Divorce, Christmas, anyone else out there feeling a bit shit?

[Dragonbreath8]

I'm newly divorced which is a bloody relief but I (naively) hadn't bargained on this time of year giving me a real knock. Ex husband and the woman he left for playing happy families with the kids, the loneliness I've felt etc. To be fair, I've had a really lovely Christmas with the children but I have to admit that i didn't expect to feel so bloody sad about it all at this time of year. Just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat or if you're further down the line than me and can say that it gets a bit easier. Thanks x

Hi Dragonbreath!

I'm not there yet. We have decree nici, but have to do financial settlement and child arrangement- so help me god!

We still live together which is awful to put it mildly. He is abusive, selfish monster and I cannot wait to finally separate from him.

However, I've had awful time during Christmas as we do not really speak unless we have to. First time that he bought gifts for children - he is trying hard to win them over.

Also it's really hard as my family is abroad, so it feels like everyone else is having such great time while we are stuck in this misery.

Hugs all round
I started divorce just before Christmas. Top of the list of unreasonable behaviours are alcoholism and financial abuse, but there were plenty of others to choose from. I can't wait for next Christmas without him in my house, leeching off me, being loud and inappropriate from 2 o'clock in the afternoon. But, I can imagine that next Christmas will not be without its difficulties.
Grieving for what should have been, and the future you should have had, I guess, is normal. I fully expect my H to be shacked up with/leeching from someone else within months/weeks, and although I will be glad to see the back of him, I'm sure the reality will hurt.

Hugs to you both and I can promise you that it will get better when they are out of the house! I am trying to console myself by remembering that I'm a hell of a lot happier without him than with him. But yes, this time of year really does do its best to make you feel shit if you're going through a sad time. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work/school and a bit of normality and routine!

This is my first Christmas divorced, though we were separated last year by Christmas and exH moved to the Middle East with the OW within 6 weeks of moving out.

Hitting me harder this year. I suppose last year I was still in the ‘one foot in front of the other mentality. DD (who was 3 the weekend before Christmas) understands more this year as well that he’s not around, she’s brought it up once or twice but I think she’s going to start asking questions soon.

He’s just been back to see his parents and DD and his son from a previous relationship over Xmas and is swanning back over to his fancy tax free life tomorrow while I plough on with potty training and all of the other things you have to do as a parent who doesn’t move 5000 miles away.

Must be the time of year because I’m feeling very bitter about the whole thing right now. As usually I’m at peace with it being the two of us, and enjoying having the house to myself because things got so bad at the end, he was emotionally and financially abusive trying to cover up his affair and the plans he was making to move abroad.

Seeing him makes it worse, he’s a manipulative, narcissistic pathological liar. And while he’s abroad, and has no interest in taking DD over there because then he’d have to actually parent, I feel like I can protect her from the worst of it because she only sees him 4 times a year. But I’m constantly worrying about what will happen if he moves back to the U.K.

Un-mumsnetty hugs to everyone going through the same!

I hear you, particularly on the manipulative, narcissistic, pathological liar front! Seems that many of these men have that in common. My kids are a similar age to yours and I've found that while it makes acceptance easier, the questions, as you say, can still be tricky. The one foot in front of the other mentality keeps you going but I have also felt very bitter this past couple of weeks. Not a nice feeling to feel or have to admit to but I keep telling myself it's better to feel it than try to suppress it xx

And thank you everyone for sharing your shit! It's horrible but also helpful to know there are others feeling like this and I'm not going mad xxx

This is my first Christmas as a single mum. I was utterly miserable in my relationship but I didn't realise how hard the festive season would be. I've never felt more alone. Really not looking forward to new year either, have decided to stay off of social media because I've found it really hard seeing everyone else enjoying Christmas with their families. I don't begrudge anyone else's happiness but it is hard to see.

I feel the same about new year, utterly miserable to be without the children. I think the staying off social media idea is a good one , I plan to do the same. I've been struck by how over sensitive I've felt during this festive period. Really hurt and upset by silly, thoughtless things people say e.g. at least you get 'me time' when the kids aren't with you/oh well, loads of other people are in your shoes I'd usually just brush that stuff off but my god it has made me want to punch some people this past few weeks!!

