Soooo angry

[Onwardsandupdwards]

My STBXH & I split in April & were amicable at first but has gone sour since August.

I had our DD for the majority of Christmas but I’ve just found out that he’s been out of the country for the last day & left my DD with ex-MIL.

I’ve found out & am going to pick her up in half an hour but I am livid that he’s fucked off on holiday (assuming with OW) & dumped my DD with his Mum.

Only reason that I found out was I tried to contact him re arrangements this morning & he wasn’t responding so ended up texting his DM to find out what was going on.

I am livid as I would have had her if he couldn’t, he just refuses to communicate with me in any way.

I now don’t want to hand my DD over to him again until I get some assurance re him responding to my texts / emails or at least letting me know if he can’t look after his DD himself.

He is letting our DD down but I don’t know how to stop this.

I can see why it makes you angry, but I doubt you will get all that much support if you take it further. You don't say how old your daughter is, but do you ever leave her with your family? I think, unfortunately, after you split you have the see 'his' time as being his responsibility, and provided she is safe and cared for, I don't think there is much you can do.
Is there prior history to suggest that leaving her with MIL is letting her down?

Hmm, I dunno on this one. Maybe the MIL wanted some time with your DD? Maybe that time is beneficial to them both?

Generally the rule is that the parent whose time it is with the child, sorts childcare.

He left the child with his mother for 1 day. He can do that.

I think you really need to think about wether this is anger because he is away with ow. Because if it's really about this, you need to learn to not get so upset over this stuff.

Co parenting with an ex is hard. Learning to let stuff go over your head will make Your life easier in the long run.

Thanks for your responses, he knows I don’t want my DD (6) to stay at his DM’s overnight (safeguarding issue).

Just thought he should at least be in the country when it’s his time to have her, otherwise I would have had her.

Why have his daughter then go away? He should have at least communicated this to you although no issue with his DM looking after her granddaughter, and nice for your DD to spend time with her. When did he think you were going to find out?

It is really hard to sort these kind of arrangements out but my ex and I (never been very amicable either since first few months after split) have agreed that we always check whether other one of us can have the kids if the one who is with children can't have them for some reason. If I or he can't stand in, it is then the responsibility of the parent who has them at that time to arrange alternative. Can you meet for a coffee and talk about putting that type of arrangement in place?

Look I am co parenting with a prick of an ex who didn't even tell me he was living in with his girlfriend and my kids would be at hers with her kids. He dated her for 3 months when this happened. I found out my kids had moved house off my 7 year old. So I get it. I really get it, so please don't think I am just being a tit.

But it's his decision on wether the child can stay with his mum on his time. Just because it's his time, he doesn't have to tell you the plans, nor hand her back to instead of providing childcare.

A court won't side with you on this unless the safe guarding issue, as you call it, is serious and dangerous in which it's his parenting decisions that will be called into question.

You need to accept some things are going to shit and find a way to not get so angry.

Why is it a safeguarding issue?

Can't go into safeguarding issue as have been outed on MN before for providing too much information but let's just say it is serious and I am looking to get a court ordered prohibited steps order to ensure this doesn't happen in the future.

For the meantime, the least I expect whilst my DD is in his care is for him to be in the country.

No you can't expect that. He had her and left on the last day.

On his days, childcare is up to him. Not easy to accept, but still up to him.

Would you let him know the child was staying with one of your parents? Would you expect him to say no, that your parents/family etc can't babysit and that he will have the child instead?

As I said, you need separate your feelings towards the ex and OW.

Op, lots of sympathy, I’ve had this too.

Ex claimed to be taking two week holiday with ds, actually only took one week and then left ds with ow while he went back to work. She then left ds aged 7 alone at a hotel and it all came out.
So I suggest you talk to ex, point out that co-parenting requires trust, and he needs to be straight with you. If he is planning to leave dc with anyone else, he needs to at least tell you and provide a phone number.
This worked with my ex- having been caught out - if it hadn’t I would have become much much less helpful & obliging.

If it’s a safeguarding issue then NO it’s not his decision to be deciding if the child should be allowed to stay in that situation.
It doesn’t sound like it’s OP and MIL not liking each other. It’s obviously more serious than that as OP says she’s taking it further. I don’t know what the safeguarding is about but even obviously ex knows this but is risking child’s safety to swan off with ow. Any raised issue of safeguarding is to be taken seriously and ex should have not left child until this was cleared up with MIL