Is there a nice way to let someone down?

[Reflexella]

I am a happy single person.

A person in my peripheral life has sent me a message tonight asking me out.

They sent feelers out through friends a few months back. I stated that I wasn’t interested.

I have since been polite but breezy, boundaries in place, giving no indication of interest. I’ve even cooled it with the friendship group to let it blow over.

This person has had a lot of hurt in their life. How is best to answer?

I’ve always been straight up with people when we’ve been dating but I think that might be too much for them right now. Do I employ a white lie?

I have no interest in this person for many reasons so I am not going to go on a date just to see

It's sweet that you want to find the least painful way possible to avoid hurt. A credit to you. I would simply say to him or her no thank you, that you value them as a friend but that's all you want. Or if your not fussed on friendship just simply say no thank you. I wouldn't bother with lies, lies can catch you out and make you look pretty grim in their eyes and others.

The nice thing is to be straight, and not leave them with hope for the future. Don't give excuses, they leave an opening.
They have ignored the previous 'nos and the signals you have already given them, so just say 'no thank you'.

Oh bless, how awkward and sad for them.

"I'm sorry, I value you as a friend, and I don't see you and I in a romantic light."

"I'm sorry I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment."

I think maximum carnage is right just tell the truth gently. It will hurt more if you lie I think, even a white one.

Yes, yes you are right, the clear truth is the only option.

It’s difficult to do as we’ve all been the hopeful asker at some point.

Yes but not twice. The only people I know who have ignored the first 'no' have gone on to be a problem.

Id be cheerful and say whilst I appreciate him asking, unfortunately I'm not looking to date and don't want a relationship at the moment but it's no reflection on him so please don't take offence.

I'm with maximum just be honest but in a kind way.

You are happy on your own and just want to be friends.

Lies are just unnecessary and an insult to the recipient.

I wouldn’t say anything about not wanting a relationship at the moment as all they will hear is “at the moment” and it implies there’s hope for the future.

Subspace gave the perfect response above, about not seeing the person in a romantic light.

I wouldn't add in anything along the lines of "not at the moment" as I get the impression that he may try again in the future if you leave it open like this! Nice and simple, "thankyou for the invitation, I'm flattered, but I see you as a friend, not as a romantic partner" .

They sent feelers out through friends a few months back. I stated that I wasn’t interested

To me this sounds pushy and like they’re not willing to accept no for an answer. They already know you aren’t interested but have still chosen to ask you out and put you in the awkward position of having to say no again. Imo you need to be very clear or this person will persist in pestering you.

Don’t say you’re not looking for a relationship right now - that implies that timing is the only problem. Don’t say it’s not you it’s me. Make it clear that you don’t have romantic feelings towards them and would prefer to remain friends.

Maybe they thought if they left it a while you might have had a change of heart.

I’d keep it light, breezy and to the point: Hi, thanks for your message. I’m not looking for a relationship, so I will respectfully decline. Will no doubt see you around soon, and hope you have a happy new year.

No apologies, or any mention of your feelings about being single being just ‘at the moment’, as that may give him false hope.

Ok have sent a kind, clear, truthful robust message.

Yes, I have backed right away from this person as they became a little creepy for my liking last summer - overstaring (this was all but it was enough)

I guess my need to be kind is that their long term partner died a few years ago.

I think sticking to the truth is the best option. Being kind and maybe not completely straight to the point can often be misinterpreted. Hopefully they will be able to move on with their life now. It sounds like this has been going on for quite a while.

Thanks all for the advice, much appreciated x