Hi all,
I guess it's a reflective time of year. I'm trying to figure out what the best way to end a friendship is.
The rough story is, my best friend was a man. We'd been friends for a while, and at one point he was providing a lot of support as I had a serious family illness. We seemed to be getting closer and closer and
I was round at his all the time, and there were, I swear to god, mixed signals, so I bit the bullet and asked him out. He said no.
There were kind of a few problems after that - he embarked on a obsession which kind of had the side effect of making it tough for me to go over without also taking his hobby up. It was frankly hurtful.
He's since had a whirlwind marriage and baby with a woman whose name is depressingly similar to my own. I didn't get on with his new partner - I think she saw me as a threat and wanted me off the scene, and there were a load of microaggressions. I had a dying parent and although I thought about trying to make more of an effort with her, the few efforts I did make I got no thanks for and I ran out of energy.
I bought a present for the baby in a no hard feelings sort of way - it was born in the first half of the year - and I've avoided both of them ever since. I didn't attend their wedding. I don't see a way back from this, really. He's made his choice and committed, and I have to get on with my own life as best I can. I wish he'd picked a more likable woman (I'll accept I'm biased, but it rubs salt in the wound that she really doesn't seem like a good match), but I can only hope her problems are particular to me. But it is massively painful seeing him with a growing young family at the point I'm looking at never having kids myself (I'm 41), and have lost one parent and are likely to lose the other of another serious disease in the next few years. It's like constantly having the alternate reality waved in my face while I'm feeling like a total failure at families and he couldn't have done a better job of hurting me if he'd tried.
He still texts every so often and keeps inviting me to dinner. Needless to say, hell will freeze over. I turn all invites down politely. I really just want him to go away, and to know as little as possible of what is going on there for my own mental health, as the last thing I can afford is to get obsessed with whether he made a mistake. It won't help me now. I have the problem that there is also a large group of mutual friends. I don't want to drag anyone into anything, but it's awkward making arrangements when everybody assumes I'd want to include him (and he now tends to come with his new missus, who I really, really don't want to deal with).
So what do I do? I don't think this is so hard to figure out for him, but maybe it is. Do I write, explain, and just ask him to please go away for at least a few more years until I manage to get myself in a better place? I think he rather naievely thought he could stay friends with me in the same way despite his marriage to somebody who clearly doesn't like me. Do I just ghost him until he gives in? What do I tell mutual friends? I'm thinking about just saying I don't get on with his wife and would prefer not to deal with them. Or nothing? Any advice?