How do you end a toxic friendship?

[Lollypop19]

Friends for around eight years. Our friendship worked well on a superficial level but as we have become closer friends I’ve noticed a lot of red flags and generally toxic behaviour. Loads of examples I could list, but a few of the main ones are that she NEVER seems genuinely happy for anything good that happens to me, and actually seems quite bitter about anything good in my life. The few times I have shared anything difficult I am going through, she seems to be intentionally insensitive - having money issues and she bragged (within the same conversation) about having disposable income and how she was so glad she wasn’t in my position and similar things like that. Loads of examples I could list.

I’ve reached the stage where I don’t think it will be beneficial to call out the behaviour, because it happens in most of our interactions. The friendship feels very one sided - I have helped her lot with her career with areas I’m knowledgeable in (I am a bit older and we have worked in the same industry) and her personal issues, but I never receive any support back from her when I’m struggling or need help with anything. So I’ve started to realise she is a bit of a user.

She has also always copied me which is not a huge issue but getting more irritating - recently she has pretty much recreated my social media posts - same photos and very similar captions - and she is constantly asking questions about my life, and has been copying lots based on my responses. (I stopped telling her anything as soon as I noticed!)

Another thing I’ve picked up on is that she is very negative and unkind about other people she is close to - and has shared very private things about their life with me. So it makes me uncomfortable and as if I need to watch every word I say around her, as it’s likely to be repeated.

So all in all I feel like our friendship has run its course and is becoming a negative. She isn’t the sort of person who would be able to have a mature conversation about these issues and respectfully end the friendship, I know it would get nasty this way (she seems to have some narcissistic traits). I’ve toned down our contact, but I’m not sure what else I can do to speed up the end of the friendship - I’m looking forward to the point that we have no or minimal contact! Any advice welcome, any previous friendships I have had have ended naturally by drifting away, so I’m not sure the best way to go about this. Tia

Why do you need to speed up the end of your friendship. Just let it drift naturally. Be unavailable. Don't reply to messages etc.

Look up histrionic personality disorder. She won't let the friendship drift. You need to practice 'grey rock'. Talk about a problem all the time that she will feel dull. I got rid of a nightmare girl by droning on about my kids (she hardly bothered with hers so found this perplexing and dull...she was very nasty and cuttibg her off would have provoked revenge...so I had to bore her to death). She sounds worrying tbh and could cause you major pain. Mine spread huge nasty rumours about me but would not leave me alone. Hideous and very stressful.

Sorry... A topic she will FIND dull. Go on and on about it!!! Works a treat.

What @LadyGAgain said
She'll soon get the hint and move on .

Been there. Done that. got the t shirt.

Agree do not let it drift- because she won’t accept it.

Mine become incredibly demanding of my time and made me feel guilty if I didn’t see her pretty much every weekend when I tried to let it drift.
I also couldn’t tell her anything good that happened or she would be jealous and she would analyse everything I was wearing whenever I saw her “oh! Is that a new bag! I’d it real? I bet it was expensive!” Etc...

I had this idea we could cool it and just see each other every few months - WRONG
Eventually we met up for a meal and she was super weird and guilt trippy.
I congratulated her on a new job and she started on about how mine was better and I was patronising her and how I am so lucky and I have “everything”.
Then she started turning on the guilt about how she hadn’t seen me in so long, I said I hadn’t really been around and she said I was rubbing my important job in her face ( I was abroad on and off for about 4 months with work so... )

I used to not call it out when she behaved badly but this time I stood my ground and said “look this isn’t about me and I have never bragged or rubbed your face in it it’s about you. Clearly this friendship is not making you happy and it isn’t good for either of us. Best of luck with blah blah blah”

She then did a “heyyyyyy. How’s it going?” Message on fb a week later
(We always used what’s app) Which I completely ignored.

While it was mega awkward it’s SUCH a relief

Yes you could do ‘great rock’ but it’s a long indirect route. I would send her a message saying you feel the friendship has run it’s course and that you don’t want to be in contact with her anymore but wish her well for the future. Then block her on social media and phone etc. And don’t engage with her in any way. That way you’ve been direct, clear and consistent. She’ll deal with it in time.

I've had one of these friendships and I just cut all ties but be prepared for a backlash. There was one but it dwindled eventually. Now I'm just relieved she's not in my life anymore.

I literally just stopped getting in touch. Easiest thing.

Just make yourself less and less available, eventually she will stop contacting you.

Most importantly while the friendship is fizzling don't tell her ANYTHING about yourself.

Be more careful who you involve yourself with in the future so you don't end up in this position again.

LadyGAgain - I have been trying this and tried in the past to move us back into the distant friend category and she just gets more full on to try and compensate!

Fizzy - had a quick google and it sounds just like her. I haven’t responded to any contact in a few days and today she has already tried to contact me about five times on different social media platforms. Mostly telling me about herself and great things she has / has been doing I’ll look up grey rock too. Thanks

trojanpony - same issue here, as soon as she notices I haven’t been as chatty or responsive the contact gets even more frequent. She’s even booked tickets for us in the past without confirming with me first so I’ve had to respond.. I think the awkwardness is worth the escape!

Closetbeanmuncher - doing this at the moment, at the first warning signs I did distance myself a lot but she’s become very full on and always finding a reason we need to speak/desperately needs to ask me something or similar. It feels quite suffocating, I made a new Facebook page because of the constant contact and she somehow found it within 24 hours and added me but I’ll defintiely be more brutal at cutting off people in the future.

I had a friend like this - I gradually peeled away, making excuses to get out of seeing her. Then one day she invited herself to a close friend’s event (she’d met them but wasn’t friends with them) and I ended up snapping and telling her why she had annoyed me - looking back I wish I had done that in the first place (ie outlined the issues and why we needed a break). We didn’t see each other for ages and when we did it was kind of water under the bridge territory, but I still only see her once or twice a year if that. She’s okay in very small doses but I don’t trust her to be a proper inner circle friend.
How do you think she would react if you told her how you feel with copious examples?

Very stalkeresque....

She sounds like she enjoys shit stirring and drama

Do you think she's aware of her own behaviour or just completely self absorbed, and do you think she would level if challenged or just get nasty?

Honestly, I think the best thing to do is go out with a bang. Take offense at something she says or does, go big, tell her you don't want to hear from her ever again, and block every form of contact. Sure she'll spread roumers etc. Fuck her, let her get on with it, as long as you grey rock and ignore all, she'll have to move on and find another person to leach off very quickly.