I don't want to see my MIL

[tryingtolovelife]

Im not new, I've been on Mumsnet for years but I don't normally post. There is also a massive backstory so I'll try and keep it brief and try not to drip feed.

Basically, I don't like my MIL. She's toxic, her behaviour towards dh and I is awful. Dh says his childhood was terrible and full of basically doing his mother's bidding and being left to fend for himself for long periods.

She's not great with money and decisions and when she makes the wrong choices dh is expected to pick up the pieces. He holds her at arms length and does the minimum to help but she demands more- huge amounts of money (for us) car being fixed, rent being paid and on and on, even small things like lifts are demanded of us, never asked, never polite just demanded. Dh works long hours so if she can't get hold of him she will demand things from me, if I can't (I can't always, we have young children) she will give us silent treatment for a couple of weeks, or until she demands something else. She isn't well off and does struggle to pay, but neither are we and we just don't have what she wants lying around to give to her.

There's so much more and worse than the examples I've given here but some of that is in the past, this is what's happening now and I've had enough. Dh can block her out, as I suppose he's always had to but I struggle with the demands, the rudeness, the expectation that she is our responsibility (yeah she said that despite the fact she's able bodied and not elderly)

My problem is, she's absolutely nice as pie to anyone else! No one else can see the problem. My children love her, she's a good granny to them and she adores them, her poison is saved for us and other members of her family, who are all nc with her I might add. We are all she has left and she is affecting my mental health, I feel bullied by her and trapped because to go nc means to break my children's hearts. How can I deal with this? I know I need to toughen up and not be affected but I don't know how to change my mindset. I feel despair when I think of how many more years I have of this and it only getting worse as she gets older.

Why would it break the kids hearts if your husband and you were in no contact with his mother. This is poor thinking on your part and such weakness is what people like his mother live for and thrive on.

His mother is simply using your children to get back at you two as their parents and thoroughly undermining you both in the process. If she is too toxic for you both to deal with it’s the same deal for your children as well, do not do your bit here to keep on exposing them to her behaviours. The fact that she only has you people left is her fault, not yours to take any responsibility for. You need to do what these other family members have done and that is to have no contact with her. Your husband is still replaying his childhood with his mother. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships. Your children also are not the arbiters of this relationship with his mother, yu and he are. Children too can be indiscriminate with who they love and they are thus not the best judges of character.

Do read the publications “toxic in-laws” and “toxic parents” written by Susan Forward. Your husband certainly needs to read toxic parents.

Yes every word you have written there is right. It's been going on a long time and I am weak with this. They love her and they will feel very hurt so I always thought watching to make sure none of this happens to them would be enough. It won't will it. I'll look up the books. Thankyou.

Look, you are holding yourself hostage here. Just let go!

Short term your kids will be puzzled, upset. Long term they will be happier because both of their parents will be less stressed.

That and their quality of life will be better because all of the money grandma would extort out of the family pot will be used to their benefit instead!

And yes, I do know how hard this is. I am currently helping DSis through her own issues, preventing our father from treating her wages as his own. He has stolen from her for years and, at 50, she has decided to put her foot down.

Support your DH in severing the emotional ties. DO NOT make his life harder by applying your own emotional load via your kids! Remember, this granny that loves them is hurting their parents and taking money out of their lives... and she doesn't care if they get hurt, have less in their lives because of her actions!

That isn't love. That's her manipulating you, using your own children to do so!

Curious- yes you are right too, this has been going on so long that we've lost sight of reality. I'm going to work on being stronger for dh. I'm going to show him the book recommendations from pp. This is the year I want this to change and it was the children I thought I was putting first by putting up with it.

Oops pressed post too soon

But yes, this is just another obstacle for dh. Time to wise up.

I thought I'd be told to give her a break and that I'm being an awful DIL by not wanting her to be around us.

If she has fallen out with the rest of the family and was as demanding with them, she will eventually move on to her grandchildren. Do you want them to suffer as you do?

No I really really don't, and I have a feeling that will happen too and I want to put a stop to it.

If you don’t go NC

You need to kill her with kindness

‘Gosh MIL we’d live to help but we’ve just paid out for X repair ourselves, sorry’

‘Oh dear MIL X has just fallen asleep and isn’t well, another time maybe’

Oh you can’t pay your rent again? Not sure how we can help sorry’

I should say 'we' want to. Dh is as fed up as me.

Your children are young but do you honestly think she won't start to include them in her manipulations when they get older? People like this don't change and are only out for number one. Surely better to cut back on contact while they are less aware. Do what you feel you need to protect yourself and your family!

What would happen if you just said no to her demands ?
No I can’t take you to xx I’ve had a drink / not well/ will be at work then etc

No I can’t help you with money for xxx. ( no reason necessary as she will find excuses why you’re wrong)
Can you speak to her less ? Maybe Not answer the phone or text as much
Go lower and lower contact

Neither of you are responsible for her. She is a capeable adult

Heather- she would keep asking, if I said no she'll then ask dh (sometimes she'll ask me first as it's me who is around most during the day) if he says no she'll wait a few days then ask again and if we say no again she'll ask in front of others like at a family gathering or if I'm with a friend or by going into dh's place of work.

For the last 12 months we have been going lower contact but there's always some drama going on that means demands are made on us. We used to see her once or twice a week and we've cut it down so far to once or twice a month.

I've just downloaded the toxic in-laws book. Thanks to the pp who recommended.