I don't know how to leave

[neverknew]

Together 25 years and the loneliness is crushing but I don't know how to leave.

Partner built up massive debt years ago, I found out by chance and still don't know what he did with the money, and I was trapped with a mortgage and child with ASD. Fast forward 15 years and I simply live with someone I share bills with. I don't love him. I don't even like him anymore. At no point has he ever acknowledged the impact it had. I don't even care that he's paid it off, it makes no difference now. At the moment he hasn't spoken for 2 days because I disagreed with him, I actually feel relieved. My son living at home doesn't show any signs of caring about me and has told people he thinks I am a terrible person.

After all this time, it sounds ridiculous but I'm struggling to see the wood for the trees to work out what I need to do to leave. I feel like I've been living a half life just as a shell of me for 15 years and I can't do it any more. I have had no affection in my life for the best part of 2 decades, I can't spend the rest of my life like this.

Please help me see how do I even start to unravel myself from this and leave?

So sorry you feel this way.

Practicalities - do you have a job? Who owns the house? What is the mortgage outstanding?

I work full time and it is a joint mortgage. We got together in my late teens so I've never even rented on my own.

My heart goes out to you nevernew, I’m very much in the same position and haven’t got a clue how I can leave.

Are you married?
It might be worth looking at what separation would look like.
Call some family solicitors in your area and find out if any offer a free half hour.
Does he earn more than you?
Can your DC live independently?

How old is your son now? Do you have equity in the house? What is the rent on a two bed flat where you are? Could you afford that plus part of the mortgage? Do you have any friends if family you could stay with?

Ultimately, you'll need to take legal advice about the potential final settlement. A lot depends on your son and custody.

You need to begin imagining life on your own. Do you imagine a little place of your own? Do you want to continue living with your son (how old is he?) Do you want to stay in the house you live in now and have your partner move out? (This would be a little trickier as you would need to negotiate with him.)

The simplest way (and this is what I did when I decided to split from ex-h) would be for you to organise a rental property for yourself. You will need to have a deposit and a months rent saved up. A deposit is usually a months rent plus £100. You will probably need to pay for a credit check (about £100 ) but if this is a problem due to the historical debt issue there are ways around it - use a guarantor or pay 6 months rent upfront. Some private landlords don’t do a credit check anyway - try Gumtree for these. (Those that use letting agents do use credit checks.) After that you need to pay for moving costs (man with van is cheapest) and any new things you need to buy such as furniture - but remember that the furniture in your current house is as much yours as his so you are entitled to take some of it with you.

You don’t need to explain yourself to him. You don’t owe him anything. He obviously doesn’t think he owes you any explanation for what happened to the money he borrowed or why he did it or even apologise. You can just organise yourself and go.

When I did this, I just took it a day at a time. I would give myself a couple of little jobs I would set myself to achieve each day (eg ring the letting agent and find a certain document) and try not to think about the bigger picture as it all seemed like too much. It took around 3 months of doing this to get to the point of moving out. I have never been more proud of myself than I was that day for having made it all happen by myself, by simply chip chip chipping away at it day by day.

Your first jobs can be looking at properties online and imagining your new life.

Fly my pretty. Fly xxx