PILs driving me potty-please help

[pugballon]

Hi All. I’ve name changed for this. I am increasingly unhappy atm due to how I feel about my PILs.

When we see them, they persist in speaking their first language (they moved to the UK 25 years ago) - I am trying to learn this, but it’s a difficult one with a completely different character set and it’s hard to make progress as DH and I lapse into speaking into English together. (I do speak 3 languages, incidentally, so not a complete dunce...this one is just a bit hard!) So I am just sat there like a lemon whilst they talk and laugh around me. DH does translate when he remembers but gets distracted eating/responding to them and I frequently feel bored and left out. My DH has asked them to speak in English when I am around but they have said no.

My FIL barely acknowledges my presence-I have been married 4 years and I am lucky to get a hello or goodbye. MIL will speak English when she is speaking to me directly, but I feel very uncomfortable when she does. A few examples: she told me that her granddaughter (my DH’s sister’s child) “was much much prettier than you on your wedding day”; “why have you not had children yet - you must be infertile?” “why are you pleased with getting a degree (whilst working full time) - you could have just read a book”. She is continually fishing for praise, and if this is not forthcoming will simply reel off her achievements (in particular raising DH and SIL and taking credit for all they have done).

Separately, I find them self-absorbed and controlling. DH and I popped out for a walk recently and he didn’t take a call from FIL as we had just sat down in a cafe. Cue many missed calls and much abuse at DH for “ignoring” him.
MIL buys excessive amounts of expired food and cheap clothes we wouldn’t choose ourselves and keeps dropping them round to our house. We went away for a couple of days last week and she called DH repeatedly to complain of chest pain. DH was so worried as MIL’s mum died of a heart attack, but she managed to go out for dinner that evening, and now that we are back she is absolutely fine. Also MIL wants to see us regularly, would like to be invited to everything we do and is continually badgering us to go on holiday with them - I try and limit my exposure to them, but when I do see them it is excruciating.

I am so sorry if it comes across as moany or mean, I have tried so hard to be honest and not exaggerate, but I am just so tired of feeling like this. I’ve read Toxic In Laws and had counselling but these haven’t helped much. I have recently found out that I am pregnant and would like to feel stronger in myself before the baby comes (am keeping everything crossed that all will progress OK).

I can't offer any advice OP.
IME it only gets worse.
Sorry.

@endofthelinefinally oh deary me - you're not married to my SIL, are you?! In all seriousness though, I am sorry to hear that. are you OK? (I would pm you but not a clue how to do that on the app)

Leave now for the sake of you and your child, make a fresh start away from this all

I stuck with it. But my MIL was appalling. She did so much damage. I cant say more on here. I love DH and he has stepped up in recent years. PIL dead and gone now. I often wonder how my life would have been if I had left though. I know that sounds terrible but honestly, MIL was an evil, narcissistic person.

I have seriously daydreamed about it @Whyarealltheusernamestaken, but DH is actually a decent chap and will make a great dad, he just doesnt know what it's like to have normal parents. Why should I let these people ruin my marriage? Also it's not as easy as that - if we split, I'd have to share the baby with DH anyway and they could have unsupervised access to my child 😱

I'm so sorry @endofthelinefinally. That - she - sounds awful. I hope you don't mind but I am sending you unmumsnetty hugs and also best wishes that things will improve for you now that she has passed on.

That is more or less why I stayed.
She still did a lot of damage to my eldest. We moved away after having our second dc and saw less of them.
FIL was a lovely man but completely dominated by MIL.

In some cultures daughters-in-law are never fully accepted into their DH’s families and are tolerated at best. Best to let your DH take the lead in all family events and just don’t engage.

@endofthelinefinally - well done you. Maybe I should try and put some physical distance between us (just worried about Brexit and house prices...)
To be fair to MIL, she is devoted to her two granddaughters - you have made a good point tho. I normally sit in stunned silence when she says things to me and try and laugh it off, then get increasingly upset and angry with DH later, but I am determined that if she ever said anything to make my DC feel bad about themselves I would like to think that I would call her out on it in no uncertain terms.

@Cherries101 - thanks. I am not sure about it being a cultural thing with these two, I think it's more that they don't give a stuff about anyone that's not blood related.
Have you any tips on how not to let these people get to me?!

The only person who can do anything about it is your DH.

You say your DH stepped up, @endofthelinefinally - what did this look like, and was he able to do it before MIL passed away?

She thought he had gone out and was having one of her raging, screeching tantrums at me. He heard it. He then supported my efforts to protect myself and dc from her. It got better but still difficult.
Our lives would gave been so much better without her awful behaviour.
I honestly don't know what else I could have done other than leave. Once you have a child it makes everything much harder.
Maybe marriage counselling would help, but maybe your DH thinks there is no problem.

Thanks @endofthelinefinally. That sounds bloody awful and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
DH and I had counselling in the first year of our marriage. The woman at Relate was rubbish, though - she told me to hurry up and learn their language, and made excuses for my FIL saying he was shy.
DH acknowledges that there is a problem, but he does love them and so minimises things I think. Take MIL claiming to be ill thing-he won't accuse her of faking it just in case there is something genuinely wrong, he wouldn't forgive himself. They're no nicer to him but he's had many years to get used to them and genuinely doesn't seem wounded / put out by any of their behaviour.

Oh yes. Pretending to be ill. Classic.

MIL became ill every single time she didn't get her own way.

Hopeful bump for the morning crowd

So many similarities with my MIL unfortunately! I know how hard it is.
And it's only got worse, especially after I got pregnant. She's very manipulative. My DH is stuck in FOG.
There's no doubt my DH has suffered all his life from it. I'm doing my absolute best to protect my child! Although they are starting to pick up on things.

It's such a difficult situation.
The only way I can cope now is by maintaining Low contact. I have their emails automatically diverted into a separate folder so they don't spring at me in my inbox as a surprise. I've told DH that I'm not answering them any more to protect my mental health and stop us arguing.
I don't participate in the weekly call (aka their self-absorbed complaining monologues). I try to have other things on when they are visiting.
You can't change them. You can only change how you react to them.
Check out the Stately Homes thread in Relationships - you might find it useful.

My son is getting married soon and if he ever heard any of his family trying to treat his fiance the way you're being treated he would go ballistic and probably never speak to the person doing it ever again. As he should. Your DH needs to massively step up imo.

I'm surprised you're bringing a child into this before your DH has stepped up to protect you from his 'D'M.

Thank you @Purplebutterfly320 for the really helpful post. I'm so sorry you're going through similar, though. I want to reduce contact further-will check out the Stately Homes thread too.

I’d start with ‘dh English please’ every single time. Aside from that limit time with them as much as possible

I would just not visit except on important dates like birthdays. They don’t want to see you so won’t mind. Just say you are busy at work or something.

I can see your point @GertrudeCB. Without defending my DH, I think you are looking at this from the standpoint of a reasonable, nice person - and have obviously raised your DS the same way, and it's different for DH and family. My DH says they are a peculiar combination of their own upbringing and quite difficult, selfish personalities, and try as he might he can't really get them to change. His view is that I should just ignore them as their opinion / behaviour shouldn't matter to me - I see his point, but it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

@RyderWhiteSwan I was waiting for someone to come on and tell me that. I assume that you had the perfect partner, family and friends, support network, home, financial set up/job before you had any DC? I am so damn lucky to have a lovely life excepting these people and I have always wanted DC, I wasn't going to put off having my own family because of these two.