Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband abandoned me and dd

21 replies

ToddtheCat · 28/12/2018 00:45

My husband (who's in the forces) came home on the 18th of December from the base he's assigned to. I was excited to see him and left work early to pick up our daughter from nursery to see him.

We got home and she ran into his arms yelling daddy, the rest of the evening went as normal. We cuddles on the sofa and kissed, he put our daughter to bed and went to the shop to get something's I'd forgotten to get. Then he announced he was leaving me. The reason he gave was he didn't love me the way a husband should love a wife, just as a friend and the mother of his child. He'd been going to counseling ever since our daughter was born (about a year and a half) about it and he's decided the best thing is to end the marriage.

Not once had he mentioned anything to me... He's been saying he loves me etc except that night, 2 days before our third wedding anniversary, he has a 20 minute conversation with me and then leaves to return to his base away. He also took nearly £70,000 from our bank accounts leaving me homeless and destitute. I'm back with my parents as I have no right to stay in the service accommodation we were living in anymore.

I am so hurt by all of this. I don't even know where to start.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2018 01:10

I am so sorry this sounds awful.I think as much as he has hurt you with this thoughtless, horrible behaviour, I would think about the financial side. Can you get some emergency legal advice about this £70K?

"I have no right to stay in the service accommodation we were living in anymore." How do you know this, did he tell you or someone official.

If you are legally married and he is the father of your child I would quite surprised if the army is allowed to kick you out of your home? Anyway, please get all the legal advice you can.

I am so sorry.

Sad
Rainbowqueeen · 28/12/2018 01:21

I’m sorry too

It must be such a shock

It also sounds like he has been planning this for a while. I second getting advice and getting it quickly. From your post it sounds like he took all your joint money. Not on. I know you must be a mess but please get onto this ASAP. He is clearly not a nice man and fully intends to screw you and your DD over
Take someone to appointments as support and to help you with questions

Hopefully someone from the forces can give you some advice about who to contact there.
Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2018 01:33

PS The army must be involved, they are his employer and I would imagine they would want to know one of their own has treated his wife and child so appallingly. I may be naive but I would hope they would care.

Thanks
DeRigueurMortis · 28/12/2018 01:57

He's way ahead of you and as upset as you are you need to play catch up.

Firstly, make sure you have copies of all financial info you can get your hands on - including the withdrawal of the £70k. Equally any and all other important documents (birth certificates, passports etc)

Then go and see a solicitor ASAP. You can look on the law society website for divorce specialists in you local area - many give a free first hour consultation. If you don't get a good "vibe" go see someone else. You need someone whose going to fight your corner.

Contact army welfare (not forces so don't know the correct term) but seen enough threads to know that the army won't "kick you out" of your accommodation without notice and support.

I know you probably want to just cuddle up in a bundle and wish this away but it's not going to happen.

You need to seize the initiative away from him by taking action ASAP.

This hasn't happened overnight for him. He's months ahead of you and you need to catch up - find your inner anger and resolve.

Most likely he's already met someone else and is planning on using that 70k of martial assets to start anew - well he's damn well got a surprise waiting for him as taking that money will not do him any favours if it comes to court.

In short, stay as calm as you can and take control. You are not powerless. You're still the mother of his child and he has legal and financial obligations to you (which the army will uphold).

Know your rights, that gives you back power and control.

DeRigueurMortis · 28/12/2018 02:00

Re: army accommodation I suspect the OP's DH told her she had to move out - can you confirm?

From what I understand the army wouldn't force a move in this way without support.

He's likely gaslighting her to move the OW I'm tbh....

AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2018 02:45

I'm in the US and an ex-army wife. We were always told if there was domestic trouble to contact the shithead's commanding officer first and start from there.

You really, really need to speak to a solicitor. If he's cleaned out a joint bank account he could be in deep trouble as it's a marital asset. Also, you need to file a claim for child maintenance with CMS. But again, another reason to contact the shithead's CO.

As far as the army accommodation, I don't know the UK rules. Here accommodation is (or was) for married couples only, single personnel (or married but family living elsewhere) lived in barracks, 'dorms', or off-base. So he can't just move an OW in if his legal wife has moved out.

