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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've actually told his mother!

23 replies

whynot93 · 28/12/2018 06:27

So here we are .. half way through the festivities and the MIL visit (which I usually dread). Today we went out for lunch together and I did something that's thrown me right back to d.day almost a year ago.

Up until now I've told no one in RL what my husband has done. His lying and cheating have destroyed me inside and I'm clinging on for the sake of my kids and financial stability..
of course she was shocked, her wonderful son it turn out is the same as his vile father who lied and cheated on her for 30 years!! My husband was outside with the kids playing, we sat there putting the pieces together.. I made it clear I had all the evidence so she's under no illusions I'm not making this shit up. (Honestly you couldn't)!

My husband then drove her home, I suddenly started to panic about what she might say to him in the car. Anyway he returned and nothing was said / or if it was she's not saying.. But today we get to spend the whole day at her house (pretending all is fine and dandy). Help!

OP posts:

Auntiepatricia · 28/12/2018 06:34

Don’t be like her, don’t put up with it for 30 years. Her knowing might feel like a win but it changes literally nothing for you. New year, new plan. Get started on leaving him.

blackcat86 · 28/12/2018 06:39

All her knowing really achieves is that if you choose to LTB she'll be under no illusion as to why. It probably feels quite good to open up about it but ultimately it's what you do to break the cycle that counts.

Original poster

whynot93 · 28/12/2018 06:48

I feel like it's a huge step forward for me, up until now I've been ashamed to admit all this mess to anyone. It matters not what she says or does but I just couldn't have her thinking her delightful son was the model husband and father anymore.

OP posts:

MulledWineAndCamembert · 28/12/2018 06:56

I feel like it's a huge step forward for me

I understand why it feels like it is. I really do. But it's not. It changes nothing for you.

Auntiepatricia · 28/12/2018 07:02

OP, one other thing. Please be prepared for her to totally let you down and completely sweep the information under the carpet and even possibly push you away. She put up with her husband doing this so she will absolutely likely ignore her beloved son doing it. I’m sorry but the problem is that you are staying in the relationship, nothing will fix that or make it more bearable other than leaving. Can we help with making some initial plans?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 28/12/2018 07:07

I doubt she will want to rattle the cage - she must be anxious about whether you are thinking of leaving him and what this means for her in terms of contact with the DGC. Also it’s new information to her, she’ll need to process it.

I agree with posters who say nothing has actually changed, though it feels momentous. The question is, what are you going to do now?

NameChangerAmI · 28/12/2018 07:17

So you've known about this for a year, OP?

Are you planning on repeating the pattern indefinitely?

I hope you don't think any of this is your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of personally, OP, though I can understand you being ashamed of your DH for what he's done.

It must have been incredibly difficult, almost impossible, to get through this last year having told no none, and now, only his mother, 23 months after you initially found out.

bertielab · 28/12/2018 07:17

She put it up with it for 30 years and taught her DC that cheating lying behaviour is fine as your spouse won't leave.

What are you going to do?

Are you going to do the same as her and teach your DC that you can do whatever you like to your spouse as they will put up and shut up.

Likewise if DM put up and shut up-she might expect you to do the same and not rock the boat.

It might be time to learn to swim -get a solicitor -get out. Liars don't change. Trust has gone. Time to jump and swim. New year -new start? Kick him out. Black bin bags -I've told your mother -off you go.

NameChangerAmI · 28/12/2018 07:19

And I can understand why it feels momentous to you. After keeping that revelation secret for 12 months, you have made a massive step.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2018 07:20

I agree with pps. I don’t think it’s going to make a blind bit of difference beyond your mil being concerned about with your dcs if you split. She may well be lovely to you but it is very likely to close ranks on you if you do.

NameChangerAmI · 28/12/2018 07:21

As someone upthread said, your mil is likely to want to sweep it under the carpet. If she chose to turn a blind eye to her husband, she will almost certainly do the same for her DS.

What was MIL's reaction when you told her?

Silkie2 · 28/12/2018 07:21

Now open up to other people. Keeping secrets really does add to stress, you are constantly putting on a face (happy wife) when inside you are probably seething and hurt.

Original poster

whynot93 · 28/12/2018 07:50

She was genuinely shocked. She spent an awful long time talking about how her own husband treated her and how regretful she was about wasting 30 years of her life on him. I fully expect her to brush it under the carpet, most definitely so! My plan remains the same - new house increased hours wfh / self employed and then I shall make that move. There's a reason I needed her to know.. this man is very good at lying, she'd believe him and no doubt when I kick his sorry ass out she would take his side and a whole heap of lies (she may still do so) but she knows I have the evidence and speak the truth.

OP posts:

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/12/2018 08:04

Learn by her mistakes. Your dh is a victim of watching his dp dynamics and he’s learnt how to treat women because he had to stay in this toxic environment. Don’t teach your dc to become either him, or if you have a dd, to end up accepting a relationship like you do.

DianaT1969 · 28/12/2018 08:21

Staying in your situation depletes confidence and erodes sef-worth in my opinion. You've already lived this way for a year. Do you really need to continue?
Are you already self-employed and working from home? Have you checked what benefits you might be entitled to if you separate? Working tax credits etc. Lots of knowledgeable people on here if you want suggestions.

babbi · 28/12/2018 08:32

Echo what the others say re leaving etc ..
However another thing jumped out at me when you say you needed her to know what’s happened etc ...
be prepared to leave for you and NOT explain yourself / answer to anyone ...
this is your life ... don’t make things worse for yourself emotionally by fretting re opinions of others ... what others think or say is not relevant ... look after yourself and your children

Lolorolomolo · 28/12/2018 09:14

I have found that parents in law have a very strange ability to stick heads in sand when told this sort of thing, it really is quite unbelievable

Still good to have told though

Sisterlove · 28/12/2018 09:20

I think that's a huge step actually despite what pp are saying.

Well done for telling her and keep your plans going.

I'm assuming the betrayal was too much for you to forgive or that he's not pulling out all the stops in his remorse.

category12 · 28/12/2018 09:28

I agree it's a big step forward. It was only when I started telling people that I began to move forward out of my marriage, so bloody well done, op.

Original poster

whynot93 · 28/12/2018 11:21

@Sisterlove indeed.. I'll never forgive, forget or trust again. I just have to jump when the time is right for financial reasons. Very easy for others to say ltb and I get it totally but I will ensure all is in place before I play that trump card.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/12/2018 11:32

I'm sorry your husband let you down in this monumental fashion.

For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing to plan and secure your position.

I would be very wary of the MIL alerting him, he will begin thwarting your plans if he is given the option to.

Ninja mode moving forward. Good luck.

Renarde1975 · 28/12/2018 11:57

What what?

She spent more time talking about her???

THAT is being extraordinarily self centred when you're the one in crisis! There could he a reason she could put up eith 30 years, she just didnt care.

If a son of mine had done that to his wife, I wouldn't even get in the car. The least of his worries...

Sisterlove · 28/12/2018 13:22

Very easy for others to say ltb and I get it totally but I will ensure all is in place before I play that trump card

Exactly. Keep your cards close to your chest.

I read some of your previous threads after posting - she was half his age and he was living a double life working away.

Yeah... I wouldn't be able to come back from that. He'd have to bring down the moon and move mountains.

Did he confess or you found out? Has he been remorseful?

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