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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fiancé doesn’t love me

24 replies

Lilmissg · 29/12/2018 23:12

Hi.. I need advice
Been with my OH for 7 years, engaged last March, destination wedding booked for next sept & have a 3 yr old DS. He has been working away & home every other weekend most of this year. 5 weeks ago he came home & said he doesn’t love me anymore but did want to make it work & didn’t want to cancel the wedding just yet. He got a new job at home to start next week but left me finish his work away up to Xmas. So I was in limbo fir 4 weeks. First 2 weeks were hell, the first weekend he came home he stayed an extra few days & we went away for a night, it was awkward at start but we did have a good time. But the rest of that weekend was like there was a wall up & all focus was on our DS. I hung in till he came home for Xmas listening as he said he would make an effort. It’s been over a week now and he has made no effort. I hadn’t told my family anything to try & have a normal Xmas for our DS. On boxing night he went to his brothers for dinner & didn’t come home till the next day. This really obvs pissed me off, yday I told him I think he should leave for a few days and sort his head out which he was surprised at but has gone. I have been a total mess the 4 weeks up to Xmas, and this week, felt like I was in a dream over Xmas. When we were around his or my family he was nice to me but then as soon as it was just us then it was like a wall was up.
He was (before he left) continuing to say he wants to try but he has shown no actions to this in the last week he has been home. He’s going around in circles saying he doesn’t have the feelings so can’t try.. and I’m like how are we supposed to get feelings back if he can’t try!
Right now I feel broken & want him back, I haven’t been able to sleep, eat or concentrate on anything for weeks but I felt like I couldn’t go on how he was ignoring me in our home so hoping he will sort his head out & decide that he wants to make an effort.
Any advice ?
I do not want to raise my DS in a broken family. But I also need him to love me & do think we can make it work if he wants to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilmissg · 29/12/2018 23:17

Ps. He has said there is no one else & I do believe him but haven’t checked phone etc

OP posts:

Refilona · 29/12/2018 23:20

I’m sorry but I think it’s time to go separate ways. I admire your ability to not make a scene when he was nice to you in front of family but indifferent when alone. I’d have made a family announcement. Staying out overnight on Boxing Day is a massive lack of respect too. You deserve better.

Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 23:21

It isn't going to help if you mope and cry and pester him about counselling. It's good that you told him to leave. There's nothing more unattractive than a partner who is prepared to be walked over. You need to toughen up, put your face on and show him what he's going to lose

madmum5811 · 29/12/2018 23:22

So sorry but the relationship is over, cancel any wedding plans and work out the finance side of things amicably.

Melroses · 29/12/2018 23:27

You deserve better. You did the right thing telling him to go. You need to tell your family.

Goodness knows what has been going on. But this is not the way to start a marriage. You can't live the rest of your life this way.

Justgorgeous · 29/12/2018 23:29

In my experience I would say he was seeing someone else. Move on and don’t look back. Best of luck, you deserve more xxx

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 29/12/2018 23:29

No you can’t make that work. I’m sorry.

Loka123 · 30/12/2018 00:15

I think "feelings" are just like life. Once it's gone it's gone and it can happen at any time e.g. 2 years or 20 years, just like a person can die at any age. Also, it can happen slowly over time or suddenly and also because of a reason or for no apparent clear reason at all (just like life and death again) - sorry to make it sound miserable but you can probably see it from other threads on here, how fickle and fleeting feelings can eventually end up being but don't blame yourself. If you've done all you can to save things and he can't be bothered, that's on him and not you.

Loka123 · 30/12/2018 00:16

I know you said you think there's no one else involved but can you be certain he truly stayed at his brother's place all night on boxing day?

Musti · 30/12/2018 00:59

I'm guessing that he's met someone whilst he's been working away.

puddled2 · 30/12/2018 01:06

Wise words loka

SandyY2K · 30/12/2018 01:43

He's not in love with you anymore...so I'd see it as being over.

He'll not respect you for putting up with it.

I'd actually tell him if you don't see any change by X date, you'll be cancelling the wedding.

It would be foolish to marry him as things stand.

SanitysSake · 30/12/2018 03:24

Cancel that wedding and walk on with dignity babe....

You're not there to sit around waiting for him to make his mind up and commit.

Seriously x

Xocaraic · 30/12/2018 03:41

I am sorry this is happening to you and your son. You need emotional support in real life. Please, speak to those you trust to guide you in your decision for you and your son.
Family/Friends can often come up with amazing support both practical and emotional. You now need to circle the wagons and get everything set up as you need it.
Keep your head high. He doesn't love you but you must love yourself enough to move forward. It won't be easy, at least at the beginning but you can do this!

