Revenge affair

[Heartbroken73]

Discovered wifes infidelity 5 months ago, healing process is underway but it's tough. She told me that during the affair she felt "alive". Is it wrong that I want to experience this? I'm considering having an affair myself to find out. Thoughts please thank you.

of course that's wrong. How is this even a genuine question.

Is this for real??? It's obvious, we all feel alive when we start a relationship with a new person. But it fades...

So you want to have an affair to see what she meant by “feeling alive” or to revenge? If it’s the latter what do you really think you will get out of it? And then also what would you do after you get your revenge? Divorce and dump the new woman or continue with her or what?

If it’s to feel alive, then...yes you will feel alive if you find someone who you feel connected with and you like that person enough. But then why have an affair? Just break up and find someone new.

What are you trying to get out of this? Having an affair is a terrible thing to do on so many levels, you will end up hurting everyone involved included yourself. This is coming from someone who had an affair, felt alive, and felt broken when it’s all over. Really not worth it.

Just assess your marriage and decide what you want to do. If you can forgive her then forgive her (for your sake too) and work on the marriage. If you can’t then leave and move on.

Don't, be the better person. I'd say things don't look good for your relationship if you are feeling vindictive. If you want someone new separate first.

Hmmm. Tbf you're probably going through a tough time and all sorts of thoughts are racing around your brain, this being one of them! Gosh, I'm tempted to say do it because you won't feel wronged anymore moving forward but then what if you feel 'alive' and you can't stop the affair and it continues and your marriage collapses and you leave with your affair partner? If you've got kids it will be a messy business.

If you can’t forgive then end the marriage.

Sounds like tit for tat, eye for an eye stuff. Rest assured you are 'alive' more likely she was referring to the thrill and excitement of having an affair. The opportunity at something new and fulfilling various things missing from her existing relationship.

Should you go ahead and try and experience, as your thread title suggests, a revenge affair? Good lord no. That's the height of silliness and folly. Look if you can't repair your relationship and capture what you once had you should end it. Find someone new that perhaps you can capture some of that...err aliveness? Is that a word?

I am sorry about what happened to you and you do have my sympathy. But going off and having affair is not the answer and most self destructive. Work on your relationship or leave. Best of luck.

O yes sure, spread the hurt around, that’s a good idea.

If this is how you feel you have a long way to go towards being healed and you’ll probably both be better off ending things now and walking away.

I think what would make you feel more alive is handing her the divorce papers.

Spite isn't a good look

OP - yes, affairs make people feel alive. People in open (or poly) relationships call it NRE - new relationship energy....

If you want to stay together, but also experience these surges of emotions/hormones - maybe you two can open up your marriage.
And see if that set up works for you?

I feel alive abseiling, try that first op.

Your going to feel a mix of emotions

Including feeling and thinking the way you are.
My humble two pennies worth is....Your questioning her rationale for the affair, also trying to understand why it went on....and wondering if your missing out on something yourself. Add hurt into the mix and I'm not surprised at all, that your having these thoughts / desires

Yes could do the same. Yes you might feel alive (aka experience the adrenaline rush) but there are consequences too...even if she never found out...there is the guilt you'd have to live with. You have to eat up the risk

If your wanting to feel alive....do it the healthy way. Give yourself new experiences (not other women unless your seperated, you'll only hurt yourself too) She did it the unhealthy way.
Start trying new things, go new places....blow the dust off your bones. You'll get that 'feeling alive feeling'.

Affair - totally justified but unhealthy and you'll hurt yourself just as much as her.

If your trying to hurt yourself, try counselling to help you through the shitty process your going through

@Sausage101

Sorry you've been hurt op.

Yes absolutely I'd go for someone else. Don't go for messy feelings though, keep it transactional. Dump your balls then go home.

Nobody should really forgive an affair. She's crossed a massive line. Time for a divorce. There's someone better out there for you.

Even if op "dumps his balls in a transactional fashion" as suggested by Ford, realistically, where will that leave him or them as a couple?

Iong term unfulfilled limbo/stalemate minus a few swimmers doesn't really sound like a recipe for health, wealth and happiness to me

Messy.

@Sinisers

It’s personal choice, don’t you think - how to live and what to forgive....
And life is rarely black and white.

How many posts have you seen on here saying - ‘until it happened to me, I thought it was a deal breaker’...
Most affairs don’t lead to marriage breakups. Interestingly.

There is an interesting book on motivations and reasons for; and ways people deal with them, and how our current view of marriage isn’t quite realistic...
The State of Affairs, by E.Perel
She also does talks.
It’s an intersting way to look at it from a psychologist persoective

Is it wrong that I want to experience this? I'm considering having an affair myself to find out.

You can get this same feeling by leaving her and starting a new relationship with someone else.

Surely this isn't a real thread though? How childish "revenge affair".... Honestly.

Revenge affairs are common. It's not childish at all. It takes a lot of understanding of affair dynamics to get your head around it.

Your spouse desired another person...it makes you feel less confident and not good enough. You want to know that you still 'have it'

Before you go down that road...what's your end game? Is it reconciliation? Not sure?

I know betrayed spouses who have said they cannot reconcile until they've done the same. Some cheaters have been desperate not to have a divorce and they have suggested their BS has sex with others. Usually it's the cheating wife in my experience.

Discuss your feelings with her. See what her response is.

I'm not advocating it...nor am I against it... because I'd probably feel as you do.

It's usually very fantasy like in affairs... so yes...they can make you feel alive..desired...special...cherished...in a way you don't feel in day to day life...with domestic drudgery.

It’s not wrong to feel but it is wrong to act on. What’s the point of staying married if you’re both just going to shag other people?

The two of you are made for each other

If you feel you need to experience this then I'm sure there are plenty of on line places to find someone. I'm afraid I'd do the same.