Can a marriage last when it's sexless?

[BlueEyedBengal]

Just want to know how do people cope with a sexless marriage. Can it last and how to deal with it? I have been married for 30 yrs to my husband who is 12 yrs older than me. When we married I was a month past my 20th birthday and he was nearly 13 yrs older fresh out of the army all manly and dark tanned and tattooed and I know the moment I set eyes on him at 17 yrs old he would be mine. You know the zing that they talk about I felt that. I set out to make him want me and want me he did. We married and we have many children that we love and cherish. I still love him more than anything and will never think of any other man in that way but for the last 10 yrs he has been lacking in the sex drive department and it's fading and fading until the last 3 yrs nothing. I try to do everything that I know he loved but nothing I feel like I am begging now and have not bothered for 8 months because I know he will reject me. I still have a sex drive and at 47 I am at a loss to know how to deal with a sexless and a somewhat emotionally numb marriage. Like I Dad I am 47 and he is 60. I still love him and when I dream I dream of him but I fear how will I make this work I feel rejected and lost and feel I am losing him. Some advice I would be most greatly appreciated of thank you ladies.

Of course sexless marriage can last of both people are Ok with with being that way.
Or if one person wants to stay and suppress his/her libido.

What would bother me in your place is that there isn’t an open communication about what’s going on. And/or no apparent suggestions of trying to deal with it.
Has he seen a doctor? Is there, possibly, a medical issue? A fall in testosterone - which at his age is quite understandable.
My guess is - probably not and his pride isn’t letting him deal with it.

So - it’s up to you really.
Stay and bury your libido? Ask him to get help or else? Suggest you open up your marriage and get sex elsewhere?

You have been married for 30 years, that’s quite an achievement.

I once dated an older guy, I say ‘once’ it waast year. He was 51 and his sex drive was absolutely shocking to say the least.

He could only go once over an entire weekend - and being 24, it was disappointing- you expect older guys to want it more, and it took him a long time to admit it was a problem and that he didn’t want to see a doctor because of pride.

It could just be that his body is not up to what it used to be, but him not trying at all, it seems suspicious.

Is there any other factors? Are you guys reasonably happy in the relationship otherwise or are their any issues? Do you suspect he might be, you know, with someone else?

Thank you for the different points of view this has led to me asking a few questions to him this morning. He is totally able to have sex and still has reactions, just not for me. I asked his if he still loved me and was he attracted to me and he didn't answer. I had a little heart dive and asked him if there was anyone else involved and he denied that I don't think that was truth. I am not prepared to go on in a marriage where I am neglected and will be putting a plan into action that he will be leaving. I own the house we live in it's in my name and he has a home that he rents out to tenants, so he has somewhere to go just will need to give them notice I pay all the fuel bills and council tax water tv licence he pays anything the kids need and activities food, clothing he is self employed and not short of money. He has refused to separate but why stay with someone you don't want? I will not be in a situation that I start to get hateful and shouty as I have the kids to protect I know he would start being hateful if we stay together. Solicitor is so going to be needed i think is a definitive yes.

Feel like crying but also got to keep it together with the kids being around. He has gone out since dinner time and is not answering his phone. Just also a bit numb with plans and options flying around my head. A lot of investigation is needed, it's been in front of my face and all along it was invisible to me. I must be incredibly stupid or he thinks I am.

how old are the kids?

do you think he is cheating op or just lost interest physically?

I don't know for sure about cheating. Yes I know he has lost interest I think both I do suspect that now. He does go out a lot. The ages of the kids are 28, 26, 11, 9, 8, and 5 yrs old. 4 of primary age.

Going to look on his phone tonight 8 yr old knows his code. I am not allowed to have a Facebook account silly isn't it . so I don't know what he messages to anyone. He does have a lot of opportunity be cause he's a plumber.

''I am not allowed to have a Facebook''

i think not having sex with him is the least of your problems

Sorry... not allowed what now?!?

I think you will find your own sex drive plummets at the menopuse so maybe hang on for a bit!

I know there is a lot of control that he has over me the Facebook one is one. As for the menopause if he has been unfaithful I won't be waiting around he's going.

Thank you ladies I need some waking up as I have been foolish

I am in a mixed race relationship. My children from my previous relationship are black and I am now seeing someone who is white. During a heated argument recently, my partner brought the issue of race into the equation by saying “well at least I’m not a black....” since then I cannot even look at him. Any thoughts ladies please?

I'm sorry OP it sounds as if you've woken up to what he's like. You are allowed to do whatever you damn well like, you're adult not a child.

You're still young enough to find decades of happiness and fulfilment and great sex. PS many younger men love a 40 something lover.

I wish you lots of strength and happiness

That is unforgivable of him I don't know what else to say because but to hurt you with words that can't be taken back I feel for you and low perhaps someone else can advice you with how to deal with this. As I have experience when it comes to mixed race relationships anyway I will send you a hug and wish you well

Thank you G D I will be getting more information and have a few people to chase up. Sex is the last time on my mind now . Dot the dots together and get the facts together I work so pay my own way if needs must I am lucky no mortgage and an income. He's on a lot more than me so need to get paperwork together. We also have separate accounts. Just tried to phone him and straight to answer phone. See if he comes home tonight but confronting him can wait until the kids are out of the way.

Got eldest coming round with his wife new year day for dinner how do I say anything if anything to them?

I'd just wait before saying anything....do what digging you can first

31 years married, last 2 sexless, joyless and loveless.
I shall ignore the inevitable, "why don't you just leave?" comments as I have actually thought about that and if it was that easy, i would have done it by now.
My sympathies OP

Thanks Copper I will get some strength before the poop needs to hit the fan. I will search all his paperwork p c iPad iPhone Facebook before I act.

Maybe hes depressed? Can affect a mans libido and depression not something men like to admit to or realise. I wouldnt say anything to yr dcs yet. No need to as nothings proven or happening. Dont mention anything to dh about what you suspect either as will alert him to cover up. Think men tend to become complacent and thats when they give the game away.

Thank you demented I send strength your way. I won't be leaving as I paid for this house and paid off the mortgage and it is solely in my name. He has a house he rents out to a tenant in his sole name also mortgage paid off. His house is worth £20. 000 less than mine though so will be seeking legal advice. But I am lucky that I listened to my mother in making sure I had my own income.

Yes what he doesn't know means I can get information together before as facts and evidence is a must.

OP - what do you need the evidence for? It has no bearing on legal side of things, or on financial settlement.

You seem unhappy, he isn’t attractrd to you. You have plenty of grounds for unreasonable behaviour - lack of sex should be enough.
Given that you have several young children - you’ll most likely be able to split assets such that your house - the family home stays with you and the kids.
And he won’t be homeless.

File for divorce, as it seems what you want.
You are still young enough and can meet someone.

Anyway here is an update, no evidence so asked him what was going on and he said that he didn't want to leave and loved me so much it was incredible. So my mother babysat this afternoon so we could have lunch wine and time as a couple and one time led to another and let's just we had a great time and back on track. D h said pressure of work and taking on new premises he being too busy and has promised to talk in future. We also will be going on regular date nights . I was so unhappy but the weight is now lifting. So I wish you all a wonderful New year and thank you for the advice and comments.