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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Women and signals

14 replies

Nessabban · 29/12/2018 22:06

Hi,I am realized that I have an anxiety issue,I seem to panic if I go to a pub/bar on my own.I have had this for a long time but realise that I need to relax more.I ain't young anymore (49),but I can't seem to get anyone to talk to.

Should I just go up to women and talk to them because I usually look for signals,I.e looking at me but it doesn't seem to happen to me and wonder if it is due to losing weight,I.e.6 stone,I have a 30 inch waist and is 5'11.Maybe I look older than I am.I usually go to the gym regularly at least 4 times a week.

I also a bit rusty as I haven't had a relationship for 10yrs so totally lost it..

Any help is much appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
Nessabban · 29/12/2018 22:09

Hi,I also look up horoscopes regularly. AM I losing the plot?...

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 29/12/2018 22:42

Are you male or female?

Nessabban · 30/12/2018 01:13

Male

OP posts:
pallasathena · 30/12/2018 08:21

You sound very anxious and a bit depressed OP. Have you thought about accessing some counselling to help with these issues?
You also sound like an intelligent, sensitive person who would benefit from joining a group or society like the ramblers or maybe a book club, evening class; something that would get you out and about in a more purposeful way rather than just hanging about in pubs.
This would help you to build up confidence and in time, to make friends. Romantic relationships often blossom out of this type of group activity. Check out 'Meet Up', in your area. Lots going on with them.

NotTheFordType · 30/12/2018 08:44

I agree with Pallas that some kind of structured activity would probably be more useful.

I have to say if I'm out with friends or on my own in a pub I get really annoyed if someone tries to chat me up. If I wanted a date or a hookup I would either be on a dating app, or I'd be approaching you.

Do you have male friends who might be able to introduce you to their partners' single friends?

jessstan2 · 30/12/2018 08:49

Looking up horoscopes would put me off.

What other people have said about evening classes, joining a group with a common interest, are good ideas.

You could go to a pub once a week, regularly, to have something to eat and sit quietly reading a book or newspaper. You'd look intriguing and eventually people would start to talk to you.

Good luck.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/12/2018 08:57

Should I just go up to women and talk to them

No. No, no and a thousand times no. Please don't. For your sake, for theirs, for the universe in general. This will not go well and you will end up feeling sad and rejected, as well as having annoyed a lot of women.

I'm going to chime in with all the others telling you to join a club or activity. Pick something you genuinely enjoy and would be interested in - don't think "which will have the most women?" and end up just there to shark.

donkeylegs · 30/12/2018 09:15

dont go up to random women. Would you go up to random blokes in the pub to start a friendship?

try online dating but first get some proper medical help for your anxiety, go see your gp.
as for horoscope, some women are into it.

DrMorbius · 30/12/2018 09:53

Hey @NotTheFordType - You generally post good stuff, but you do realise that this I have to say if I'm out with friends or on my own in a pub I get really annoyed if someone tries to chat me up. If I wanted a date or a hookup I would either be on a dating app, or I'd be approaching you is bonkers. Right?

The "standard" social norm is for a man to approach a woman (hopefully this is changing). There are loads of posts on here by woman who expect the man to approach them or asking if it is OK for women to make the first move. How are we (men) supposed to know what we are supposed to do I am glad I am out of the dating scene

That said, Op I would hold off going up to random women in a pub.

subspace · 30/12/2018 12:30

@DrMorbius

Hey @NotTheFordType - You generally post good stuff, but you do realise that this "I have to say if I'm out with friends or on my own in a pub I get really annoyed if someone tries to chat me up. If I wanted a date or a hookup I would either be on a dating app, or I'd be approaching you is bonkers. Right?

The "standard" social norm is for a man to approach a woman... How are we (men) supposed to know what we are supposed to do I am glad I am out of the dating scene

That said, Op I would hold off going up to random women in a pub

Men are supposed to know when to chat up a woman the same way they always have done - by not being a creepy, entitled fucker, and by understanding and reading some pretty basic social cues like body language, eye contact and, yes, including but not limited to if she actually shock horror approaches you to have a conversation.

If she's deep in conversation with her friends and hasn't noticed you, don't try to chat her up.

If she smiled vaguely in your direction once while scanning the room, don't take that to mean it's open season.

If she's sat alone reading a book, she doesn't want to be approached by some strange man by himself.

If she's at a walking group and another member of the group makes polite conversation with her, of course that's okay.

If she's at a book club, by all means talk to her about the book and see if the conversation flows. If it does, invite her to continue it over a coffee.

The fact that you've said your last sentence does indicate that you're not really as clueless/indignant at @NotTheFordType's points as you first seemed! Hope the OP is similar. OP focus on making friends first, male and female. It's important both for you in general and for your success dating. Loneliness and desparation isn't attractive x

NotTheFordType · 30/12/2018 14:12

You're free to think I'm bonkers @DrMorbius - I'm sure many would agree! It doesn't really matter because I'm certaintly not going to start pretending to be thrilled when approached by a random when I'm just trying to chat with friends or work quietly on my laptop.

Like I said - if I want a date or a ONS, I'll go find it myself.

Although I should clarify - I'm not rude to men who do approach, just make it clear I'm not interested. If they can't take a fucking hint and start with the "Oh whassa matter doll, loosen up, I just wanna chat" then they get their arse handed to them.

NotANotMan · 30/12/2018 14:16

Don't go and speak to women in the pub. That might be normal in movies but in real life they will probably be on their first night out in weeks, have paid a babysitter and be having a long awaited catch up with their friends.
If you want to date then go online. It's the way it's done these days.

ChocOrCheese · 30/12/2018 16:07

Does your gym have a coffee shop you could hang out in after you train? Or are you a regular at a particular pub? If you go to places regularly then you will start to get the vibe of the particular place, and you may well keep seeing the same person, and eventually get to a stage where a conversation is struck up. No harm in you doing the striking up but if you are some random stranger who nobody has ever seen before then I cannot imagine you starting a conversation with a woman on her own will be a good idea at all. Otherwise try online dating, or singles groups. or groups doing activities that interest you. Personally I think you are best off with the last option I have suggested - if the activity interests you and you find someone who seems nice then at least you automatically have one interest in common. And since you go to the gym, why not start there? Not actually in the gym, obviously, as nobody wants to be hit on in the middle of a workout, but make the most of any social scene your gym might offer. If there isn't one, then maybe seek out a different gym.

DrMorbius · 31/12/2018 18:04

@NotTheFordType - So you have never been in a bar when a man has walked up to you and you thought DING DONG ?

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