Fairly recent separation here, I have really found it hard, exhausting doing all the Christmas stuff alone and holding it together and being jolly for the kids (although they’re older). and hugs to all doing it on their own. I hope next year is easier!

Heading towards separation here & it's been difficult trying to put a front on & pretend to people over Xmas.

He's in a permanent bad mood (depression) & I had to speak to him earlier about his anger (shouting at kids etc). He is just a misery to be around & I don't have many feelings for him now.

Just totally fed up & trying to get myself in a better financial position. Saw a lawyer before Xmas & IFA - need to see Accountant next - to help work out plan.

for everyone

I was in this position last year and it was strange and discomforting. This year I am filling my time with cleaning (pre Christmas) and decorating (3 days in). I’m too knacked to analyse much but definitely in a better mental place.

Hang in there next year will be your year

Oh and last year we had a NYE chat thread in divorce and separation which was a really good thing

The permanent bad mood/depression is a hard one. I tiptoed round my ex for over a year while he claimed mindfulness, counselling (not going) meds (not taking) were not helping. All the while giving him a supposed reason for doing fuck all with the kids, plan ahead for anything etc. But he managed to have an affair and plan far enough ahead to do a runner. Ugh,total fraud, especially when he's had friends who have genuinely struggled with mental health issues. NYE chat thread sounds like a good one. Hadn't really thought through how hard that might be. It is a bloody hard time of year and I guess it's impossible for others to really know that unless they are going through it/have been through similar. Anyone got any tips for dealing with (unhelpful) feelings of rage about the OW if there is one for you? She was his affair and while I can hand on heart say that she is very welcome to him and his selfish crap, I've found it very difficult to be ok with her being with my kids during the festive period. They seem to like her, she's not a monster etc and yes all that's good but it still makes me feel absolutely horrible and sad.

How did New Year's Eve go for you?
Anyone feeling any better?

It's better now New Year is over, but 4 years on and I still find this time of year difficult.
It starts with having to make decisions with a man who despises me about where the children spend xmas, which is always horrible and continues with everyone else's lovely family Xmases being rubbed in your face.
Every year I wonder if next Xmas will be any better and it never is.

Sorry to hear that Missillusioned.
I keep wondering can one ever really leave all this crap behind once they have kids with a horrible person...

Hi, I'm at nici stage and still living with my soon to be ex, he had our son for boxing day not overnight but it was the longest me and my son where apart since birth and it was mega hard but in a way a bit of freedom too, what hurt the most was the way he didn't miss me, I didn't want him to have a horrible time without me just thought he would be missing me. My ex ignored him most of the time anyway according to our son he played with his cousin most of the day.

I can't wait to move out and have our house and free time, not creeping around and having to read upstairs as your too scared to be in the same room together, my trouble is money and I hate to say it but there it is he earns mega bucks and is only offering the minimum amount of money, we argue or disagree over everything he thinks we should be living in a run down house in a run down area too afraid to move and go out and thinks its funny. Our solicitor is doing her best but I can't get it through to my ex that having our son overnight would mean even less money and as were getting peanuts to start with what to we live on. I have been a stay at home mum for 7 years and have a job part time which I really love but now I am going to have to consider leaving it to find more hours and pay just to live.
Moving out and starting a divorce sounded great but how are we going to survive.

H left in July, seen/ spoken to him less than a dozen times in 5 months. He’s pushing divorce, mediation everything. Reasons for leaving are shit.. all because I found messages on his phone and rather than own it he blamed me and left. Christmas and new year have been awful. Never felt more alone... I’ve missed the person he was.. and the memories of the last 12 years. Have pretty much lived at my parents these last two weeks. Looking forward to going back to work on Monday for routine.
Sending love and hugs to all you wonderful people. Recently discovered MN and although not a mum I’m finding this all very helpful xxxxx

New years eve was ok. I think being prepared for feeling rubbish/ lonely at this time of year is the best you can do. Neverbetrickedagain I wonder the same thing. Hard to have to see this vile person so regularly. He uses the children in awfully manipulative ways so that's hard. Maybe as the kids get older it gets a little easier to maintain distance? I hope so anyway. AimeeFrank, hugs to you. It's still very early days. Mine is also a blamer. Just remember that it's the ultimate in cowardice. Easier to blame you than own his actions.

