How can I lose the family label, am I being dramatic?

[isitme124]

ive always had a fractured relationship with my parents. i had a lot of sibling jealousy as a child and was pretty much left to my own devices while my sister was seen as the compliant, 'better' daughter - at least that is how i saw it as a child. she was easier going, i was labelled as difficult and so the cycle began...i was defensive and stroppy about them seeing my sister like this, and then turned my back on them, thereby making me out to be all those things even if i didnt want to be, if that makes sense?

i ended up forming a close relationship with a neigbour who was divorced, probably in her sixties at the time. i would go over there every night after school, sit and watch tv and then go home around 9pm to go to bed. this went on between the ages of 12 to 14, during which time i had anorexia. i cant remember if i ate dinner much at home during this time although it would definitely have been available for me as my mum always did dinner for the family.

i felt isolated but they maintained it was my own doing. my neighbour would often talk to me about what was going on with me at school, with my family, with my eating. in my eyes she was the only person who cared and i turned to her as a source of support and continuity in my life. my family said i was attention seeking and one day i recall my mum shouting "why are you always at her house, are you in love with her or something?" looking back on this as an adult i feel so sad. was she jealous? did she wonder why i did this? was she as lost as i was? i also hate her for not sitting me down and TALKING with me, taking the reigns as my mum, asking me to confide in her, not giving up until i talked or opened up. why didnt she do that?

i have always been labelled as the difficult one. even now i am referred to as that - behind closed doors i know they talk about me. whats strange is nobody in my adult life has said i was difficult. i have good friends and i feel free to be me when i am away from my parents. i get on with my sister and recently she said to me that she felt totally suffocated by the pedestal they put her on. she isnt ready or perhaps isnt as hurt by my paretns as me and she is reluctant to say too much about it all.

i think i need counselling to process all this. the above is one example of many things that werent quite right as a child. i have a gaping hole inside me where i wish i had that sense of security with my parents - mum in particular. i feel this was damaged as a child and i dont know how to develop it as an adult - is it even possible? i feel underlying frustration and anger with my parents even now and then feel waves of guilt at taking that out on them - of course it is seemingly out of nowhere to them as it is based on these memories as opposed to how they behave today.

can i move past this? can i lose this label they gave me? i feel it on me in every insecurity i have ever had.

i think i need counselling to process all this.

I agree. I think with help you can move past this, but you'll want real help not just randoms on the internet who may say helpful things or well-meant-but-unhelpful things.

That’s probably true xx

isitme124 from one random on the internet to another...

I don't think you are being dramatic.

I do think your parents maybe could not cope, they put your sister on a pedestal and made you the scape goat.

I agree with Trills you need some professional help to unpick all this.

Yes, you can change how people perceive you, to some extent, I believe, but most of all a skilled counsellor will help you work out how you want to move forward with this.

Just FYI I had OCD as a teen (I still have it to a lesser extent and it led to an eating disorder, the opposite of yours). My parents had no idea what to do and ignored it.

I wonder if (being charitable) your parents had no idea how to cope. They might or might not react well to an honest chat, but maybe your best move is to work out yourself and how you want to go.

Can I ask roughly how old you and your parents are?

Thanks for response. I’m early thirties and my mum was early twenties when she had me. Dad similar. I do think they didn’t know how to cope and in some ways that makes it easier to forgive, but the feelings of neglect are so strong. Even now I feel angry at what happened even though at a distance, these days, they are perfectly easy to get along with. It’s probably more me these days that makes an issue of something that doesn’t exist, simply based on deep rooted childhood feeling.

isitme124 thanks for replying. I personally think forgiveness is a very good thing. Quite apart from anything I'm a Christian!

However, also, forgiveness also can potentially release the person doing the forgiving from a kind of tangle from the past, IMHO.

Except it may only really 'work' to release you once you have processed some of those feelings.

I'd also say one aspect of forgiveness is that sometimes you may tell the other person you forgive them and they might say 'For what?' or they may say 'But I don't forgive you!" So sometimes knowing that the forgiveness you give is 'free' it is not tied to anything else, like the other person thanking you etc.

I do think some professional help would assist you in working out how you feel and how you can feel towards your parents. They were quite young when they had you, maybe they were overwhelmed. They were wrong in what they did but maybe there were reasons. It doesn't excuse what they did, but it may help you process it to see some of it from their side.

My friend's son has anorexia and it is very difficult for her to know how to deal with it. I am probably about your mum's age and I have a teenager now. I would like to think I am doing a great job but sometimes I feel I am hanging on by my fingernails!

Please get some professional help and I really wish you all the very best.