or have you sold the car yet, 2 years later...he gets angry, and talks over me. Someone told me once to be assertive and try to just keep talking but he just talks over me loudly saying the same thing over and over and over again, its like hes gone crazy...
6. He is always accusing me of being angry and yelling when I'm definitely not, often Im actually really upset, often crying and my tone has changed but definitely not angry, Im usually trying to ask him why he isn't reacting emotionally to something like me crying, or a situation that has upset me. When I try to respond he seems to try and bate me, its really weird, and its often when I think he's actually angry but sort of passively angry, he'll clench his fists, and teeth, and his eyes get sort of starey and he'll come way to close into my space, going "Look, you're getting really angry, go and calm down, count to ten, get some fresh air, look at you, you can't control yourself" talking really fast and not letting me say anything, and not listening when I try and challenge, ... a few times when hes done this, when I was pregnant I slapped him as I think i was scared, freaked, trying to get him to snap out of it, he now uses thing against me and recently has started accusing me of domestic violence. When this has happened, he has gripped my wrists of both arms really tightly so it hurts and leaves marks and shoved or pushed me very hard against the door, or wall and then accused me of trapping him in as if its a justification. He can't bare me closing the door, usually so our sons can't hear what is going on at night...
7. He is doing all of this in front of our 5 year old, and I really don't like what it is teaching him...

Can anyone give any advice about any of these scenarios...I tried walking away earlier when he was being rude yet again about something.."That's nice, you're always telling me not to walk away"...

I am so lost as to how to react. I feel like I need to say something when hes accusing me of being angry and arguing and yelling when Im clearly not as the message it must be sending to our son must be very confusing. I often find myself saying, "Please stop being mean" "Try and be kind, please" and then he loses it and says I shouldn't say that in front of our son. I should keep him out of it.

SO confused!
Help anyone?
Thank you.x

OP - it’s hard to really know what’s going on.
Reading your post - I see more in it then him EA to you. I see two people who are different on many levels - emotionaly and communications-wise you seem to not overlap....

There are too many points to really answer - but as an example - i’ll pick a few....

1. I am not a morning person. Don’t give anyone ‘warm eyes’. And if someone said to me in the mornings that ‘it’d be nice if I were nice’ - i’d take it as them being passive aggressive at best...
2. You seem to get frustrated easily
3. If something happens - I find a question ‘are you OK’ - totally ridiculous and impersonal. Clearly I can see the other person is OK and ambulance isn’t needed... Equaly - being ‘challenged’ at that time and being told what I should be asking instead of whatever i said - i’d find aggressive and argumentative...

And you mention crying a lot and lack of reaction on his side... Ita one thing when the crying is due to some real extreme event, but you mention ‘end of the week sort of cry’ - and I think you think it’s a real thing. It isn’t.
To people who don’t cry often - or ever - people who cry easily appear as needy and manipulative. And asking for attention. And this is how you description of your crying and him not reacting comes across to me - who isn’t very emotional.

OP - I don’t know what is going on in your life. You seem unhappy and blaming him foe everything. Yet, in your own description - you come out as not an easy person to be around. You want him to be someone he is not. And you don’t seem to see that the way you are - maybe contributing to it.
It takes two.

I am not sure the two of you can resolve it. Not the way you aren’t talking to each other.

I agree with @MMmomDD & alot of your behaviour seems passive aggressive for sure. Just two complete opposites that can't communicate properly with eachother

I'm sorry, but what???

Did you just read the same OP as me?

He is an abusive, self centred narcissistic arse who cares only for himself. That is apparent from ALL the scenarios you describe OP. sadly, I am familiar with much of this behaviour and there is nothing you can do because it's all about him, and his needs.

I don't have advise (other than ending the marriage). It I have sympathy.

I found counselling invaluable when I had similar with (npw)exh. My Dr recommended someone who specialized in self confidence.. Exh willingly parented kids while I went - he had convinced himself I was mad and was going to be put in my place by the counsellor but it wasn't like that at all, she really gave me confidence in myself and coping strategies to deal with the break up and our kids. I really really recommend a good counselor you can confide in. All the best and good luck

In this situation, I’d just start to withdraw and have as little to do with him as possible while i planned to leave.
There’s nothing you can do or say that will have any impact on him.

Slightlyjaded..