Problem is, he's waaayyyy ahead of you on this. He's had a year in which to make all these plans. He's just now carrying out what he's been plotting for over a year. You really can't afford to break down now. There will be time later, I promise you. But right now, you need to pull it together and become proactive. I don't mean to sound harsh or unsympathetic, I know your world has been turned upside down. But it's up to you to right it, right now.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2018 02:54

I found this:

aff.org.uk/advice/family-life/separation-and-divorce/

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 28/12/2018 02:59

Did you mention the affair in this??

Doobee · 28/12/2018 05:02

You need legal advice ASAP. Go see a solicitor. Half of that 70 grand is yours! You are married and have rights. Google solicitors in your area today and ring and book an appointment

ApolloandDaphne · 28/12/2018 05:40

You need legal advice ASAP. He can't just take all the joint money and leave you and your DD destitute. What a bastard.

ControversyisSubjective · 28/12/2018 05:56

I second legal advice asap.
It sounds like OW.
Legally they can't kick you out if your joint home.
Also that money is joint. He can't just take it.

Kelpies · 28/12/2018 06:01

OP really sorry to hear you are in this position.

You are allowed to stay in service accommodation for up to 90 days after your ex alerts his clerk that his status has changed. Definitely contact his welfare officer. If you google the name of his barracks then you should get a contact number and someone will be able to put you in touch with welfare.

Good luck!!

KathyBates · 28/12/2018 06:28

Hi, like Kelpies said you get 90 days, I think in some circumstances you can be granted a second 90 day period. After this I think if you haven't moved out then they start eviction procedures and you get charged full market rate.

See if they have a hive on base that can offer advice and put you in touch with solicitors or free relate sessions if interested.

Birdie6 · 28/12/2018 06:29

You didn't have to move straight away. You need to contact the Army Welfare Office - you actually have 3 months to live in your army house after a separation. I can't imagine who told you that you had to move out straight away - was it your husband ? Get in touch with Army Welfare and don't let yourself be pushed around.

Marthymoomar · 28/12/2018 06:37

Ex army wife here. His behaviour sounds incredibly extreme and abusive. As others have said it’s crucial that you ring the welfare officer for his unit. Has he been overseas this year or in recent years? Whilst it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, army families have different issues to contend with. He might be unwell and need help - currently that’s NOT your responsibility, but it is his units and they need to check on his welfare. My DH came back from his second tour of afghan a very, very damaged man - lots of odd and extreme behaviour, lots of self sabotage of all relationships around him. SAAFA were absolutely phenomenal to me when I needed help - they have legal advisors/ social workers all sorts there which you are entitled to access as someone married to a serving soldier.

As others have mentioned, you get three months in your quarter from the point you notify the army of your separation, but I understand you might not want to be there currently, if it’s miles from your support network.

From my experience your husband will want to try and distance this from his work, his behaviour currently does not uphold some of the key principles of the service (honesty, integrity etc) - take a deep breath, pick up the phone and tell them.

You’ve got this.

Mooey89 · 28/12/2018 06:38

Sorry you’re going through this OP.
Start with army welfare. Do not move out.
You can also contact SSAFA who will be able to give you advice.
I think it’s likely there’s an OW, I’m sorry.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 28/12/2018 06:44

Having read that army welfare report, I think he has kicked you out ASAP so that he no longer has to pay rent. Where is all your stuff by the way op?
Also, do not get divorced until his army pension is sorted out. As the website says: it is the biggest asset.

SanitysSake · 30/12/2018 05:28

Straight to the Chief of Staff. Seriously.

hamzilla · 30/12/2018 05:38

Whyareltgeusernamestaken what are you implying?

OP I hope you're okay. There's some good advice on this thread, I hope you follow it. You must be in shock, but it appears that your husband has lied to you regarding the house. Contact welfare and get the facts.

WeeWheels72 · 30/12/2018 08:11

You need to speak to someone in the welfare office. You have 90 days after he has put in the forms, claiming to be separated! He could also put in that you are still not sure that your def separting, which would give you a further 90 days on top off that, to live there. What a shite for pushing you out, when you don't have to. Please talk to the welfare! Also as you are married.....you can get half of his lump sum when he leaves the army, if he does his full years, these are things you need good advice on, and welfare can help you with these questions, or a good S. As for that amount of money being taken, get copies, and by god, take him for that.

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2018 13:02

@ToddtheCat how are you doing? Please let us know how things are going? Thanks

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread