Please help - angry son

[Sonneedshelp]

My son has developed alopecia- seriously bad. He's also been made redundant from work, he's 26 and moved back home.

I am at a loss how to help him, he is so angry and will absolutely do nothing that I suggest. He's clearly and understandably depressed.

I've found a very local support group - he won't go, completely refuses!

I suggested counselling, he won't go.

The doctors to discuss his feelings, he won't go!

He's come to me and said he's really down, but most of the time he's so angry. I speak to him, he snaps at me, my heart is breaking for him but just what do I do?

He doing nothing at the moment, won't do much as change the covers on his bed and he's living in essentially a squat. I realise this is partly due to how he's feeling but do I insist on a level of reasonable behaviour? You know take the plates, cups out or your room etc as we now have none downstairs?

Whenever we talk it ends in him so angry with me and no matter what I say or suggest he says no. He's constantly shouting at me for what I say.

I'm so so worried and I just do not know how to handle this.

For information we have tried every treatment available and nothing is really helping!

Any ideas how as a family we live with this and help him.

do I insist on a level of reasonable behaviour? Yes. He cannot become abusive and expect there to be no consequences.

Stop suggesting things and give him an ultimatum - to continue living with you he has to act like a reasonable human being.
He has to go to the group.
He has to get up every day, wash, get dressed and do housework.
He has to see his GP and get treatment for his anger and depression.

He says he sees no future, no job, no fun.

My heart is breaking for him.

It sounds really tough. There is a good charity called Calm ( the campaign against living miserably) which is aimed at helping young men with depression. It might be worth a look, they have helplines and some good resources which might give you some tips.
The website is
www.thecalmzone.net

I think you can empathise and be sympathetic but also not tolerate him being horrible, but it's a tricky line to walk. Depression is awful. My DH was seriously low in his mid twenties and now has a great life. Things will change.

Yes, he's going through a hard time, but allowing him to be disrespect to you is ridiculous. Life is tough for everyone and if he wants his to improve then HE needs to make that happen. I would tell him that if he refuses to treat you with respect in your own home, he can leave. Stop pandering to him.

Do you have anyone else around such as his father or siblings?

I think you do need firm boundaries and calmly say he can't vent at you. Walk away of he continues.
Are you shopping, cleaning & cooking for him?

Hi sorry to hear about this. Is it definitely alopecia? I developed trichotillomania (compulsive pulling out of hair) during my parents' violent divorce. I was eventually taken to the GP when I had removed all of my eyebrows, eyelashes and had begun on my hairline. I did not let on that I was doing it to myself because I felt great shame and guilt. I was diagnosed with alopecia, which even at nine years old, I knew was incorrect. It's a very compulsive behaviour and at my worst in deep despair I have spent hours a day alone doing it. Could it be that?

Oh dear OP :-(

I feel a lot of sympathy towards what your son is going through, but none whatsoever for his behaviour.

You do need to tackle this - simply put you can't make this his new "normal" by ignoring or enabling it.

He sounds depressed and he needs to get help.

I think you need sit down with him and agree some rules.

If he's living with you, he has to pull his weight, keep his room clean, wash up after himself and most importantly treat you with respect - so no shouting/being rude etc

Explain that whilst you can't fully appreciate what he's going through, it doesn't give him the right to behave like an asshole to everyone else.

As an adult he needs to deal with what's undeniably a difficult diagnosis and its consequences (by which I mean depression) by seeking appropriate help and support. Using his family to alleviate his anger and depression is not something that can continue and if he won't seek help he needs to move out - yes time for tough love.

When someone is angry they are coming from a position of hurt. Maybe he was feeling hurt even before he lost his job and moved back in with you?

Please forgive me if you have done this already, but I think just listening to him is a good start in the right direction. There may be other issues that need airing before he can get better. Small steps. Good luck.

The advice and suggestions need to come from someone who he listens to and respects. You need a third party to make Him realise that his treatment of you is unacceptable.

Is there an uncle? Someone who you can talk to before and get to understand the bigger picture, who can then make an approach jointly with you?

Don’t stop your support just because he’s throwing it back at you.

Don’t stop your support just because he’s throwing it back at you.

Sorry I disagree with this.

Showing support isn't the same as enabling shitty behaviour and normalising it.

Many people go through difficult and life changing diagnoses and do not treat their closest family like crap - the occasional outburst through stress yes, but this ongoing pattern of behaviour and agression is not something to be "supported".

Can I suggest you contact The Samaritans too, OP, as they offer support with depression and can also help YOU with how to cope.

Does he normally leave the house?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to answer,

@lifebegins50 yes his father is here, his younger brother lives away from home with his partner.

@Geppili yes it's definitely alopecia, there is a family history but his is by far the worst.

You all seem to be saying the same things, don't accept the anger and try to maintain normal life. I will try hard to do this.

I am going to say he has to do something like the doctors or support group.

It's very hard to live with.

It is unacceptable behaviour and he is actually being abusive towards you, you should not be shouted at in your own home. You are not your son emotional punching bag.

In a way, you are enabling this behaviour by allowing him to stay in his room and wallow.

Time you and his father got tough with him. Have a conversation and let him know if he cannot treat you well then he has to leave and then you go from there.

As you would know alopecia is an autoimmune disease. There are plenty of books in the library about managing and improving things - suggest you sit down together to come up with an action plan. Diet, acupuncture etc are all worth ago and will give him something to focus on.