DM always bigging up DB. AIBU to be sick of hearing it?

[Lipsticktraces]

DB is 42 and I’m a few years younger.

He’s had mental health problems all his life. Hadn’t worked since he was 20. I also believe him to be on the autistic spectrum although no formal diagnosis has been made.

I’ve spend my entire life hearing about his problems from my parents/family. I’m not without my own issues, including self harming for years, ongoing depression etc.

I rarely see him and none of the family have even been allowed in his home for about a year now. He claims to be decorating He usually comes to my parents for dinner on Sunday, but will leave almost the second he’s finished unless I shame him into staying longer. He never offers to wash up, bring a dessert etc. He hardly ever visits them apart from this and lives five minutes away.

All this would be fine with me if it wasn’t for my DM and her incessant bigging up of him. I’m always been told how much he cares about me, loves me etc. You can often spend less than five minutes in DMs company before she’ll be mentioning him out of nowhere and bigging him up.

I had twins in August. DB has probably seen them five times since they were born and is too scared to hold them Yet I’m forever being told how taken he is with them, how good he is with them etc.

It was my birthday yesterday and DM and DF came over to kindly babysit while DH and I went out for a few hours. DB came with them and we later found out spent the time we were away on DH new PlayStation without even asking permission first. When we got back the first thing DM said was how good DB is with the twins!!!

DM came over today and as I was tidying away Xmas gifts she mentioned what a generous present my DB has gotten us. In reality what he bought us wasn’t the model we asked for (it was a present for twins) and is no good for the purpose we require. Perhaps childishly I said this to DM as I’m so sick of hearing her big him up. She put my DS down on couch quickly enough to make him cry and started shouting at me about how nothing DB ever does is good enough for me. How I don’t understand his problems etc. I’m afraid I lost it and yelled back about how bloody sick I am of hearing about my DB. It culminated in my DM barging out of the house.

AIBU? I am so fed up of having to listen to my DBs praises being constantly sung. DM is really good at making me feel guilty about it, but if she just stopped going on about him all the time then these arguments wouldn’t happen!

Hand her a cloth and suggest she polishes his halo every time she claims he is a Saint.
Would have me launching her out of the door - or just not inviting either of them.

Haha Santa. That’s a very tempting suggestion

You did the right thing.

Don’t buckle. Stay calm. Don’t get too drawn in. You have your own family and your own life.

I empathise, OP. My dm does the same. She asks about my dh and I am allowed 15 words before she interrupts to tell me about my db, who I can't stand,for very good read. Drives me nuts.

Could you just laugh every time he mentions his name? . If she asks you why you're laughing, you can say "he's amazing!" and don't be drawn. Maybe thats a bit childish. But maybe she'll get the message - you obviously hit a nerve if she slammed your baby down .

If all else fails, just tell her to stop going on about him, its boring you to death.

I suppose, deep down, is it hurtful she talks about him, but neglects you? Would she understand that? Or is she just an idiot?

I meant "she mentions his name"!

Same here. One of my brothers is always brought up by my Mum whenever I open my mouth. He’s always done something better etc and his son ( he has 2 girls and one boy) is also the most amazing grandchild, better then my daughter and any of her other female grandchildren. I personally think she has a problem with me and all females, though she seems to like my brother’s wife a bit.

Is it just a DM phenomenon then? I feel enraged on behalf of you all!

I’ve told her before that I get sick of hearing about him. She improves for a while, but then it goes right back to square one.

I feel like there’s no boundaries. He plays my DH brand new PS4 without asking and that’s fine I also mentioned that I’d really appreciate him and DF waiting for door to be answered when they come round instead of just walking in. They did it yesterday and I’d only just put my boobs away from BF twins on couch. Again I’m made out like I’m being unreasonable!

Ibab interesting you should say that as my DM doesn’t really like women either. She’s only really got one female friend and she’s mainly horrible about her. Growing up women were always been referred to as tarts, slappers etc.

Ibab interesting you should say that as my DM doesn’t really like women either. She’s only really got one female friend and she’s mainly horrible about her. Growing up women were always been referred to as tarts, slappers etc.

I think she's probably quite disappointed in your DB, but masks it by bigging him up to gain your acceptance and approval.

