Was I abused? Might be triggering

[Apricot10]

Hi everyone, it has taken me many years to even speak about this. My parents divorced when I was 6, my mum met a man whom she married and we were all moved hours away from where I was born and grew up.

To cut a very long story short, at first I thought he was fab, great fun always played with me etc. As I grew up and became a older child/teenager it changed, I found him really creepy, the way he would look me up and down ( I just put it down to me feeling awkward while developing)
He would walk in on me while I was getting changed, he was always overtly sexual with my mum infront of me which made me feel so awkward.

Then we went on holiday, I remember it in was about 12 and we were on a long train journey through France, I was sleeping layed across his lap and he was rubbing my back and his hand went up under my top and he touched my breast (I was quite early in my development). I remember elbowing him and sitting up in my seat.
It never happened again, but the feelings of him being creepy never went away.
After that holiday I remember there was a big family argument because apparently my mum was "sick of my attitude."
I was just confused and didn't know how to deal with what happened or of it really was a thing.
He yelled at me and told me my mum didn't love me, and she didn't correct him.
Obviously recalling this argument with my mother years later she didn't remember it happening.
I don't have a good relationship with my mother and I don't speak to him.
But is this abuse? or just something wierd that happened. I feel like I am a bit of a fraud, as I know people who have put up with really horrendous sexual abuse. I think that's why I haven't ever told anyone.
I don't really know what I am aiming for from this post actually, but I have written it and deleted it so many times.
The weird part was my dad always said he worried about him in that way too (I haven't told him.)

There is no reasonable explanation for what he did.
Yes others may have suffered worse but this is your reality and your feelings are valid. 💐

Thank you for replying fc, I appreciate it. I think it got me thinking about it a lot lately as my mum visited with a pile of photos of me from when I was a child (having a clear out apparently) and there were photos from that holiday of me, and it is written all over my face.
It was really sad to see, they went in the bin.

Therapy would probably really help you if you are unsure about raising it with your family. I only go once a month so it can be affordable.

I was sexually interfered with also at 12. Physically prob worse things have happened to me as an adult, but it was my experience at 12 which affected me the most. At 12 you are a child - vulnerable and relying completely on adults for your very existence. Also, I think you might be thinking of this train experience as a moment in time - but it’s not. You spent your childhood feeling unsafe around this man and now even as an adult it’s affecting your relationship with your mother. All these situations created feelings in you and helped form who you are. So pleased do not minimise what happened - that moment on the train has had a huge impact on your life. This must be bothering you if you are still thinking of it now, so I think you might benefit from getting some help. Ring your dr for advice on how. You don’t have to explain to your dr what happened - just say you were sexually interfered with as a child and would like to know what counselling options might be available to you. Some counties you can just google something like healthy minds and self refer. Good luck.

Also, can I just add. You might find it helpful to tell your dad. It sounds like he would support you. It’s best to talk about these things to get them out.

Labelling your suffering as sexual abuse (which is what it was) doesn’t take away from others who have been abused. I think you also need to think about your mothers role in this too and address how you can move forward.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your support. Yes, I do think I need to talk about it. I did tell my mother a few years ago, she didn't believe me and told me never to speak of it again. I am pretty low contact with her these days, I haven't really had a good relationship with her and was always made to feel like in was a burden that was getting in the way of her new life with her new husband, (but that's another story).
I wish I could tell my dad, but I think it would break him to be honest. He was sexually abused horrendously from the age of 10 to 17, and I don't think he could cope knowing.
Ittakes2 you are so right, I always felt dirty when I was around him, I remember never wearing tight clothes, or swimwear around him, i always felt so self conscious. I thought since maybe it was down to preteen awkwardness, but I didn't ever feel like that infront of my dad.
It has affected me more than I realised I think.
It helps talking about it though, almost for someone to verify what happened wasn't right at all. Thank you.

Your post resonates with me as similar to you I had a 'family friend' who like your step dad made me feel very uncomfortable just by the way he looked at me and spoke about my 'forming young body' eww
I unfortunately had to see him most days but living with a man like this must be awful and I'm sorry you had to live like that 😔
He used to touch my bottom any opportunity and once wouldn't let me go home as he just wanted to cuddle me longer and like you I feel like a fraud to say that this was sexual abuse as you say when you hear of so much worse but over years it really does just make you feel so unsafe when you should be carefree... bastards.
I'm sorry I've not much advice, guess just to say I know how you must feel

Hi Greystar, urgh yes, that is awful sounds very similar. It's horrible being around someone who makes you feel just grubby especially at that age. Sorry you went through that too.
Just horrid.