Weird situation with FWB

[Lunafeline]

Hi everyone,

This is my 1st post and I hope you can help me gain some clarification as to what may be happening here. Sorry this may be a bit of a long back story.

I met a younger man on POF mid November, I'm 37 and he is 25. He pursued me and at first I laughed off his advances due to the age gap. He is really sweet and wasn't too pushy, just made it clear that he really liked me and he was available if I would like to meet up.
One night I threw caution to the wind and arranged to meet up for a drink, we had such a laugh and it was made clear on both sides that this would just be a bit of fun. I took him home that night and we had even more fun and when I said goodbye the next morning I really thought that was it.
He messaged me the next day and said he really wanted to see me again, I said I was free the next day and he came over. Again great fun and we both agreed to keep going with a bit of light hearted fun. Since then we were in contact everyday - only a couple of messages back and forth at the end of the day as we both work silly hours, just the hey! how has your day been?, can't wait for next meet up, etc. One night he came over and I was feeling down, he was so sweet and gave me a massage, which lead to the most intense sex ever. We had a laugh and went to sleep, but he was really cuddly and loving, which I raised an eyebrow at but didn't say anything.
However, a couple of weeks ago he stood me up one night when he was meant to come over. I was annoyed as I could have made other plans if he'd had the decency to message and say he couldn't make it. I sent a message telling him that I didn't think we should see each other anymore but no hard feelings and all the best. The next day he messaged and said his phone was broken (he was telling the truth here) and he was messaging me from his friends phone (which he could have done that night too lol) telling me he was sorry and it was good while it lasted.
2 weeks go by and on xmas day I'm going through my messages sending the generic merry xmas message and sent him the same one as no hard feelings. He messaged back a couple of hours later asking how I was, just general chit chat, he then tells me he's missed me, I'd missed him too (the sex was hot!) we start flirting and he comes over straight from work.
The next day he messaged me gushing about how he likes me too much and no woman has ever made him feel the way I do (I'm not daft, he's probably said this a thousand times to other women) He was probably drunk as it was Boxing day.
What is puzzling me is now his messages are very brief, still friendly but something has changed? I asked him if he was seeing another girl and approached it in a way that let him know I wasn't going to flip as we were not exclusive, but he said he hasn't even kissed anyone else in those 2 weeks we didn't see each other.
So if he isn't seeing another girl, I've made no attempt to push for anything more than what we've been doing, why is he being quiet?
I'm aware I may be reading too much into this and it may be nothing, but just hoping maybe someone can offer an a different perspective.

If you've managed reading this far, thank you lol. Sorry for being long winded but trying not to drip feed.

You’ve got feelings.

Diagnosed.

Yeah I admit I do like him a lot but I’m under no illusions about it getting serious between us. If I start liking him more than I’m comfortable with, then I’ll be honest and I will have to end it. Thinking about it now, I haven’t actually said that to him though, so maybe that could be why he’s gone a bit quiet?

I suspect the fact that you’re more involved than you originally envisaged has become obvious through your interaction, and he’s pulling back and keeping his communications brief. Even the fact that you asked him if he’d been seeing someone else suggests engagement.

The mindset you have to have with FWB is that you need to be able to be having the sex and not getting embroiled in why hasn't he/she messaged back etc.

FWB rarely works as someone usually ends up catching feelings and the other person might not feel the same.

I have had a FWB for around a year. I am not in the right mindset for a relationship, he knows I don't want one either. So we keep communicating about how we feel, at different points he's caught feelings and so have I but we've just reined it in and cooled it for awhile.

After a woman has sex her feelings can be intensified, due to the hormone oxytocin.... It can make you feel a bit crazy and unhinged. Give it a couple of weeks and see if you feel any different.

On contrast, pre sex men are driven by the desire to get a woman, it drives them completely wild and then post sex... They suddenly have this clarity of thought and quite often they can pull back and seem distant.

I think FWB can work well as long as you communicate properly, I also think you have to accept that there is a chance the other person might be seeing someone else too, you can't really have any say in that because you're not exclusive. Sorry if that sounds blunt, it's just reality..... 🙂

Hes said he likes you too. Why don't you ask if he'd like to see each other and that you'd like to take things slowly, tell him you like him but don't make it too heavy. Sounds like you both like each other.

You’ve developed feelings for him. FWB doesn’t work this way so better you take a step back as he clearly has boundaries apart from random drunk messaging which people seem to do a lot and before you get really hurt. Good luck OP.

Wow..quite a bit has happened in the early hours and I'm not sure what to make of it all. Firstly, thank you for your replies as it's given me something to think about.
He messaged me not long after my first post saying how he was desperate to see me, I said no, wait until tomorrow like we'd arranged. I'm recovering from a bad cold and the cough is keeping me awake into the early hours.
About 20 mins later he turns up on my doorstep wanting to stay the night, again I said no, in between a lot of kissing and him telling me 'you're my girl' I just said I need to go back to bed and I'll see you tomorrow.
It felt exciting but I'm a little annoyed he ignored me saying no to him coming over. He wasn't being aggressive or trying to force his way through the door, but it still annoyed me a little bit.
@Moonstoned - I was thinking along the same lines as you but I forgot to say in my original post that he has asked if I've been seeing anyone else too. Don't think that changes anything really but thank you for your advice :)
@Vixensixen - I think I will do what you have suggested in cooling of for a couple of weeks, I know that I don't want anything more than what is happening now as I have just been talking to a good friend of mine about it this morning. She asked me what I would do if he wanted to get into a serious relationship, I said I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I really like him, but I can't see a future together in that sense at all. He's fine with the age gap whereas I'm not.

Thank you all for your advice, it's really making me think about what is it I actually want. I'm happy being single, but I miss the company of a man sometimes. But then I don't want to be with someone full time, I like my own space and certainly don't want to be in contact with someone all the time ( my ex constantly bombarded me with messages and I found it really stressful)
Bloody hell, I'm hard work aren't I? lol

There's a well worn pattern to these arrangements. Both start off being equally keen - the man usually in hot pursuit. Woman feels amazing and the sex is incredible. She starts to get feelings, man panics and backs off but doesn't end it. Man pops up as and when he needs sex or an ego boost. Woman is hooked and can't say no. Woman ends up confused, hurt and posting on forums like this. Been there myself. Be careful. You already have feelings or you wouldn't be asking the questions.

Thank you tootruetoyou, I think I need to have a talk to him tonight when he comes round. I managed to say no last night even though I really did want to let him in as I have a very high sex drive lol. I may even stop him from staying the night as it's started to feel too intimate, maybe that's why the feelings are starting.
I'm just enjoying the fun so I don't want it to end yet, I've always been in long term relationships and this is the first time I've really enjoyed my freedom.

Just be careful. It's so easy to end up feeling used and hurt in these arrangements. You're in too deep before you even realise and you can end up on an emotional rollercoaster which will exhaust and deplete you whilst he casually comes and goes.

Thank you tootrue I will, he's not a bad guy so I would prefer this to end on a good note when I eventually have to say goodbye. I'd like to keep the good memories :)

@tootruetoyou you described my fwb relationship perfectly! I ended it about six months after it started as I had feelings and although I didn't want a proper relationship the fwb situation was getting me down. My FWB also had feelings but didn't want a proper relationship due to me having young children. I walked away.