I'm always the one initiating contact with my friends. Is that normal?

[WaterBird]

I'm currently in my third year at a uni. I have a disability which I have lived with all my life and learned to deal with, but would be very apparent if you met me.
I have always felt a little "different" and was one of these kids who finds it hard to connect to peers but found it very easy to have relationships with older adults. I am also not one for parties/late nights at uni.
While I have made lots of friends at uni, I'm always the first one to try to arrange spending time together or even just to chat by text. My friends seem to have a very good time with me, but sometimes I wonder why I always have to be the first to initiate contact. I'm finding this to be the case with many of my family members too, with the exception of my parents. I can't help wondering if some just say yes because they pity me for my disability.
It's also worth mentioning that I have more solitary interests, and many of them enjoy group-based activities, so I end up having more time to spare than many of them do.
Could the fact that people are never the first to initiate indicate that they actually would rather spend time with someone else? Or is it normal?
Sorry this is so long.

How frequently do you contact them? It may be a simple case that they never get far enough to think about arranging anything. For example I only see most friends a few times a year so if someone started wanting to arrange something every month they would probably always contact me as I would be happy to wait. And it wouldn't be personal about them at all....as in this case I don't see anyone else in between either so it's not like I have better friends they're being ditched for.

Is your disability relevant? Apologies but you mention it so I'm assuming it may affect your functioning socially or you wouldn't have? But it's not clear (and could be completely irrelevant?)

Apologies you mentioned about pity for your disability. Seems unlikely (I think/hope). At least it definitely sounds like the sort of thing most people without any disability also experience so I wouldn't assume that.

Thanks so much for your reply.
I probably contact them too often? (usually every few weeks), but as it's still uni and none of us have our own children I would have thought maybe they'd have more time.
You're right though, I'm probably contacting them too often.

It's good to know that my disability may not be relevant. It makes some day-to-day aspects of life difficult but I have learned to live with it.

Just to add, I guess I have always felt that I constantly need to stay in touch with friends so that the friendship doesn't fizzle out.

I doubt it’s your disability i’m in the same role with my friends - I think people just get used to you being the one to get in touch, my friends are busy (work/kids) but when I contact them they are always pleased and happy to meet up so I don’t really mind being the initiator any more

And tbh I think you do need to keep on as you are if it’s the status quo unless you tell them - Friends I have stopped contacting tend to not realise until quite a while has past, then they notice but feel too embarrassed to call or assume you don’t want to see them anymore - I got a Christmas card from a friend I’ve not seen this year for this exact reason because she misses me so we will meet up again soon... I will probably arrange it

I agree with dirtybadger that different people have different contact thresholds, I've noticed that some of my friends are almost always first to initiate with me and others I am. Mine varies massively depending on how busy I am and how demanding my more demanding friends are being - I don't resent them (it's still within healthy boundaries, just as you sound) but because I'm fairly introverted if I've had lots of phone calls with friend A I will naturally not feel inclined to reach out to friend B for longer, if that makes sense. I'm aware that I've got a few friends in my "really must contact, its been ages" mental file at the moment! I also think that subconsciously if people are used to somebody else initiating contact it's easier to leave it that way for them, so you might find this is always the case, without the reason being anybody feeling sorry for you or not really wanting to spend time with you. My parents were a prime example when I was at uni - They NEVER rang me, ever. They were both semi retired, and we were/are very close, and whenever I rang it was SO lovely to hear from me it's been ages, but they never rang and hardly ever text ... they always said it was because they didn't know if I was busy when they would have rang, and no amount of "but mum that's the point of mobile phones/trying a call or text to find out!" ever convinced them otherwise.

Tldr; I think sometimes people are just not the initiators, and it's not indicative of anything negative, just habit.

@FauxFox
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your perspective, that makes me feel a lot better.

@SubSpace
Thank you for that. My friends sound like your parents. Glad to know you still have a great relationship.

Your messages about my disability not being a factor are very encouraging. My ex-BF (prize twat), is the one who told me that people only wanted to spend time with me out of pity.

I also think it's probably not about your disability but likely more to do with them liking group activities, nights out, parties etc and that not being your bag so they'll have less reason to get in touch if it's not because you're doing something in particular with them, and maybe you're less embedded in their day to day lives with your more solitary/less sociable activities. It's tricky to find the right friends who aren't that sociable yet are good at keeping in contact, and explains why you've fared better with older people who can be less caught up in their own lives and think about you more. I wouldn't say you contact your friends too much. If you want more contact, I'd initiate that and assume they like you, but maybe say something casually if you want them to arrange something rather than you. Nothing accusatory or needy, just that you know you're not a party animal but you love spending time with them so they can always call you for a coffee, or whatever.

Sorry to hear your feeling like this.
Having a disability or on going chronic illness is hard and it's hard to keep genuine friends.
I've learnt over the years, that I have to not be so demanding in a friendship despite having a lot of time on my hands. It's very very, hard but the more I do it, I've noticed more people responding and making an effort, when I give them space and lower my expectations.
It's also wise to have your own boundaries. I've made many mistakes of giving lots of people time and then it's affected my anxiety and lowered my mood.
I don't know what advise to really give other than share my experiences and to let you know it's not you and you are not alone.

Sorry for getting back to this thread late, you so much for the additional replies. PP you have hit the nail on the head on how I have felt. In a way I'm glad to know I'm not alone, but also it's sad that others have experienced this as well. Thanks again.

Yes i think a lot of people feel this way at times, disability or not. Just feelings of loneliness isn’t it.

I’d feel a lot more like this in my 20s when my self esteem was a little shaky and MH poor.

I think now I just have seen so many people come and go from my life, it doesn’t bother me so much.

The one thing I do do is keep expanding my horizons - new hobbies, courses etc. - helps with self esteem & meeting new people.

OP your ex is a tool - what a vile thing to say.

I doubt it’s your disability. To put a different perspective on it, I have a few friends that I never contact first and they always have to contact me. I also have other friends who I am always the one to contact and they rarely initiate making plans first. I value these friends the same it’s just they’re more/less organised/thoughtful that me, some have more time, some have less time and for some cases that’s just the roles we’ve naturally fallen into in our friendships.

As long as they’re still meeting up with you when you ask there’s no need to worry! If you were asking all the time and they were saying no all the time I’d then say it was time to think about moving on.

I am terrible for being the one who always makes contact and with the benefit of age and hindsight my eagerness created the dynamic where they knew I would contact them. So there was no need for them to do so. It's not intentional as such but happens subconsciously. Try to ease back a little and let people contact you. Be self sufficient and content in your own company in the meantime. It's a nice personality trait to have but it can over time result in people taking that eagerness for granted so best to try nip it in the bud.

Thank you all for the support.
@Reflelexella
It's good to know that as you have gotten older you have gotten used to people coming and going from your life. Right now this idea almost scares me. I sometimes wonder what the point of having friends is when they often just drift apart from you later. I know that's my issue, and something I need to work on. I don't know why the idea of people leaving my life scares me so much (no abandonment from parents or anything like that), but I guess that is something that I can look into.