2 year old DD suddenly hysterical at being left w STBXH

[ElleEmby]

My STBXH has our DD three days a week and she's normally fine about being dropped off. She was ill over Christmas and in and out of hospital but is 90% better now.

When I handed her over after Christmas she became hysterical and was begging me not to leave her. He called me the next day and I could hear her in the background saying "I want you mummy". I asked if it was okay for me to come and see her but then leaving again was even worse than before, she was gripping onto my leg like a koala as I tried to walk out the door.

My STBXH says that she cried for a long time afterwards and was upset the next morning. He thinks that this is the price you pay for splitting a family and that the answer is a) for us to give it another go or b) me to move nearer to him, neither of which I want to do.

I feel like just driving up there and grabbing her but I realise this is not a sensible solution. I want her to have a good relationship with her dad and I don't want to make him unhappy but it's like a knife in the guts to have your child begging you not to leave them and just walking out the door anyway.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Or have any advice on what I should do?

I’ve been in this situation and had several periods of separation anxiety at various ages. It’s horrible but it does pass.

I’m sure it will pass. I bet the hopitalization has something to do with it. Poor baby it must of been traumatic for her.

I agree I think the hospital visit would have impacted her. Are you able to be present during her visits at the moment it sounds like she needs you and that the recent separation was very traumatic for her.

Also to add that if not sensitively handled it could lead to a long term attachment issue. Right now she really needs her mummy. Big hug to you what a difficult situation, it must have been so hard for you to leave her. Go with your instinct, its about her needs rather than his during this very sensitive time for her.

Thanks so much everyone, feeling very stressed out about it all and is good to hear from you. My instinct is to be around her as much as possible at the moment - will speak to her dad and see if we can do some things together the three of us.

Yes I've been there, and its heartbreaking

children generally gravitate towards their mum when they're not feeling 100% and she's probably also feeling unsettled from the changes of routine from the hospital visits etc.

I personally wouldn't do things together it may send mixed signals and make her more unsettled. When she says daddy she expect mummy to be there too and be anxious if she isn't (If that makes sense).

You know her dad takes care of her and it's good for them to have a relationship.... just give her some extra tlc when she comes home, and settle her back into the normal routine.

Maybe pack a favorite soft toy for her to cuddle at night, and spray it with a tiny bit of your usual perfume as a bit of a comforter.

Hope that helps.

I would try to do stuff the three of you together. Fuck mixed signals. The girl is 2 and if - as it seems - her primary attachment is with you, traumatic separation should be avoided as much as possible (Obviously when kid is ok with drop off, no problem). It is the first 3 years of life, when attachment issues are imprinted for life. Surely, your partner can be reasoned with to alleviate the situation for the next year, without him thinking it will be happy family again.

Doing things together could give her mixed messages.

I also think it was being in hospital that has made her extra clingy for you.

If she's only upset at drop off I'd stick with it. But she is staying upset and unhappy throughout the visit. She's only two - still a baby, and she wants her mum. I'm sorry but I couldn't leave her there.