He’s had mental health problems all his life. Hadn’t worked since he was 20.

What is there about him to rave on about? Nothing.

What has he achieved in life? Career? No. Family? No
Home? Decorating for over a year. Hmmm

It doesn't sound like anything great in his life... so she convinces herself he's fabulous and tries to convince you too.

She knows deep down he ain't all that.

Mmmm, my mum no longer with us but was the same. DB never worked but sun shone out of his backside and if anyone criticised him she was down on us like a ton of bricks. She gave him most of her money without me knowing anything about it (but whilst telling cousins).

I always felt he was the golden child despite him being a lazy twat who was awful to her.

I have had some insightful conversations with an older cousin since she died. One being how DB was treated like a prince from the day he was born (Parents didn’t marry till 30s and mum then had miscarriage so he probably was her miracle child). How my cousin felt v sorry for me as a teenager - I never felt I was treated differently as a child, but definitely when older.

Mum also bragged about how bright he was compared to other relations - passed 11+ and went to grammar school but has been a layabout since whereas others have had successful careers. He still thinks he is better than others due to her.

More importantly, cousin also said mum was obsessed with men before she married (guess feeling she maybe wouldn’t meet anyone) and I do think that her preference for males carried on. She had quite a few sisters so it probably stemmed from sibling jealousy. I now realise that it wasn’t about me, but something deep in her didn’t like females.

She definitely favoured DB and looking back was much nicer to my DS than DD when they were younger. Both used to stay with her, separately, in hols. DD invariably got upset - mainly homesick, but I also now think mum was not particularly kind to her and that set a pattern.

I am now v LC with DB. Would prefer NC but current circumstances make that difficult at present.

As others say Op - concentrate on your own little family. My cousin said that to me when she knew about the money and I didn’t (I found out not long afterwards) and was trying to hint to me to distance myself.

Sandy has it in one. Would it be less hurtful/irritating to look at it that way?

I have a mother/Brother exactly like this I've had to go very reduced contact with my Mother and my brother has not contacted ted me in over 3 years, blanks me in the street blocked phone and social media of not just me but 90% of friends and family. Very strange but considering he is literally the 2nd coming as far as my mother is concerned I'm now not that bothered. After years of endless how wonderful he is it's refreshing to only hear it occasionally ( due to reduced mother cont at) the removal of stress by not dealing with the dramas that surround his car crash of a life? Priceless. Have you considered going reduced cont at with your mother? People may say she has rights as a grandparent? Her behaviour towards you and the stress this causes you as a family basically 'top' her rights

Consider maybe writing her a letter explaining all your feelings and take it from there...she can't shout back as you write so it helps get things across in a calm manner

Good luck and enjoy your beautiful children

I think Sandy has it spot on. That’s exactly what my DH says as well.

The thing is DB and I would be fine if it wasn’t for my mum banging on about him. I’m fine with what he’s like and have no expectations of him. I just don’t want to hear how great he is all the time

Family all seem to have a narrative of me being ungrateful despite me demonstrating far more graditude for what they do for me than he does. The Christmas present for example. Surely the normal reaction would just be to offer to exchange it or to say we can? But no, I’m ungrateful despite it not being what we asked for!

MissCherry I can’t realky go no contact as I need her help with the babies. My DH often works 12 hour shifts and we live rurally with shit transport links and no car. I’d be buggered without her help and she knows it!

Op - I am sorry - but to me you are coming off as jealous and not too empathetic.

Your mom has a son with MH issues. Who hasn’t turned up as much in life. That must be so so tough.
So - she tries to make herself feel better about it.

And you feel like she isn’t praising you enoug? Or that your issues aren’t taken serious?
Why does it needs to be a competition? Can’t you just be happy with your life, your family, your babies? Without the need to play childish sibling rivalry - and being upset at your mom, and making her feel bad....

Your parents seem to be there for you too, and help as they can.
And your brother - I feel sorry for him. And you would too, if not for the jealousy.

Does your mum acknowledge that your brother has/is MH / learning disorders/ non-NT?

The way she talks is kind of reminiscent of how my gran used to talk about my cousin, who had ASD and ADHD. "Oh isn't he good at X" was meant to build his confidence but ended up driving his sister mad.

