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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anger management advice

14 replies

lemoncurdd · 29/12/2018 05:09

I would like some advice on seeking counselling/anger management.

My DP has many great qualities and we get on really well most of the time. However, he loses his temper quite easily and goes into a rant for a couple of minutes when he is angry at me for something I have done where he raises his voice (not quite shouting) and calls me names. After about two minutes of ranting/whittering he goes back to normal. He doesn't sulk/ hold a grudge or continue with the argument, it seems that he needs to release his feelings in this way and then it's gone.

We have had many discussions about this where I have told him it's not acceptable but I have gotten used to it and try not to let it bother me. I no longer try to apologise or justify myself over what the issue is and just stay silent and ignore him until it passes. However, since having a baby I will no longer toletate him speaking to me like this in front of the baby, she should not grow up thinking this is normal and I would hate it if he was ever like this towards DD when she gets older.

After a rant today I suggested he seek professional help so I would like advice if anyone has been in a similar situation on what to try. Relationship counselling or anger management??

OP posts:
croprotationinthe13thcentury · 29/12/2018 05:26

Does lose his rag with his boss at work like this? Thought not.

Original poster
lemoncurdd · 29/12/2018 05:37

Actually yes he does act exactly like this at work. I actually don't know how he gets away with it at work but they are a very small team who all get on really well but if they ever got a new boss I am sure it would be an issue.

He is also like this with friends and family.

OP posts:
Doobee · 29/12/2018 05:48

Most workplaces wouldn’t put up with this behaviour. I’m surprised he still has a job!

katykins85 · 29/12/2018 05:48

This is not a relationship problem, nor particularly an anger one per se. Your DH appears to struggle with emotion regulation and needs to learn strategies to help him manage his emotional arousal when triggered. A CBT practitioner would be really useful for this. Is he impulsive in other ways?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2018 06:10

Basically, everyone in his life has allowed him to get away with being an abusive arsehole with zero consequences. Why would he stop? I suggest you start respecting yourself more and refuse to have this abuse in your life. He doesn't need "anger management." He needs someone to tell him to fuck off.

katykins85 · 29/12/2018 06:24

I disagree aqua, if he is losing his temper very quickly in lots of contexts its likely its impulsive behaviour stemming from an inability to manage heightened emotions. He can learn to manage it, but telling him to fuck off is not going to "fix" it if he doesn't have the insight to be able to change his behaviour. DBT or CBT would be helpful, as would mindfulness practice.

Original poster
lemoncurdd · 29/12/2018 06:48

Thank you Katykins.I will look into DBT and CBT. He isn't impulsive in other ways in fact he is actually really controlled/ a perfectionist, which might be where the problem is. When he does lose his temper he is generally in the right, so today was because I left the car windows open overnight and it had been raining so he was right to be pissed off but I didn't need to be called a "fucking idiot" for two minutes until he got over it. It's the same at work, someone will make a mistake and he will rant at them, he probably gets away with his language because he is in the right about the issue.

Aqua, I have no problem telling him to fuck off, it does not make a difference. He knows that he needs to change for our daughter.

OP posts:
katykins85 · 29/12/2018 06:50

Happy to help! Smile

Original poster
lemoncurdd · 29/12/2018 06:52

And yes I was a fucking idiot for leaving the windows open (it was only an inch and i hadn't noticed). But it can also be about minor things like leaving a plug turned on or heating too high.

OP posts:
katykins85 · 29/12/2018 06:56

What are his social skills like generally? Is he good at perspective taking for example?

Original poster
lemoncurdd · 29/12/2018 07:02

He has great social skills, very chatty and funny, makes friends easily.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemoncurdd · 29/12/2018 07:09

Sorry hit post too soon. He can see different perspectives but not when he gets like this. He is right and the other person is wrong, no matter what their reasoning may be. I think I am going to make a note or record what he says to me when he goes on a rant and relay it back to him.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 29/12/2018 09:51

You are trying to change someone who doesn't think they have a problem. He's been doing it for years - why hasn't HE googled about how to deal with this 'problem'? It's because to him there is no problem - and this behaviour actually benefits him - for instance, you are blaming yourself for a simple mistake with the windows, when by comparison his tantrum is the WAY bigger issue.

When Aqua talked about telling him to 'fuck off', I'm pretty sure that was meant metaphorically, as in you refusing to accept his behaviour and leaving him. Because in the end, after all the fannying around with CBT he won't go to, and DBT he won't engage fully with, that will be where you will end.

You cannot change another person, you can only change your reaction to them.

BackInTheRoom · 29/12/2018 14:08

'Transactional Analysis' sounds like this exchange was him in the ego state of 'Critical Parent. What he needs to achieve is Adult to Adult.

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