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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dealbreaker? son and boyfriend

26 replies

misstakenone · 28/12/2018 23:34

Sorry to post this again as I posted it in chat but didn't get much response and I would appreciate some advice on this. I have been with bf nearly a year and kids have met him quite a bit. Bf came over earlier and as son was coming downstairs to say hi bf started saying he's a good looking kid but needs to sort his attitude out - kind of to me kind of to him but son (9) only heard the second half of it. Bf apologised and later said it was just banter but I have said it is not acceptable and he has now gone. Would this be a deal breaker for you? There have been a couple of other times where bf has reacted negatively to my son's behaviour and had shouted at him once and told him off another time- though i had not fully seen what had happened in the run up - was in the same room but distracted. I am worried if he could be like this at the relative start of the relationship then it could escalate. I would never say anything like that even to a parent of a child let alone in earshot of the child even if I did think that about the child and my boy is really very well behaved overall anyway (not that that is the point) Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:

wakemewhenitsallover · 28/12/2018 23:38

I don't understand why he even said that? Sounds like it came from nowhere. It's a weird and inappropriate thing to say.

I would suspect you're not being over sensitive.

MajesticWhine · 28/12/2018 23:40

Without context it is hard to say. Does your son have anything wrong with his attitude? It sounds out of order and like you are not being over sensitive. If he can't show a bit of patience with your child then it doesn't sound great I'm afraid.

Original poster

misstakenone · 28/12/2018 23:43

Son is well behaved. Has been a bit hostile to bf and his dd in the past as I have been single for 5 years and this is the first person he has been introduced to so I think he felt a bit insecure about my new relationship and what it meant for him. Bf knows this and was supposedly understanding of it.

OP posts:

Haffiana · 29/12/2018 00:06

You are definitely not being oversensitive.

If your bf does not understand how to behave with children then that is one thing - after all no-one does really until they have a child. So this is where he should be - learning about your children and how to behave around them. He should be treating the situation and them, with respect and interest.

But this isn't where he is. He has shouted at your son and told him off, and is now doing some sort of confrontational dick waving at him to put him in his place, and this would be a deal breaker for me. Who the actual fuck does he think he is?

M00nUnit · 29/12/2018 00:13

No-one really knows how to behave around children until they have a child Haffiana? What utter rubbish.

Original poster

misstakenone · 29/12/2018 00:15

he has a child

OP posts:

wakemewhenitsallover · 29/12/2018 00:16

misstakenone said he has a DD so not knowing how to act around DC is not the issue here.

wakemewhenitsallover · 29/12/2018 00:16

Cross post!

ShotsFired · 29/12/2018 00:18

Haw is that any form of (loathsome term) "banter"?

calamitycake · 29/12/2018 00:20

I'm glad you showed him the door. Children always come first

TheStoic · 29/12/2018 05:28

How old is his daughter, and how was your son ‘hostile’ to her?

milkandpancakes · 29/12/2018 06:00

Ugh, 'banter' . No, you're definitely not overreacting. Sounds like your boyfriend was being an arsehole to your son and overstepping completely. Why does he think he has any right to criticise your child like that? I could (maybe) understand it if the context was your son swearing at him or something like that but even then, there's a macho belligerence to the words he used that would really concern me. It looks like a snapshot of a dynamic that could be very hurtful to your son.

milkandpancakes · 29/12/2018 06:02

Also, this:
I am worried if he could be like this at the relative start of the relationship then it could escalate.
with bells on. It's what will inevitably happen I think. Please be very careful

Thespace · 29/12/2018 06:05

No I would not be impressed either. I think you did the right thing.

How did your son react to the comment?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 08:01

He will soon escalate into telling you how to parent. Leave him gone.

Original poster

misstakenone · 29/12/2018 08:15

son was unsure why he'd said that and was saying no he doesn't (need to change his attitude). When alone shortly after he asked me again why he'd said it.
Bf dd is 5. Maybe hostility too strong but my dd did not want to play with her or spend time around her as finds her annoying and spoilt. Last time we were all together he caused her to mis balance on a balance bench but bf thought he'd pushed her which was one of the times he'd shouted at him. My ds said he hadn't as did my dd (who would usually happily grass him up). I was there but only saw it out of the corner of my eye and also didn't think he'd pushed her but thought he had been too boisterous causing her to mis balance and told him to be more careful around her but bf then shouted at him as thought he had pushed her.

OP posts:

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 08:20

He shouldn't be shouting at your DC at all. Sounds like he'll find any excuse to belittle your DC in favour of his own. Not good for your DC or you.

pissedonatrain · 29/12/2018 08:47

Glad you got rid of him The first time he said something rude or shouted at my child, would have been the last time as he would be out the door for good.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 29/12/2018 09:24

Think about how you are already feeling, OP - caught between your boyfriend and your son, anxious about the BF overstepping, your DS being hurt, nervous when he is around the 5 year old DD in case there's another incident that your BF blames on your DS, second guessing if maybe you just need to lighten up and maybe it's all fine, feeling that you need to defend your children against your new partner.

These feelings aren't going to get better, they will only get worse. If you keep bringing your DS and your boyfriend together, then things like this will continue to happen.

I don't think this is the right guy for you. If you want to keep going out with him, then decide right now that you will not blend your family with his and you will only see him when your son isn't around. Letting this guy take on a step parent role will be very bad news for your son.

TotesEmoshTerri · 29/12/2018 09:33

bf started saying he's a good looking kid but needs to sort his attitude out

This all seems like an overreaction to a comment like that, even if it were misplaced. You don't want to continue the relationship for other reasons, I assume?

Dirtybadger · 29/12/2018 09:38

Why did he say he was a good looking kid ? Who comments on what a kid looks like. I would be just at someone judging a kid by their appearance tbh. How weird. "I like your hair", fine, but making judgments about their general appearance (even if positive) = odd and not something I would want a kid thinking about (I.e. it doesn't matter what you look like!)

Hissy · 29/12/2018 09:49

Your spidey senses are tripping

Listen to thyroid know your kid is a good kid, this bloke is trying to convince you that he isn’t

I think the bf has to go. I get an awful sense of foreboding from this.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 29/12/2018 09:58

Do you feel entitled enough to shout at and tell his dd off?

This guy sounds like an arsehole and I feel sorry for your kids that they have to tolerate this. If this is what he is like after only 1 year I would put money on this 'banter' getting worse.

bastardkitty · 29/12/2018 10:03

It's good that he's gone. Make sure he stays away.

virgospirit · 29/12/2018 10:24

This guy sounds like a prick to me. For a start he's used the 'banter' word in a pathetic attempt to cover up his inappropriate remarks towards your son. Secondly you've said he's already shown negative reactions and started shouting at a 9 year old boy.

For the record I grew up with a step father who sounds similar. I was an 8years old boy when it all started and it just got worse as the years went on, to point of me never even being allowed a voice of my own and being continually shouted down. When I complained he would throw his weight around and it would lead to physical violence. My mother never seemed to notice or just turned a blind eye. Please don't let this happen to your son is all I can say.

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