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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Where to go from here?

24 replies

Hopskipjumping · 30/12/2018 16:38

Dropped DP, father to our 7&2 year old off at pub to watch football with friends at 11:30am. Said he’d be home for 5pm, this changed to 7, then 9.

At 5pm only one Childless friend was left. By 11pm I told him I thought it was time to come home. I had a lunch/party today between 2-8pm for aunties 60th and he was watching kids.

He ignores me and I endlessly call him. I call his childless friend who was on his way home at 11pm. Eventually OH answered and told me he was walking home. Then half an hour later he said was back in the pub, alone.

Eventually got home at 1:30am covered in mud as apparently he walked home and fell down a hill.

Turns out he was in the pub with a lot of undesirables, drugs dealers etc in the pub. He apparently paid £40 for cocaine.

This comes after a year of real struggle with him. We are due to marry in a year.

In may 2018 I was having a family bbq. He had 2-3 vodkas and disappeared to the bedroom. I caught him taking cocaine in our toilet and he was making plans to leave me and th kids at 4pm to go out with undesirable friends.

I almost ended it there and then but he promised to change. Since then there’s been 2-3 occasions where he has stayed out all night, coming home at 8am.

In October I got a job after 2 years as a sahm. I now work full time earning £27k. I hardly see my kids. He earns £85k so he’ll always be okay. Not sure I can continue working this much as I’m so depressed not seeing my kids.

He promises me the world. Tells me to quit my job, take a part time role but I’m lucky To have This job. It’ll keep a roof over my kids head.

I just don’t know where or what to do from here. I asked him to leave for a few days. Go to a hotel but he refuses and cries. Promising to change.

I didn’t get to go to my aunties party as no kids were invited and I refuse to leave them with him whilst he’s blowing his brains out his nose and lying around feeling sorry for himself.

OP posts:

maximumcarnage · 30/12/2018 16:43

Wow. He sounds amazing. I’m stunned you haven’t married him already. What’s the hold up? Don’t we all want partners who do drugs, guzzle booze and refuse to be responsible? Dream come true.

Why do you want to marry him or even remain with him, just morbidly curious.

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 30/12/2018 16:44

Because we have two kids together and I want a stable home for them with both parents involved. I don’t know I cling onto hope it’ll work out for them.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/12/2018 16:47

He will never provide them with a stable home...

Go to CMS for maintenance and split permanently or accept his alcohol and cocaine binges as a way of life!

bigchris · 30/12/2018 16:47

Unless he agrees to quit the drugs I'm sorry but you can't marry him

It's you or cocaine

He needs therapy for addictions, rehab or whatever

PaleRider1 · 30/12/2018 16:47

Well I'd certainly not be marrying him.

He needs help, but unless he can see that and is fully willing to seek the required help then it is never going to happen.

What is your housing situation? Do you have family you could visit for a couple of days as he wont leave?

MarieG10 · 30/12/2018 16:50

What a fantastic catch you have got there. Drink, drugs , couldn't give a toss about you or the kids oh...and earns £85k. Well all he will do is get worse so I personally wouldn't care if he earns £850k I wouldn't stay with him. Do you really want your kids thinking to ok to do cocaine as they get older?

DianaT1969 · 30/12/2018 16:53

Sunken cost fallacy.
2 children and hope doesn't make him someone he isn't.
If he was earning 15k and behaving like this, I suspect you'd see the light a lot faster.
You missed an important family occasion. That's your life he's wasting.

Are you willing to gamble that he'll change and neverbrevert back to this whenever bored/stressed/tempted?

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 30/12/2018 16:53

He says he takes it because he feels anxious in social situations so drinks a lot and eventually takes coke to ease his anxiety. But it’s not 100% true. He wasn’t anxious at our family bbq with our bloody kids. He gets a few drinks and craves it.

What strange is that he isn’t up for having a night out with me drinking. He’d rather have a meal and drink cola. Or when we went a weekend away he wasn’t up for it. He just wanted to head home early. Which is fine but is inconsistent with his party loving persona with everyone else. And it can be boring for me.

He admitted after the bbq he needed help. But then live continued as normal, working kids, we continued doing family stuff at weekends and it was sort of forgotten about. And I prayed he’d seen the light and in would continue to want to be a family man and me and the kids would be enough for him.

We have a mortgaged house, both our names. He has no family. I have family but don’t want to go and live in my mums spare bedroom. It’s tiny and depressing with two kids. I done it last time and lasted a few days. Not sure what else I can do though.

Every time I look at him I feel so mad and I don’t want the kids to see me like that.

OP posts:

maximumcarnage · 30/12/2018 16:54

Do you really consider this stable? Because I’ll be honest, you have a very interesting idea of stable.

RandomMess · 30/12/2018 16:56

You don't need to move out, you can get him to buy you out or sell it...

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 30/12/2018 16:59

What did you tell your family when you missed the party? I’m sure it was nowhere near the truth out of shame and embarrassment. I don’t see how you can put up with it and definitely don’t marry him.

