Friend and her boyfriend

[Sammiejo12]

Hi MN

Long time lurker... but I’m bit stuck as what to think about this.

Right, a close friend of mine lives next door, we have been friends for years. She was in a long term relationship that ended a year ago, but she’s since met someone else who put it bluntly I don’t think is good enough.

She does everything, works full time, looks after the house, does all the food shop and the cooking. He lost his job a month or so ago and literally just slobbed about, he did find another one and it’s in its early days but he’s not changed his attitude.

I know I shouldn’t have an opinion but she comes to me in tears every so often about how useless he is and how he wishes she hadn’t asked him to move in so soon. Then the next day once she’s had a cry to me she’s back being all lovey towards him.... I find it very difficult to even look at him.

A couple months ago, at my birthday meal after a few drinks we came out with “I know you don’t like me”.

It’s nkt that I don’t like him, he’s just not good enough. He ended up saying he’s going to take my friend away from me and that I should get used to it.

Since then it’s been tough, I hardly ever see her any more, don’t get to go anywhere with her because he’s now taken my place, we were gym buddies now he goes instead. The atmosphere between us is great when we’re on our own but when he’s around it’s quite odd.

I’ve distanced myself from the pair of them but I feel I’ve lost my friend over a boy. I spend a lot of time on my own now and although I have other friends they’re either pregnant or have young kids so are very busy with their own lives.

Just wondering if anyone else has any advice or experience on similar matters?

I’ve seen it. In real life and on the threads around here. Where, and I have to say, mostly men dominate and become abusive towards their partners. Whether it’s a self worth issue or some other long standing trauma they seem completely unable to escape the relationship.

Of course both friends and family noice and get deeply troubled by it. They try to say something, try to intervene and then the guy twists and manipulates the poor girl to shun and detach from her family and friends.

I’ve said this before but I knew a girl in that position. She was confident and funny and I absolutely adored her. Her boyfriend was a nasty bit of work. Aside from the abusive behaviour and even sexual assault he also cheated on her often. She’d often come to me in tears and miserable. That girl ended up a shadow of her former self. No confidence. No self worth. And utterly enthralled to him.

Of course the more people who tried to tell her to go the more he spun his web and the more she dug her heels in. Terrible to see. All I can suggest is make it clear your there for her and support her when she needs it. And hope that she gains the strength and confidence to leave him. It’s heart breaking.

Try to keep your friend close. Don't indulge in slagging him off when she's upset about him, as she'll feel conflicted about that when she bounces back to him the next day.

She'll need a friend when the inevitable shit really his the fan. Until then tey to keep her close and him at whatever difference you can manage without pushing her away. Dickhead that he is.

I had a falling out with my childhood friend over the fact she kept going back to a guy who was crap. However. I sat and realised one day he's going to royally fuck her over, or she'll wake up and realise she can do better, and when either of those happen - I want her to be able to come to me and vent or ask advice, or go out to take her mind off it. I don't want her feeling as if she had lost a friend and a boyfriend. It's hard, but you almost need to grit your teeth and look at the bigger picture, she'll thank you down the line. Mine did.

Yeah you’re right, it’s just I’ve been made to feel like I’ve done something wrong because I don’t “approve” or I’m the only one who has actually said anything. Everyone else has just left her to it.

I dunno I just think my friend is worth more than what she’s settled for. But it’s ultimately up to her isn’t it 😔

I agree with subspace.