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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH stormed out, I want him to stay away, but it would be so easy to take him back

23 replies

BookWitch · 29/12/2018 23:37

I recently moved back to the UK, DH still working abroad for now, but he is home for Xmas and January still he starts his new contract beginning Feb.

He is a functioning alcoholic but was in rehab in August, but started drinking again. He is drinking less than he was though.
He is on the autistic spectrum, probably Aspergers, and sees a counselor.

He is a grumpy, moody fucker and I can't do anything right. He is opinionated, bigoted and so belligerent.

We lost his mum and my dad within weeks of each other last year. He is estranged from his sister and his aunt. His dad died years ago.

Today we (me, H, 3 DDs and dog) in car to go to my mums to see my sister and family. He doesn't like my sister since she once called him out on his shitty behaviour. H and DD20 have a few words in the car (about a scientific fact - she is mid way through a degree on the subject, he can't bear that she knows better than him) He made me stop the car, and he got out, we have not seen him since, except for a text saying he is 'done'. He says me and the DC (and my mum!) leave him out of things (we do things without him because he chooses to go to the pub on his own)

I don't want him to come back. But can't bear the upheaval and stress of a split. We have been married for 26 years.
I know long term it would be OK, but if he comes back tonight, it would be so easy to just brush it all under the carpet and pretend today didn't happen. (as we have done before)

I am meant to be cooking for 10 tomorrow (inc my sister's family). I refuse to let his bloody tantrum stop me from seeing my family. Previously I would have made an excuse and cancelled.

I hate him right now, but I am so likely to just carry on.
Help me be strong.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 23:45

Oh, come on you know it makes sense! He's alcholic, moody, grumpy, belligerent...
It can be inconvenient to split up, but it's going to happen sooner or later unless you want to get to 70 and he's still there, making your life a misery.

whiteworld · 29/12/2018 23:45

You have listed so many things in your post that are all negatives about your ex. Why would you go back to him? He sounds awful. Your whole family would be happier without him.

It’s not up to you to change him or control him.

Leave him. You would all be much happier.

Fantasisa · 29/12/2018 23:48

If he is working abroad, would it be straightforward and split and just get him to stay there?

Original poster

BookWitch · 29/12/2018 23:57

Thanks for your replies.
I do feel like I hate him tonight. I know he has issues, I know alcoholism is a disease, and his Aspergers affects him, but he is so utterly selfish.

I would worry about money. We are technically well orr, we own one house (outright, that I live in - joint names) and we have another mortgaged house with a lot of equity that has a tenant in. But he is such a horrible bastard he would just make things really difficult. I am not working as I have only been back a few months, I am a teacher and didn't work for a long time when we first went overseas - he wanted to live the expat dream)
I would need to support DD20 at uni (he wouldn't pay for her and he can't be made to as she is 20 and an adult) and DD17 is at private school whose fees I can't afford on my own.
If he cut the money off tomorrow, I could live day to day but couldn't afford to pay the DDs fees.

OP posts:

Original poster

BookWitch · 29/12/2018 23:57

I want him to come back and get his stuff and fuck back off abroad.

OP posts:

Letsmove1t · 30/12/2018 00:02

I hope you continued & visited your family. Don’t back down, he will likely wander back in, if he does can you carry on as per until he leaves to go abroad for work & then gather yourself , see solicitor, get everything organised to split? Meanwhile get to supermarket & cook your best meal for tomorrow- hopefully DH will be so p**d off you’ve not sent a search party out for him, he will pass out early evening & you can bundle him into bed & you carry on partying. Not ideal but allows you to carry on & plan ahead

Original poster

BookWitch · 30/12/2018 00:28

Letsmove - we did!
I am done this time and will no longer make excuses for his behaviour. My sister has been fantastic as have my DDs.
I'm a bit jumpy tonight and don't think I will sleep much, and I might take the lovely leg of lamb I've got in over to my mum's to cook (Because I know he will absolutely not turn up there and make a scene)

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 30/12/2018 09:34

Sounds like a plan Book. And why don't you talk to the dd's and see what they think? If you can't afford the fees, it would just mean the fees don't get paid up front.

SylvanianFrenemies · 30/12/2018 09:44

"He is such a horrible bastard" - don't forget this, you can't be married to him.

How long does your DD have at school? I imagine the school would be a bit flexible. You could take out a small loan against one of your properties if you get really stuck.

Get support from your family, and legal advice. It's ok to give the impression of sweeping things under the carpet, and just avoid him, while you get your ducks in a row.

