Don't know whether or not to contact them

[HHH3]

Not sure if this is the right place for this...

DS2 is 6 (although has some SN so is essentially a bit 'younger' than that). His dad died when he was 5 months old. Ever since he died contact with his family has been infrequent but I'd email his mum (DS's GM) with photos and updates and she'd reply. Contact was always initiated by me though except for her sending birthday and Christmas cards and presents for DS. Plus the odd email with his uncle - again always initiated by me.

Last year nothing arrived for his birthday so I emailed his GM and got no reply. She's getting quite elderly and I got concerned so emailed his uncle to make sure everything was ok. He said she was fine but getting quite forgetful. But then a card and present arrived from her for Christmas (DS's birthday is in December) so he'd obviously spoken to her.

Since then I've heard absolutely nothing. Except earlier in the year when I asked his uncle for some photos of DS's dad for a book I was making. Other than that no reply to emails from his GM. Nothing for DS's birthday or Christmas (I sent a card and his latest school photo for Christmas).

If I'm honest, right now I'm incredibly angry. It feels like they just don't care/aren't bothered about DS. I don't know why - maybe it's too much of a reminder of their son/brother. But that's not DS's fault. And frankly, they're missing out on an amazing little boy!

A part of me really wants to email and ask wtf they think they're playing at. But I'm scared I'll cause problems (not really sure what tbh). But on the other hand what if DS asks about them in the future and I have to say I stopped trying to maintain a relationship for him?

Right now I don't think they've crossed DS's mind. I don't think he even remembers getting presents from them in the past. But I'm sure at some point he'll ask about his dad's family.

So I'm stuck. Do I email and ask that they try harder for DS? Or do I leave it now as they clearly aren't interested?

So you havent heard from her in a year? I would leave it tbh, you cant force them to be part of his life.

It is possible that GM is suffering from a form of dementia if she was getting forgetful and Uncle is having to deal with that.
Either that or she has passed away.
I would leave it as well.

I'd also wonder if there is dementia.

Also, I note you talk about emails and presents but do you ever arrange to visit the grandmother and uncle? I think contact is harder if they don't have a relationship with the child.

It's possible that she's suffering from dementia, yes. Or even passed away and no one has told me. Both have crossed my mind.

If I'm completely honest (have been a lot of thinking since I first posted and have been more honest with myself and admitted what's been lurking at the back of my mind) I think the uncle wants to distance himself from us. The circumstances of DS's dad's death weren't great and were in the press. Uncle is a very senior civil servant and I can't help wondering whether he's worried about being linked and the effects on his career.

But DS is their family...and the only link to their son/brother. I honestly thought they'd want as much contact as possible.

And is it fair on DS to leave it? He's already lost his dad. Should I not at least try to make sure he doesn't lose the whole of his paternal family too?

No, tbh I don't arrange visits. I think I would if they were more proactive with contact. But it's a long way to go which will be hard on DS for people who don't really seem interested in him, if that makes sense?

If they wanted a relationship with your son they would have one. You have done what you can.

Do they actually see each other? Does he ask after them? If not then I really wouldn't bother. It's up to them - not you - to make contact. If they don't want that contact then they don't. It could be because of painful memories or they are selfish. Either way it's not your problem, or your sons. When he's older I'm sure you could easily get back in touch with them if that's what he wants. I'm
sorry your son lost his dad so young must be a difficult situation for you.

I'd leave it. It's sad of course but the Gran is getting forgetful and the family may be struggling with that. The uncle's obviously not bothered sadly.

Decent uncles would make an effort to see their nephew in the flesh.

GM met DS when he was born and then around his birthday. Uncle has never met him. DS has never asked about them - I really don't think he remembers.

I think you're all right - I've tried but for whatever reason they don't want a relationship. It just makes me so sad and I wish I could fix this for DS.

It's very hard. DS spent a lot of Christmas Eve talking about daddy and wishing he was here. I think he'd picked up on how many things there are around Christmas that feature mum, dad and kids

The uncle has never met your DS? yeh I would leave it. They are obviously not interested as sad as
that is.

Update:

Out of the blue I've had an email from DS's GM apologising for missing his birthday and Christmas and asking for my address, as she can't find it, so she can send him some money!

Great news! I would try to maintain some relationship, maybe even a phone call to Gran, if visiting is too hard. That is what I started doing with my overworked sister (no kids), who lives far away and will also forget at times, and then arbitrarily, out of the blue, sends something she thinks DS might like.