How to deal with a narcissist parent

[Sam1234567]

I'm pretty sure my father is a narcissist. He is a self centred, manipulative, liar and demanding alcoholic. After many years of NC he's back in my life as his marriage is over and he has no friends. Thankfully he lives a few hours away. He calls several times a day and behaves as though we've always had a great relationship (we haven't) and is constantly making his problems mine or my brothers. I've lost count of the hospital admissions and police visits but after almost a year of this nonsense I've come to the conclusion that nothing will change and he's a narcissist. He never asks how me or my children are, it's just all about him. He wants me to get involved by calling his soon to be ex wife (I've never met the woman) on his behalf about various issues which when I refuse to do he becomes aggressive and sulks. Cutting him off completely is difficult if not impossible, as he's completely alone. I do feel a bit bad about that but he's a total pain in the backside. So, my new years resolution is to take control back. To ignore his constant calls and only ring him a few times a week on my terms and not to get caught up in his dramas. Unfortunately by brother see this very differently. My brother doesn't like the constant calls but always ends up doing his running about for him. I've just had it with him but don't want to cut him off completely Anyone else had to deal with this?

I understand it’s very difficult and lots of people will say go NC but it’s not that easy.

I keep him at a good distance, I will get up and walk out of a room if he’s being and areshole, I only phone him once a month. I have quite strong boundaries. But that seems a little more difficult in your situation.

What does he do if you don’t answer the calls?

Consider the reasons why you do not want to cut him off some more because those are probably based on your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)of him. It’s not your fault that he is the ways he is, you did not make him that way. He is only back in your life anyway because his marriage is over (no real surprise there, narcissists cannot do relationships ) and no one else will put up with him. So what if he is completely alone, that is his doing and his alone. Why do you feel so responsible for him as his daughter. Have yo not suffered enough at s hands already. He was a crap parent to you when you were growing up and he has not changed since your own childhood. You were trained by him to serve him and put your own self last.

You need to grieve for the relationship with him you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Do you think he feels sorry for you, not a bit of it. You are his willing audience and your role needs to change urgently. He cares not a jot for you and never has either.

Make a deal with yourself not to call him at all, let alone several times a week because you will only get drawn back into his dramas if you do as well as give him the narcissistic supply that he craves. Read up on narcissistic family structures and keep well away from him going forward. It really is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist, it really is not. He has no empathy for you or anyone else for that matter.

Your brothers relationship or lack of with his dad is his own business, he may well want to continue to try with him but that does not mean you have to do so and sacrifice your own mental health and well-being in the process. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done. Your abusive dad is no different.

I have a mother like this.
I used to use very noncommittal words such as hmm, ok, right, oh really, I’m sorry to hear that. I never suggested any solutions. I also used to ring my own doorbell and say sorry I have to go
Then I would phone back when I was mentally prepared to deal with her
I’ve been no cantact with her for about 3years and it’s wonderful

Going no contact is not easy at all but what you are proposing will not work out for you, engaging at all with him will do you no favours.

Being no contact is hard, you have to let go of all and any hopes that the relationship will improve. It is not your fault he is the ways he is, you did not make him that way, the stately homes thread on these pages is also worth reading and on posting on too.

Thanks all. If I don't answer he just repeatedly rings until I block his number for a reprieve. I really don't feel I can go nc right now but will reduce it right back. He was alone over Christmas and only called me once (all about him again). He's probably drunk right now. I've never met someone so self centred.

The only way is no contact.

Go grey rock. You give nothing, are bland and non committal. Change the subject, distract. Don't engage.

Narcs lose interest when you give them nothing to work with.

Don't confront, just waffle and prevaricate. He'll stop bothering.

Oh , I so empathize with you!!

My dad resurfaced last year after his last wife died. We are NC for 24 years now. Flying monkeys told me he was returning to the area because he was all alone and he wanted me to take care of him in his old age. I told the Flying Monkeys I don't, at all, in any way, shape or form remotely care that he is alone and old.

I suggested to the Flying Monkeys he get on Tinder to find a caretaker (because what woman wouldn't fall for an 80-year-old narc, right?). My oblivious brother is stuck dealing with him. My dad dislikes my brother immensely, so I find some humor in that.

The Flying Monkeys are furious with me over it, but I told them, "I can cut you off too, you know." I am ruthless because I am not their pawn anymore. I don't care what anyone thinks - the relatives, the neighbors, nobody. The dutiful daughter has resigned her duties.

Funnily enough, I've had lots of people giving me the head to one side, wide eyed look whilst exclaiming "he is your daaaaaaaaad". Well, yes in theory he is. But he's also a selfish prick and the two are not necessarily inclusive of one another. He complained to my brother that he can't afford to live near me so I am guessing he's got my lined up as his carer. He can do one.

Don't fall for that... if they knew what he was like, they wouldn't say it!