Nor the easiest time of year, is it?

I was working yesterday, then couldn't face the pretence of sitting up for the bells with him, so I just went to bed & felt sorry for myself.

Did things with the kids today & more plans for tomorrow, then he's back to work on Thursday. The evenings are the worst; he stays in the front room & watches sport on tv & I retreat to the bedroom with my iPad or chat to someone on the phone.

I just wish my financial position was better & I could move on.

Hugs to all you strong ladies!
CF43, I'm in a very similar position - SAHM, he is a high earner, financially abusive, making my life hell. It's particularly bad during the holidays as he is home much more and I tend to stay in kids' room and try to read. Living in a small flat makes things even worse. I don't really want to know that he is trimming his groin before leaving for his fuck fest. It's going to be tough time until we separate properly. I find it really hard to overcome the fact that this awful person is my children's father. They deserve so much better.
Dragonbreath, I'm wondering what the contact would be like in the future. That's going to be a new sort of headache. Arranging the holidays is going to be so stressful.

TheEndofIt isn't it funny how we end up retreating in the spare/kids room while they get to lounge about.
Wishing you all much better year ahead!

I could have written your post. It's not easy.

What makes me angry is that he goes off on one of his "man holidays" which is basically his way of rubbing in the fact that he can just up and leave when and how long he feels like, taking himself off on a biking holiday says byhimself. He comes back and dumps his dirty washing in front of the washing machine (not actually in it) and expects it to get washed by me. He threatens me and says he's going to take money out of my account if I don't do it. He's told everyone at work that i'm a right bitch, well I might be a doormat but that is so going to change.

We've got to go to mediation about contact time with our son, he has him for a couple hours at the weekend at the moment but last weekend when I got back from house hunting (which is another story) he was on the computer playing games our son was no-where is sight. So i asked him, he says oh I sent him round his friends house I told his mum that when she get's bored of him to send him home. Well if that's what he's going to do with him on contact time. Our son is 7 so not that old. Anyway I have informed the solicitor. What makes me angry is that he claims he is going to be having him for a couple nights a week but this is a guy that goes away on 24hr notice for work for anything from couple of nights to 4 weeks at a time and during that time does not ring or text his son to find out how he is. He's going to give me the absolute minimum amount of money possible and laughs and says well you can't have it all, got to lose at something.

Oh CF43, I feel your pain. Are we married to the same man? My STBXH had 6 trips abroad in 2018, living the high life, spending lots of money while keeping kids and me on the budget for elementary stuff. Cutting me off money if I "transgress" and threatening me often to cut off money. It's absolutely horrible. I really don't know how these men can live with themselves.

He is also asking for 50/50 custody just so that he wouldn't have to pay child maintenance. He works full time, plus has another private business that he is running and he is never home.
Have you actually gained anything from your marriage in terms of useful experience? Do you think you will know better once you start dating again?
I feel that I've realized the mistakes I made, ignoring the red flags. I see now how naive I was and I feel that I will not make the same mistakes again. However, I feel massively put off men and determined never to depend on one again.

It gets better. Much better.

This was my third Christmas divorced. And it was brilliant. Went away with the kids right before Christmas. Kept myself very busy with prep on Xmas Eve while they were with tbeir Mum, before they came back to me on Christmas Day. We had an amazing time. It helps to keep busy.

On previous years, when I was facing a Boxing Day by myself I just took off in the car and went hiking in the Peak District in the snow. Totally different to anything I'd done at Christmas before, and so I didn't feel like I was missing out at all. The great thing about being divorced is that you get to remember what YOU are passionate about. Do some of that when you would otherwise be sitting alone.

And believe me when I say that it gets far happier. Christmas was a nightmare with my ex - the whole house would be on eggshells waiting for her to explode again. These days, it's just full of laughter. It's better. Much better.