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 30/12/2018 17:01

No definitely not stable but I protect the kids from a lot. I worry I won’t give the kids the life they currently have. My 7 year old would be absolutely devastated for us to split. It’s not as black and white. We can go weeks and weeks, sometimes months and we will be a normal family. Cinema, dinners, bowling movie nights. Work and school during the week.

But slowly I’ve genuinely began to hate him over the year as I can’t relate to his actions when he does these things. I can’t understand why he does it and doesn’t want to come home to us.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 30/12/2018 17:03

I said he was too hungover to watch the kids. I’m devestated I can’t be there as it’s my only night off over the Christmas break and was looking forward to letting my hair down and enjoying time with my sisters and mum. He said I should of still went as he was okay to watch the kids. But it’s not fair for them to be subjected to hours of tv and PS4 cos he goes out for 14 hours on drugs and drink.

OP posts:

brusselsproutfan · 30/12/2018 17:07

I was with someone like this. He hid the cocaine habit from me and we were living together. He had terrible mood swings and would always have to "pop out" then not come back for hours or not at all. It was his mother that told me in the end.
He moved back to be with his mum and she ended up kicking him out after 5 months and he went to live in a caravan for 6 months until he met a woman that would happily take him on. That woman then kicked him out after he was taking constantly from her and not giving her any money towards rent or food. He used to earn about the same amount as your OH I think that's why they do it as they can afford it.

PaleRider1 · 30/12/2018 21:15

I notice you say you don’t want to stay at your Mums in her spare room as it’s cramped and depressing with 2 children - like last time

So, what was the reason you left last time then?

Letsmove1t · 30/12/2018 21:20

He’s made his choice sadly and you have to accept it’s not you or the DCs. Get him out, house sold- all is not list, if he sorts himself out you could have a future- in the future. For now you are on your own, look after your DCs and cut him loose and get him away from them

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 30/12/2018 21:39

The last time I moved out was August. He promised he wouldn’t take drugs. He went out and stayed out til 6am. I gave him a last chance.

He went out the next weekend and came home at 8am whilst we were having breakfast. He lied about where he was and who with. Turns out he went back to a 23 year old guys house with a crowd of 20 year olds taking coke.

I moved out. He cried. He promised change. Bla bla bla.

I told him I was telling everyone what I have endured otherwise I will look like a crazy woman kicking out a perfectly hardworking father (no one knows the extent). He said if I drag his name through the mud he’ll expose me for who I really am. I asked him what was that?? He had no answer.

He’s a fucking dick and I absolutely hate him.

He’s all over me. Kissing cuddling etc. In one breathe promising to stay out my way and sleep in my sons bed and son can sleep with me. On the other hand asking what time we are going to my dads tomorrow for nye dinner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 30/12/2018 21:41

Meanwhile I’m watching my family at the party all having the time of their life. Whilst I’m missing it due to Him. I go back to work on Thursday. We had planned for me to cut down my hours (or at least ask my boss) and if it wasn’t possible to quit as I was struggling with the hours. Fat chance of that now the unreliable fucker.

OP posts:

PaleRider1 · 31/12/2018 12:32

So you gave him a last chance and he’s continued on his way doing what he does and you’ve let him get away with it.

Don’t issue ultimatums if you aren’t willing to carry them through. And he knows you won’t follow through hence why he continues.

He’s shown you who he is. Question is what you’re going to do about it

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 31/12/2018 13:53

I guess I believe he can and will change. He said he has mental issues including anxiety which he self medicated with coke and drink with. He’s going to the doctors for help. So I continue to live in hope. My life is easier and better with him so if he can change this then it would be great. He admitted that he feels it’s pointless to go out when coke isn’t around which is why he doesn’t want to go out with me for night out.

I’m down and depressed but i don’t think I’m ready to go and break up our family.

OP posts:

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 31/12/2018 14:02

I’m not sure why you think he can and will change. If he doesn’t even want to go out with you his partner because there would be no coke I would say he has a serious addiction.

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 31/12/2018 14:05

Because people can change I guess and with help maybe he can too. When I think about it, it really does depress me. But what are my current options, to split up our family and struggle or to see what the future holds with him.

OP posts:

bethy15 · 31/12/2018 14:44

This is not a stable place for your children, he's running off and not coming back until the morning.

What if he hurts them or puts them in danger while he's high? What if he slips up and leaves some coke in his pockets the kids get into?

Staying there is putting them in danger, it may be easier for you, but is it even safe? He's a junkie, and the children are living with a junkie. He's even taking it at a family BBQ, do you not realise how dangerous that is? He had the coke around yours and other family members children.

Honestly, you need to remove yourself from him. It might be the kick up the ass he actually needs to seek professional help and get clean. But as things are, you staying there and nothing ever changing is not forcing him into any change at all.

OliviaBenson · 31/12/2018 15:37

My dad is an addict op. My childhood was marred by it. And you know who I resent the most, my mum for not being strong enough to remove us from that situation. She needed to step up and be the adult and she failed me. I have a poor relationship with her now. And yes she stayed for us kids! Ha.

His priority is drugs. He knows you won't follow through. He won't change and this won't go away.

Be strong or it will come back to bite you.

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