Will I ever see the light?

[afreshnewstart]

I'm a first-time poster and a bit nervous about posting here but I just hope it'll help. I was reading a thread a few months ago which was so similar to my situation and then it stopped with no real decisions made and I remained as confused as ever (& maybe as confused as the PP I was following).

Anyhow, I'm married 1 year, together on & off for 10, I'm 40 with no children, in pretty good physical shape, okay job etc. It's not all his fault but I think my DH and I are incompatible in many ways. We argue most days. He has, as his brother would say, a 'black and white way of looking at the world.' I'm more sensitive and in to discussion. We've both said horrible things to one another in the course of arguments. He has a temper. I generally don't but have occasionally got angry too.

Our road to marriage was a long one and the truth is, in many ways I need him. I have a history of anxiety and depression and I had a tough time being alone. I've seen counsellors and have tried to get a handle on all of this. It isn't as bad now as it was when I was alone.

I know none of you can tell me what to do based on one posting here. I know it's not that simple but has anyone been in a situation like mine?

Please only reply if you're feeling kind. My head is confused enough already. Please just ignore this if you can't be kind. Thanks.

What are you asking, OP? What kind of advice do you want?

Thanks for asking ....

I am just very confused and I'm terrified of leaving my DH. I'm afraid it'll be the biggest mistake of my life. I've read the books recommended on another thread here about ambivalence, I've tried MC with him, I've tried talking to him and often we get on fine. Is it wrong that I want to just fancy my H? I am protective of him and I love him but I'm not in love him and I often don't respect his decisions. Are these good enough reasons to leave?

I'm sorry if I'm not clear enough. I suppose I'd just love to hear if others have been in this situation and what they did.

OP, I’m not sure what the is for.

You seem to be saying that, after a year of marriage, you argue a lot, and find his black and white way of looking at the world difficult, that you sometimes get on well but don’t fancy him, don’t respect his decisions, feel protective of him, and love him, but are not ‘in love’ with him BUT also that you ‘need’ him, because you have anxiety and depression, which was worse before you married.

You don’t need him economically, so what is it about him that you need? What is in this relationship for you?

Sorry, misread your as ! My mistake!

Every marriage has it’s ups a downs. You need to communicate better and go to relationship counselling. Divorcing in this situation after just a year is ridiculous.

I think lots of people who get married after being together for a long time hit this road

I always sometimes the choice ends up being getting married or separating.

You’re allowed to care deeply about someone and not want to spend your romantic life with them.

If you feel that you’ve exhausted all the talking that you can do to resolve both your unhappiness then where do you think you can go next? Can you live like this? What do you want to change?
Do you want children?

There is a book called to good to leave, to bad to stay (or something like that) which is really worth reading in this type of circumstances

Also look up the sunk cost fallacy.

Thanks for your responses ...

where do you think you can go next?
That's the thing...everything is on hold.
Can you live like this?
No...I haven't been happy. It's a really sub-par feeling a lot of the time.

What do you want to change?
That's the problem. I'd love to just be happy doing what everyone else is doing (houses, kids etc) but I just can't be sure I want that with DH and yes, I know, it'd be great if this all hit me before marrying but I was in a different frame of mind then.

Do you want children?
Yes. I love children & I realise, given my age, if I leave DH, I may never have them. So, do I take a massive leap in to the unknown and leave DH or do I stick with it and try to have children with a man I'm not excited about having children with?

Someone asked what I need him for. I'm a very sensitive, emotional person and I find I need someone to talk to at the end of the day. We also have a pet together who I love like a child (but is technically his).

I read that book, Too Good to Leave... and according to it, I should leave ... but I'm married and so I feel it'd be hasty to leave after one year of marriage...

I appreciate your responses. I don't want to spend another year in this ambivalence.

What is in this relationship for you?

I'm going to try to reflect on this going in to the new year...I feel I've made a mistake in marrying him & I'm not sure how to proceed with dignity in tact. That's the crux of it all.

He offers me security, being married, the usual favours etc but also, so so much stress...

I think you might be worrying too much about keeping your dignity intact. Who is going to judge you? If leaving is the right thing to do for you then your dignity remains intact as far as I see it!