No communication

[Teaandbi5cuit5]

Really not sure what to do..
. Perhaps I am over reacting??

Whenever we have an argument (the big kind, not the small disagreements) my husband stops communicating with me. He will interact with the kids and do whats needs to be done around the house, but completely ignores me.
Now some women won't mind but it drives me insane!! We had an argument on Christmas day and he has been sleeping in our son's room since.

I literally cannot live without basic communication. For example, I asked my 2 year old if he was hungry to which he replied "yes". While I was waiting for the water to boil for pasta, my husband gave him a sandwich. If I hadn't walked into the living room and seen him with the sandwich, I would have proceeded with making pasta which would have gone to waste. I know it's petty but can you imagine the annoyance of little scenarios like this happening for weeks on end?? Oh Yh! He would just leave the house without saying a word! I feel like a glorified nanny/housekeeper when he does that!

He is in the other room now and I have just exploded... Basically, I told him that if he needs space after an argument then that is fine, but I will need basic communication and respect as I am still his wife and we have to maintain a relationship . He said he isn't wired that way and I said the dredded three words "I am done!"

I am now seriously contemplating leaving. I know there are worse things to leave a relationship over, but this has been going on for 4 1/2 years and I have reached the end of my tether. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him and his ego/pride.

If I go to my mother's, I feel like I am damaging the relationship and giving up. If I stay, I feel like I'm accepting his behaviour and I won't have a leg to stand on...... Please impart wisdom!

I used to live with a sucker/ignorer and it used to drive me mad so I totally understand.

Why don't you sit down later with him after the kids have gone to bed and talk it through, calmly and rationally. Talk about how you feel. And how he reacts to arguments makes you feel.

It's called stonewalling and it's hugely abusive behaviour.
He sounds horrible.
And it's an awful environment for your DC to be in as well.
This is what they will learn!
4 1/2 years is quite enough and you are totally justified in leaving.
It may also help you to read the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.
There are probably other abusive traits as well and you might find him in that book!
He needs to know it's highly abusive behaviour and that the only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship is NONE!!!
Sometime we need a bit of space after an argument but stonewalling is not OK!
What are you having BIG arguments about?
Who starts the argument?

My ExH did it early on in our relationship.
I left.
He couldn't understand it.
When I explained that we are grown ups and we can talk about things and compromise he still didn't get it.
But.... His mum had done it and that is where he had learned it from.
So he agreed to sort it out and we were together for 15 years with no repeat performances.
The difference here is that you do tell him but he just makes excuses.
This is no way to live.
It's exhausting.
So what are your next steps?

Stonewalling is abuse, as a PP said.

He’s being an intolerable prick.

Hellsbellsmelons wow what insight you have given me!

The argument on Christmas day was the fact that I had to take a rather expensive taxi to visit my mother for 2 hours ridiculous I know! Long story short, I lost my rang and screamed at him (very very wrong of me) but since then everytime I try to talk things through, I get eye rolls and zero communication....

Sorry last post wasn't clear... I had to take a taxi because 'he doesn't drive on Christmas day'

My ex was passive aggressive like this, it will destroy your mental health, OP.
I put up with it for decades, I was a wreck of a woman then I got divorced 2 years ago and it feels like I'm slowly coming alive.
I wish I'd left in the first 18months of getting married tbh.

I read somewhere that nothing works with this type of behaviour, I believe that.

Well, I just left. I told him I want to give us both some space. He agreed (non verbally)... This may sound rather juvenile, but I can't help but wonder why he didn't put up any sort of fight, or hesitation. Pride perhaps? Maybe he doesn't take me seriously or doesn't think I'm worth the hassle hmmm who cares!

Because he's actually quite abusive and won't admit to doing anything wrong.
Just as he hasn't in the past 4+ years.
He's not going to suddenly agree that he's abusive.

How long have you left for?
Did you agree an amount of time of no contact to allow you some head space?

It's tough but you either need to realise you are worth more or he needs a big wake up call and to change his ways.
With this kind of thing though, it rarely happens.
I hope you have a bit a freedom away from him.

This may sound rather juvenile, but I can't help but wonder why he didn't put up any sort of fight, or hesitation. Pride perhaps?

Because it sounds like this:

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Maybe he doesn't take me seriously or doesn't think I'm worth the hassle hmmm who cares!

Sounds like he just wants some peace and quiet?

My husband and I found ourselves in the exact same predicament not so long ago .

4 years is long enough to see how someone loves you, and that can be good.... or it can be bad, but, you will know, and sometimes, its not in the way we want but in other forms.

Speaking from experince of an abusive past its easy to hold everyone under that same scrutiny.

Food for thought... Screaming, shouting, throwing things in frustration (even when there's no target in mind)... we've all done it, (is also a form of abuse). Some DH react better to it some don't. Mine had been telling me for years how to get his undivided but it would all go out the window when mad. I went from point proven right to point execution wrong in communication. Ironic as it was me (like you) that had the communication issue, that was until we found a compromise and I realised that there was no real malice in his actions He was willing, just didn't like heated confrontations shouting and screaming (hence rolled eye, "saying here we go again!" ) but I had become so relentless in my persuit of resolution that I was backing him further into his man cave.

Think of relationships as a combination lock with no clues, that's the Beauty" and the "Beast"of all relationships.

What made you stay with him for so long, if there was no respect or communication? Or is it just when you argue?

Whatever you do hun, make sure it's the right decision for you and everything else will fall in place.

Only you know what he is really like. If he is abusive as suggested, does not respect you at all and refuses to communicate, then by all means get out. You should never be held to physical or emotional manipulation.

My Dh says "If it is just communication and respect then both should find a way to give, in the way you want to receive when you reach an impasse. Respect works both ways"

Let us know what you decide sugar xoxo