Angrybird345 · 30/12/2018 07:39

It’s not going to change. And if it’s a destination wedding, you need to tell people before they book flights etc.

Original poster

Lilmissg · 30/12/2018 07:50

Thanks for the suppprt everyone& taking the time to read & respond.
He has messaged to say he is coming today to talk. He’s taking our DS to a party this AM then I have panto booked this afternoon so I am going to ask that he comes back when he is in bed then & my mum will come to the panto with me.
I am pretty sure there is no one else & I am certain he stayed in his brothers on boxing night. Although from reading other posts in here I may be really naive!
I had thought I decided that I knew the issues, him working away, lack of communication between us when he was away, we haven’t been spending time together the days he was home, all focus was on his son. So that if he did want to try then I feel like we could fix it together, obviously it wouldn’t be easy but worth trying at.
I did tell my family yday, I think my parents are in shock still, they are giving me space as I have told them I want it to work but I do know they will be there for me no matter what. Which is a good job as someone in his family had spread the news to his/our friends! Well his friends cuz no one has reached out to me.
But I literally feel like I can’t live without him, I do not know how I can live in this house (I own it not him, mortgaged with my brother) both emotionally as it’s our home & financially. I do not know how I can face anyone if it’s totally over & the wedding is cancelled, work, friends or my extended family. The wedding is my dream & I will have lost that forever as it’s a destination wedding with so many people looking forward to coming, I will never get that back.
I’m almost 34 & want nothing more than a family, more children, which I also feel like I won’t get either.
That’s why I feel I can’t walk away without trying, IF he is even willing to try, I hate how I have been hanging for 5 weeks so if he comes & says he wants to try I will need to see big effort from his side.
I will try & pull it together really struggling to find that strength somewhere after all the falseness over Xmas

OP posts:

Melroses · 30/12/2018 16:48

Good luck

Prepare yourself for there being someone else in the background though. I have seen this happen so many times - even when there was definitely no one else involved . It sounds like he checked out a long time ago if all his friends are in the know. .

Please don't get hung up on the destination wedding - it is a holiday and you will have other, much better holidays. You don't want to ruin it by getting married to someone who doesn't want you.

MarieG10 · 30/12/2018 16:54

So he doesn't love you but wants to make it work. Why on earth would you want that (or why would he for that matter). Either there is another woman and he is hedging his bets, or he really has lost feeling for you and you both need to end it as that is no way to bring up children. And for gods sake cancel the wedding anyway as even if you sort this out, getting married 8 months after isn't great

stayathomer · 30/12/2018 16:58

I do not want to raise my DS in a broken family

Families are only broken when they're not working. A single mother and child is not a broken family. You cannot live with someone who doesn't love you. It's that simple. I'm so so sorry but you deserve to be in a home full of love and if it's just you and ds then it will be And talk to your family for help and support.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2018 16:59

I think once someone says they don't love you anymore it's over. It's really hard to get that back, he is just scared to articulate it and make the break. But dragging it out i doubt is much better.

I'd also assume there is someone else, if there was nothing obviously wrong. She will appear a few weeks or months down the line

I'm sorry, take control. Don't sit waiting for him to end it like this.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 30/12/2018 17:02

You say he has been working away and that he is due to start a new job next week. This is obviously the catalyst for all of this. There is either another woman or he wants to check out of family life to continue living the single life he is used to. I am so sorry. Tell him it is over for you and he will eventually come crawling back. Beg and plead him to stay or act like a doormat and he will walk away without a second glance.

Starlight456 · 30/12/2018 17:06

The wedding is not your worry.

If he says he doesn’t love you after this time it isn’t going to happen.

The wedding should be cancelled regardless . Even if you were to get back together you would be crazy to make vows to be certain till death do you part.

Doobee · 30/12/2018 17:07

Get the wedding cancelled so that you and the other guests can get your money back. Take the bull by the horns. Cancel it and then tell him the weddings off. Start playing hard ball. He isn’t interested and has probably mucked around while living away. There may not be another woman but my bets are that he’s slept with or dated somebody else while you’ve been at home doing all the childcare. You deserve better.

TheBigBangRocks · 30/12/2018 18:40

The wedding is my dream & I will have lost that forever as it’s a destination wedding with so many people looking forward to coming, I will never get that back

Marriage is so much more than the wedding day. Surely you don't want to go ahead just to get your big day? Makes a mockery of the vows being taken. Not to mention a marriage without love is unlikely to last.

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