Original poster

BookWitch · 30/12/2018 11:36

Thanks all.
Nothing from him this morning, but he has been online.

Long talk with all three DDs, they are naturally upset, but they all dislike his behaviour. DD1 (24) is working tomorrow and will have to leave today (she lives 200 miles away).
The four of us are being strong though. I am also chatting to my sister and best friend, who are being amazing.

I am taking my leg of lamb over to mums to cook in a bit.
If we get back later and he has picked up his stuff and fucked off I'd be ecstatic. If he is here and contrite, I will ask him to go while he sorts himslef out. My friend has rightly said it is not my job to fix him and I am done. If he is here and ranting and raging, I will call the police and get him thrown out.

OP posts:

Original poster

BookWitch · 30/12/2018 11:38

DDs fees are paid for next term. There are four more terms to pay until she does her A-levels.

If he starts messing me about with cash, I have a fuck load of his valuable collectors stuff here that can be on ebay very quickly.

OP posts:

EggysMom · 30/12/2018 11:40

I don't want him to come back. But can't bear the upheaval and stress of a split

The upheaval and stress of a split only happens the once. Then you move on, your life improves, and you come out from the clouds.

Taking him back means repeated stress, repeated disappointment.

Make the sensible choice for you, not for him.

PotteringAlong · 30/12/2018 11:40

At 4 terms of fees could you get a credit card now whilst financially rosy and then bung them on that if needed.

(I get this might not be a financially sensible suggestion).

Bluesmartiesarebest · 30/12/2018 12:40

If you can’t afford school fees, is there a local sixth form or college that does the same courses that DD is studying? Are your parents in a position to help you financially until you get a job?

Bluesmartiesarebest · 30/12/2018 12:45

Apologies @BookWitch, I saw that it’s just your mum.

Original poster

BookWitch · 30/12/2018 13:30

Re the fees, the spring term is paid. Hopefully by April I'll have things sorted.
If not she can transfer to a local college. It was dh who wanted the private school he'll have to cough then

OP posts:

Original poster

BookWitch · 30/12/2018 22:43

So he's been in touch and wants to collect his stuff. He's now playing games claiming he has no keys, wants me to pack stuff and other nonsense.
I'm staying at mums tonight and he is messaging me long messages about how awful I am and how I never listen to him. I literally listen to him rant on for hours about how he hates his job, his sister and everything else

OP posts:

Original poster

BookWitch · 30/12/2018 22:44

I'm just exhausted

OP posts:

GertrudeCB · 30/12/2018 22:55

Turn your phone off. Try to get some rest tonight.

GreenTulips · 30/12/2018 23:01

Ignore the phone

Let him rant

This actually drives them bonkers (being ignored) their needs have to be met that instant

Switch off and have a breakfast room his crap

Original poster

BookWitch · 31/12/2018 16:26

Update from me: I think you’ll all be disappointed with me but he asked me to go an talk to him this morning which I did and he was a complete mess. He did say sorry for the things he said to me yesterday, and he said last night thinking of throwing himself off the motorway bridge (suicide spot) I wanted to take him to A&E if he was suicidal but he wouldn’t go. I took him home and we’re home now. He won’t stop drinking but I couldn’t walk away with him in that state. Were ok for the moment. He just says he’s really tired and will go to bed. He hasn’t drunk anything today. I’m taking the Xmas decs down and cleaning my house so it’s nice and tidy for New Year’s Day. We’ll see what the next few days brings. I have changed my mindset though, I will no longer make excuses for him and won’t stand for shit.

OP posts:

BitOfANameChange · 31/12/2018 16:51

OP, This may sound a little harsh. But if he wants to kill himself, that's not on you, it's not your responsibility to fix. My ex used this threat to try and get me to come back. Significantly, he hasn't tried it in while as he knows it's doesn't get him what he wants.

So, you're with him now, but please don't stay. I really don't believe he'll change, he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

milicentbystander75 · 31/12/2018 17:09

Oh OP. What a few days you've had.

I know it's easy to type advice when you're not in a situation, but I agree with the PP.

In all honesty, in your shoes I would have taken him home too if he was in such a state. However, this will not change. He's sorry and repentant now but in a few months similar will happen again and you'll be walking on egg shells again. I guarantee it.

Are you just gritting your teeth until he goes back abroad?

I think (being perfectly honest) is do similar. However when he's safely away from you I would arrange to see a solicitor and see where you stand financially. Go slowly and quietly. You'll be surprised how it is possible to untangle yourself from him.

I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

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