Advice please - am desperate!

[warwick87]

So last night, my DP was supporting me with my DS who was refusing to take plate downstairs to kitchen from his room - as he was gaming. This resulted in DS (age 17) telling DP (who doesn’t live with us BTW) to swear at DP quite viciously twice. DP went to challenge him, not being physical, which DS interpreted as physical and went into defence mode (his words) which ended with him pushing DP over, then ending in a bit of pushing and shoving. DP then left, telling me everything would be OK, and they would phone today. We have had a brief chat and made arrangements for tomorrow. We both said we’d not slept very well etc. On the phone DP was quite quiet, which isn’t unusual, but was clearly still unhappy.

I guess my question is WWYD? DS will be apologising to DP when they next see each other. Would you leave DP until we see each other tomorrow or reach out again? For context DS has ADHD and ASD and does fly off the handle very quickly. DS I think knows he has done wrong.

I don’t want things to end (we have been together for 15 months) but am scared DP will have been scared off by DS behaviour.

Any advice gratefully received!

Well I wouldn’t have got my DP involved in disciplining my teenage ds in the first place. An unrelated man who doesn’t even live there and is in no way a parental figure getting involved in that was never going to end well. Why make such a fuss about a plate? Tell him to bring it down when he’s finished 🤷‍♀️

I think in future you should deal with your DS by yourself.

Can your DS not apologise by phone or text to your DP now...rather than wait till they next see each other?

As above I would get DS to apologise for being violent which is obviously not excusable but make it clear DP isn't to wade in with any form of parenting in future. Really not his place.

ADHD and ASD are a red herring here. DD has the same and I read her signs and the situations well in advance to stop her getting to the point of feeling cornered and needing to react in this way.

Without meaning to come across as harsh or anything like that you should be managing these sort of situations not a very new DP who must feel quite out of his depth.

But , if your DP feels out of his depth how an earth is your son with ASD and ADHD feeling. That was a very extreme reaction to a request wasn’t it?

No excuse for your adult DP having some pushing and shoving with your teen son with extra needs or not, that isn’t on!

No advice in regards to your partner but I’d be looking for a calm moment to speak to your son and see how he feels about it all.