Hi, I don't know where to start really but am feeling miserable and desperate, heart racing, sick feeling in my stomach and a realisation dawning that I might be in an abusive relationship but a really really subtle one. I have no idea how to identify it, and I feel like Im going slightly crazy. Its not overt, he's not hitting me or being controlling in the classic ways, Ive looked up online the identifiers for EA but cant seem to fit this into the most common ones, but I still feel miserable and it feels like its wrong so I think it must be, and if it is, I dont know what to do...
We've been together 10 years, we're not married, we have two children, one 5 years one 9 months old. He hasn't slept in the bedroom for 8 years.... Its become so 'normal' that I dont bother saying anything much anymore because when I do, he just loses it and tells me its my fault. He sleeps on the sofabed. Our son calls the sitting room "dads bedroom", its weird. The baby was conceived through IVF before you wonder, our son was natural but a one hit wonder and not sharing a bed, we were "trying".
This Christmas has been terrible, he's been horrible non-stop, in subtle, niggling ways, its never ending, anything I say to the children, or him, or about anything, I'm either nagging, or Im wrong, or Im being too this, or too that, its endless. As soon as the children are asleep he runs the bath and lies in there for an hour and a half watching stuff on his phone, I walked in one night and he looked sort of panicked like Id caught him doing something. When I came out of hospital with the baby I asked to borrow his ipad as I was up at night breastfeeding and he didn't even bother to close porn pages and when I looked back at the history he has been accessing porn even when I gave birth and after...
Its been a really tough week, its been going on for more than a month this behaviour this time, but he's ramped it up this Christmas. We don't have much family so its just been us, and his sister and her kids on Boxing Day so there hasn't been anything to dilute it either. Im feeling so lonely, and lost, no idea what to do with two kids, no family, no home, and no money, Im retraining at the moment too so can't get a job that will cover costs and kids and living if I do it on my own.
I have cried a couple of times in front of him, in the morning, after Ive had to wake up in the night for the baby, (he never does because he sleeps downstairs). And so I've been tired. He said I was "emotionalising" the situation and that my reaction was "Disproportionate to the situation" and "way out of order", I wasn't hysterical, just suddenly exhausted and overwhelmed by the constant meaness and lack of kindness, and just had tears, a few, I wasn't hyperventilating or anything, just sad, and lonely. He said this in front of our children, and obviously the 5 year old is watching and listening. He comforted me, and said "I love you mummy" but my partner just sort of huffed and walked off and said I was ridiculous.
He does stuff like this all the time, my mum died 8 years ago and the anniversary is just before Christmas, he has forgotten every year for the last 6...its like he does it on purpose, and then when I mention it he gets really angry. He did this this morning, he came in to the bedroom as I called him to take the baby so I could use the bathroom and he accidentally sat really hard on the side of my leg on my knee and it really hurt, when I cried out he just got really angry and lost it, and that then set the tone for the rest of the day...and Im having to walk on eggshells.
There's so much more, like he always talks over me when i try to say something about how hes being, he loves to say im ridiculous, or being ridiculous and that i 'emotionalise' situations (I havent heard someone use this phrase before), and hes always saying Im yelling, when Im definitely not, seems to be a change in tone that he's talking about, and hes constantly saying Im arguing or starting an argument when Im just asking him something, or to do something, or help, its non-stop. I look at the situations and really try and think and I just cant see that I am doing any of these things, I feel like Im going crazy though as he's saying it all the time. Has anyone else had experience of this, sometimes I wonder if hes autistic because he can literally just look at me if Im upset (pregancny hormones, when I nearly lost the baby, when I had an ectopic pregnancy, when my mum died, when my dad died a few years ago), theres no emotion at all, nothing. Then other times its almost like Im being put in the position of being a mum too a difficult sulking teenager, he wont take responsibility for anything. And definitely not the way he treats me, he says im making it up. Every now and again he will be 'nice' and give me a card and presents and say how much he appreciates me, but its usually after a long bout of this current behaviour... This year when we were on holiday he gave me an engagement ring, on our 10 year anniversary, drank a bottle of wine, got argumentative and not very nice and sort of touchy and made out Id done something to upset him and then went to bed in a huff on the top bunk of our sons bed. I was like WTF just happened? Please tell me this is not normal!
Has anyone else had this experience? Sorry for the splurge, thanks. xx