I too see a couple with vastly different ways of dealing with issues and communication.
And the way they are clush.

Op seems to need someone very attuned to her mood and empathetic. And someone who’d make her feel better.
And if she doesn’t get the emotional reaction she seeks at a particular moment - she prods for it, and gets annoyed.

And her partner clearly fails to provide her with what she needs.

It’s hard to say whether he is also abusive in his own right, or it’s accumulated irritability that they have built up.

Op in situations of EA the worst thing is to try to understand why they are behaving like that. The confusion can drive you mad. No amount of explaining yourself or challenging them will change it. You have to truly accept they do not care, which on some level you keep believing they do.

Do not enter in conversations they don't want to talk about as there's no point. Seriously you know the outcome. You have to go NC and try to find a solution to move out asap. Sorry you are feeling like this.

You are both damaged and need help, if you love you children is there anyone who can look after them while you sort this?

It seems the most damaging is when he's saying you're arguing or yelling. Don't give him the upper hand. You will want to argue to say no I'm not! Walk away. It's sooooook difficult but you can do it. Whether you explain or cry or whatever he will not talk to you on your level. Stop trying.

Do you love your children, let them go

Goodnight

I understand OP because what you’ve described is the same thing I’m going through with my DH almost word for word. In fact, it’s a relief to see it written down as I’ve often wondered if I’m going mad and imagining it. I live in this weird world where everyone else sees my life as me being a doormat and “putting up with him” with him convinced that I’m “mean” and “psycho”. So I get it. I’m going to seek counselling for me and the destroyed self confidence I have. I’ve decided to stop trying but the issue is when something rude/mean is randomly said. If I then challenge or defend myself it’s seen as “arguing” or being “mean”. It’s incredibly hard to deal with as (like you I imagine) I’m a kind, decent person who has spent my life pretty much letting him get his own way all the time. I’ve decided that in those moments where he’s turning weird/mean/rude/inconsiderate then I’m just going to smile, say “let’s park this until later. I’ll come back when you’re in a better mood”. It’s hard because nothing ever then gets resolved and it feels a very lonely place to be especially if you (like me) feel that you’ve been unfairly treated. I recommend finding a counsellor who can help you work through this, that’s my strategy for 2019

I'm reading some of these responses thinking WTF?? Agree with slightlyjaded's assessment-- it's all about him. This is a very unhealthy dynamic and by focusing on the details of each situation and trying to solve his behaviour you'll just tie yourself in knots. The suggestion of a counselor is a great idea, for yourself. Do not go to joint counseling as he'll undoubtedly make it look as if it's your problem, especially if he's accusing you of domestic violence.

A few years ago I started posting about my exHs behaviour and picking apart the situations trying to find out where things were going wrong. Thankfully I got some excellent advice about emotional abuse and a reference to Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That' , also Patricia Evans 'Verbal Abuse'. Excellent strategies presented for understanding and coping with behaviour in those books.

But as marciebluebell says NC/ getting away from him for a while would be the best way forward. In the meantime acknowledging the situation can help. What really worked for me when I felt I couldn't leave my EA marriage was the grey rock method (google if you want details). I totally detached and rather than react to or escalate situations I became as unresponsive as a grey rock. It may sound passive aggressive but it saved my sanity, I'd started lashing out at him (which I was really ashamed of) and only by not engaging was I able to deal with my strong emotions and constant feelings of unfairness.

Good luck to you as well Doobee-- detach and rebuild your self confidence. Interestingly, in almost 2 years since exH and I separated, I don't think I have felt angry at anyone, haven't fought or struggled to make anyone understand what i meant and no one has as much as raised their voice to me...I used to experience burning anger every day just saying, it wasn't me!

The single most effective thing you can do is get the hell away from him. 9 month old or not. This IS currently damaging both children. This IS currently damaging your ability to parent both children.

Everything else is just trying to stop a major arterial bleed that needs A&E with a plaster.

I can't believe posters are blaming you OP. They have clearly never been in this situation. There is always a solution. You can leave. I left with young DC and no job. This is a harmful environment for you and your DC. You all deserve better.

Thanks for the kind responses. I'll try and not focus on the ones that aren't. Guess some people like to kick you when you're down. Happy New Year. x

Grey rock and detach detach detach. All while secretly arranging your exit from the relationship.