Is it me or him?

[Dustybelle]

I have been with my partner for over 10 years. We have one child age 9. But since I had my child things just haven't been right. I feel he hasn't grown up and now we are in a situation where I just don't know where to turn or what I want. Sex is a big thing. I have no sex drive and feel I have to do it to keep him happy....it's horrible as half the time he has been drinking the night before. He says it's not normal and if there is no sex there is no relationship. He has also said a quite a few times that I am a basket case or head case as I get annoyed and angry....over housework and money I have to tidy up after him and our child. I don't feel appreciated or wanted as he always says I am boring and miserable...I just feel so sad all the time and like I am the only grown up. Is it me am I being selfish? I try and talk but he doesn't see....he won't listen and just puts me down.

This is sad post and sounds like your DP isnt involved in family life much at all? Do you think you are suffering from depression as it sounds like you have felt low a long time. Have you family you can turn to? He doesnt sound very supportive or understanding at all

I have suffered depression/anxiety I also spoke to councillors but I realised it was my situation making me low not me as I get up go to work wash, take care of the house etc, at work I am happy. I feel on edge, years ago before our daughter we both cheated....I forgave and moved on, he didn't. After my daughter I stayed in and proved to him how much I was changed, I felt guilty I did everything to gain his trust. If I did go out he would question everything, my phone goes off he asks who it is... it got to a point where I think I can't be bothered, the inquisition is worse. Both families live miles away so support network isn't there. Last August we argued but he got in touch with a girl who lives 300 miles away, a girl he met before me. He drove all the way to be with her, apparently nothing happened apart from kissing but his intentions were there. I found out after our argument and after we had made up....he had told me he was going away with his friends. I tried to move on but one night he was out and the friends he was out with run like clockwork so he is always home at a certain time, one night he made up rubbish he missed a taxi. I felt it was odd and when he came home drunk -out of it I went through his phone, my gut said something was wrong and he was messaging this woman who apparently is a friend....I met her once and she was fat, she was all over my boyfriend and even told me they slept together. My boyfriend didn't believe me and said he will not contact her but that was a few years ago. I questioned him the next day he denied it because he deleted his messages. I don't trust him and he makes no effort to restore my faith, he just wants sex never pays me compliments I am worried any contact means sex. I don't feel loved or wanted I am just here to clean, look after our child. He moans when I clean up and says my life revolves round it. It doesn't I do 1 big clean once a week he doesn't help. He says I stress about money but I just want the best for us and to build a future and save for our own home. He burns money and doesn't think paying debts is an issue.

You said you have been together for 10 years and have a 9 years old, so pregnancy happenened very early in your relationship. Also that before your DC you cheated on each other. Was the baby the reason you are together? May be you were not very compatible and forced the relationship.

Besides all that, all this stress, lack of trust/cheating, ... is no way to live. Are you ready to leave? What your therapist think is best for you?is it helping?

No we have been together for 17 years....I must have mistyped. Everything was great, we got on we have lots in common Etc I cheated, he cheated we split for 5 months then got back together then about a year later I was pregnant....we were happy except he wasn't very supportive during the pregnancy....I see most dad's to be happy proud of the bump, talk to it come to antenatal classes etc he didn't come to any....it wasn't his thing?! With very little support when my daughter was born he would still be going out enjoying life drinking Etc. I did resent him. I stopped going to councillors a few years ago....every session I cried and cried about him and how he made me feel...I started to feel better and realise it was my situation making me unhappy. We split again for 3 months but he withheld money from me so I struggled....I did kick him out and he had no where to go...well he did but chose to stay in his van. We got back together and it was ok for a few weeks then back at square one.....it's just a mess. Part of me wants him to go but another part doesn't. I just feel deep down he doesn't love me. How can he love me if he thinks I am a basket case or so little of me. I know at Xmas we say not to get anything for eachother but I bought him aftershave, I love him or thought I did so I wanted to get him a little gift to open. I don't get thoes little gifts, the spontaneous gifts or gestures......I get so busy at work I forget to message him....he tells me off because I never messaged him....I just feel on edge.