Oh my parents do this, they think the sun shines out of my DB's arse (we joke about him needing Factor 1million for his bum) and I am... just there. DM will shoehorn him and his wife into every conversation and try to attribute positive traits/deeds of my DDs to him! She even spent their last visit calling me by SIL's name... SIL wasn't even there.
Luckily he and SIL are sensible and lovely people who are a bit embarrassed by it and we all get on well. They are expecting their first baby soon and I am quite worried that the new grandchild will be similarly worshipped.

Thanks. I reckon she's actually more proud to you...but will only tell people who you don't know about her DD and beautiful GC.

Do you honestly think she would tell her friends (if she has any) about how fantastic your DB is? There's nothing great about him.

I'll go further and say it's done to make her feel better. No matter what anyone says...if your child is unsuccessful in life...you see it as your failing as a parent. It reflects on you...even though it's not always the case.

So if she admits your DB isn't up to much...she sees it as a reflection of her as a mother. She's hoping you'll agree, so she feels better about it.... but when you don't...she tries even harder by saying something (a lie) to tug at your heartstrings ... hence the comment how good DB is with the twins!!!

She desperately wants you in her little world of DB is lovely... so it gives her a false sense (but real in her eyes) of what a brilliant mother she is... to have raised 2 lovely children.

She is desperate for your approval.

It's all about her

Strategies to cope...

Next time she starts...

1.change the topic.

1. Say..omg.. I forgot to reply to a msg from my friend X
2. "Oh mum"... you're a great help. Ignore comment about DB

1. Mentioned something one of the twins did.

1. Radio silence

Presumably she knows he's crap but can't bear it as being her son, he is her pride and joy. She may also not really be able to acknowledge that she has a son with mental health problems/autism who can't live independently.

So she over-compensates by bigging him up 'he's amazing with babies!!!!' when actually he's sat playing on a PS4 all afternoon to cover up for him.

Does neither you nor him any good at all.

I'm with MMmom I'm afraid.

She probably bigs you up to DB when she sees him. Maybe she is positive about him because she thinks you don't see eye to eye so she is trying to big you both up to one another.

Objectively your brother sounds like he might be having a hard time of life. Long term unemployed, MH condition(s) (which may also be responsible for feeling unable to invite people into his home), presumably not spouse or children, etc. Like someone else said, this may be to make your mum feel better about it.

And I'm also not sure what is about sewing the twins 5 times in 4 months or not feeling confident enough to hold them. That Seems normal (or not unusual anyway) especially if he has any issues with anxiety or intrusive thought etc (not clear what his MH issue is exactly)

That said, being empathetic doesn't mean you have to listen to her bang on about how great he is. Have a serious conversation about how devalued it makes you feel that she doesn't say nice things about you to you And how you feel he is preferred because of the way she acts. If she continues and is completely oblivious then the above suggestions could work. Ignoring, changing subject. Honestly if she kept doing it I would be tempted to actually take note and towards the end of a visit when she mentions him actually point out she has mentioned DB X times and hasn't asked you how you have been or paid any interest in you- that being a very specific example of her behaviour which she can't deny.

Wow not sewing the twins. Seeing!

My impression from your posting was that your mum is campaigning to brainwash you into believing his goodness so you will take him in/be his care giver after she passes.

I do empathise with his MH issues. I have them myself so I know what it’s like. Only mine were ignored growing up and I was always told I was the OK one despite much evidence to the contrary.

I do sympathise with DM too. My DF worked away and is quite detached emotionally. She had to shoulder the burden of two fucked up children alone and I suppose something had to give.

You make some really good suggestions @sandy. Thank you

Andtheband* I know they both worry about what will happen to DB when they are gone. Both parents have said they don’t know how he will cope on his own.

Mine does the same.
I don't mind my brother but we just aren't close. We don't send birthday cards or any of that (I used to but it was never reciprocated-which didn't bother me-we're just neither of us fussed). My mum called me on my birthday to demand to know why I hadn't sent my bother a card for his (two weeks previously-she had been staying with him at the time thus knew I hadn't). Usually I don't bite but this time I was really fed up and told her so. I assumed, rightly, that she hadn't Called my brother up to ask why he hadn't sent me a card!
It's always been the way it is and I just ignore it as far as possible because it won't change.