Right please educate me on men

[isitmee]

After reading A few. threads today about red flags and abusive men I've came to the conclusion that I know absolutely nothing!

I've been single for about a year, previous relationship had some control, coercion and manipulation involved but I do still think some of that was my fault, I was a chronic people pleaser at first and was prone to making rash not well thought out decisions like moving house etc. So I don't know if he was just trying to protect the family from me?!

Anyway, been looking online for a few months, keep taking the huff with it as every one who seems decent at first end up sending me dick picks and chat is just purely focussed on sex. Then I thought, right, men are wired different, of course they want sex, maybe they just want to know about sex first then the other relationship stuff will come next? Is this crazy? Are ALL men like this??

I watch too many films where the guy falls for the woman because of her good nature, loving and kindness, blah blah and that is really what I want, someone to see me for me, for who I am but then I thought am I just living in a fantasy world? Does this stuff actually ever happen?

I think we can generally all agree that like women, men are not a single block of people with only one set of traits.

Some men will fall for a woman because of her good nature, kindness to small furry animals etc. but they may also notice other things first such as looks, clothes or hobbies. Other men may just be more appearance based in initial attraction.

There is probably going to be a difference in the type of men you meet based on how you meet them. If you're on Tinder then it will be looks based as that's one of the main factors.

It also works the other way. Would you ignore looks and other qualities in a man purely because he was good natured etc? It definitely happens but having a degree of mutual attraction is necessary.

Finally your comment about wondering if this stuff every happens? What do you see in your circle of friends? I see plenty of people I know who have strong relationships based on trust, mutual interests and respect for each other. They're not all perfect but they do work on their differences.

Your post is all over the place and that generally makes me think that your emotions and your life is a bit of the same.

Theres a couple of things I have picked up on that I want to comment on. All of which I say with the intent to help you dear.

First of all, "people pleaser", do not put yourself down and make out like this is a bad thing. I think its good that you can acknowledge your flaws and that you want to overcome them. Forgive yourself for the past and be aware of the signs of when you may act in this way again and try to stop or reduce it. I think you really need to focus on yourself, your self-love and self-esteem. Your heading into a new year so please use this as an opportunity to ask yourself, "What do you want this year?", "What will make you happy?", "What three things do you want to change and/or improve about yourself?" All of these questions cannot have men or relationships in the answer.

The thing is that you need too work on you! Join a gym, go travelling, change your style or hair, focus on your career. When you grow as a person and when you surround yourself with the right people, you will become more sure about yourself and will learn and grow as a person.

The second point I want to comment on is the relationships and men/sex aspect of your post. Most men will go online to look for sex because they can be more assertive, bold or just out there online than they could if they meet someone face to face in a bar. If you are not just looking for sex then delete tinder, forgot the dating apps and start making friendships with men in real life.

The self-love comment above and finding the right man who wants more than sex is very much connected.

Good men want a confident, happy, secure, ambitious women. A man will chase you when you expose all of these things and you are not even trying to get his attention. You just need to life your live hun, embrace everything and become a confident tiger and then the right man will come along. When you are desperately wanting a relationship and someone who wants me for more than sex, they will smell that and no one wants the girl who is always thinking about meeting the one. When you become confident in your own life and you meet a nice guy, it shows him that you are happy to date him or see him but your life would still be great if he didn't call or he wasn't there anymore.

I also think you need to be open to men who do not always fit into your "type" and ask yourself, how many deal breakers do you have? Theres a website called anewmode that gives dating and relationship advice which I found really helpful before I met my husband. I would encourage you look at all.

No, not all men are like this but unfortunately online dating is full of men that seem to think that showing a woman a picture of their genitals will have them falling at their feet.
There are tons of guys who are there to just get an ego boost/ quick kick out of talking sex but for me it's the most boring thing in the world unless I've actually exchanged bodily fluids with someone

When I was on the dating apps my profile clearly stated that if they couldn't hold a conversation without referencing their penis then they weren't the man for me. Still got plenty who tried it but I went to watch paint dry instead of engaging with them.

Saying that, there are still genuine guys out there, you've just got to sift through the boring sex pests to find them!

The thing that attracted me to my BF was that there was no sex chat at all. He engaged my mind without once paying me sleazy compliments or trying to steer the conversation towards anything sexual. We chatted for about a month before meeting and the conversation went off on all sorts of tangents, he made me laugh and conversation never felt forced or awkward.
Sex is so much better with someone who can stimulate your mind

Be strong about what you want and hold out for the right ones, don't try to appease the ones out for cheap thrills if that's not what you're after

Thank you that was very helpful and very spot on! I am a bit all over the place, I've done a lot of work on my self this year but I do think I need to continue with that and in peeling back the layers I'm definitely finding myself, but I'm also finding that there's a lot of different aspects to me and it's co fusing so yes I think I need to continue my journey so I know exactly who I am and what I want. To be honest I dont even want a serious relationship as I have young children but I am definitely missing intimacy.

But that makes sense, it's plenty of fish I'm looking on so I suppose it comes with the territory that most will be sex orientated. So instead of thinking all men are like that, it's just the ones that gravitate towards easy free dating sites! Light bulb moment!

Yep I've just got rid of one I was contemplating meeting. That's what I want, mental stimulation, conversation, laughs and then the sex is a bonus. But I honestly started to think it's ever going to happen so I've been talking to this guy, very attractive but clearly a sex pest, half arranged to meet him tomorrow night and he's text to see if we are still on so I've replied saying if he is interested in me then he'll have to date me properly so I can actually talk to him, get to know him. I doubt I'll get a reply lol but I'm thinking now I don't even know if I want one

I’m a guy and I never understood the dick picture thing. I mean it’s not exactly Rembrandt to look at is it?

And this guy you’re potentially seeing sounds like a creep. Don’t be down on yourself. You can do better. And as other posters have said don’t fret about it. Just be yourself abs do the things you enjoy and men will find that attractive and be interested.

You need to stop needing a relationship OP. Until you know what you want or need there's simply no point. Berate me by all means ppl.
That'll put things clearer in the long run.

Plenty of fish is full of sex pests but I wouldn't say that's true for all the free apps. I met my bf on badoo, which also has its fair share of creeps however I did meet some genuine guys on there too. My exh met his new fiancé on tinder which has a reputation for being just for hook ups but again I met some ok people on there.

Dating is a numbers game, unfortunately you have to kiss a few frogs along the way! As others have said though, working on being happy alone is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Best advice I can give is to have no expectations, I went into OLD with the intention of just casually dating a few guys, but of fun etc but as it happened met someone who made me want to have a relationship again.
If casual sex isn't what you're after though, I'd avoid meeting anyone who you haven't made this clear to or anyone who dives straight in with it as you'll only be meeting with different expectations