Please help me drum up a bit of empathy for dh

[HeffalumpsDaughter]

I’ve fallen out of love with dh. I started noticing it nearly 4 years ago and just decided I was being daft and I just needed to work at it a bit more and try and be more positive. I’ve tried and I’ve tried to engage with him, to get him interested in anything I say or do, to do nice, thoughtful things for him and each time it’s just fallen flat and I’ve ended up resenting him a little bit more. I came to the decision a few months ago that after Christmas I was going to start putting the wheels in motion to leave him. I don’t want anyone else, I genuinely don’t think I ever want a relationship again, but I’m so unhappy that I’m snapping at dc’s and making life miserable for us all.

On Christmas Eve his DM had a heart attack. He rushed to his parents (300 miles away) and has been calling me a couple of times a day as he’s been completely blindsided by this and is distraught. And I don’t even give the tiniest shit.

I’ve never been close to his parents, we’ve rubbed along fine but no real relationship to speak of. I’m trying to be supportive to dh, to say the right things but all I can really think is that for years I’ve been begging for him to engage with me, show some emotion about anything, ask me whether I think AD’s are working after I was diagnosed with PND, come with me to the hospital when I was diagnosed with a life threatening illness, take any interest in his ds going through an ASD diagnosis and each time I was ignored. He’s not shown a flicker of concern for me (or dc’s really) during any of this.

But his dm is seriously ill and could possibly die. I feel absolutely wretched that I’ve come to the point where I actually feel slightly jealous/ resentful of his dm as he’s so concerned about her. I don’t want to play the game of ‘he’s been a twat to me so I’ll be one back’. I think I’m probably saying and doing the same things I would if I genuinely did care but I just don’t. And I’m so disappointed in myself that I can’t seem to drum up an ounce of sympathy for a seriously ill woman.

Any advice? Anyone ever been through similar?

Could he be ASD himself?

Quite possibly haffiana, it’s certainly something I’ve wondered about. Which possibly makes the whole thing even worse as our ds has ASD. I could understand ASD explaining some of his behaviour but I don’t think it explains the complete lack of interest in me.

No useful advice sorry but I don't think you are a bad person at all. Resentment is horrible and breeds bitterness - it sounds like you've done lots to try and stop it building and your OH has done nothing.

Have a read of this thread, OP. I think you will recognise the many descriptions of the lack of interest in it.

I don't think this is resentment or revenge or anything malign. It's simply that he doesn't care about you and despite years of trying you've got no response. You'd be odd and masochistic if you cared about and invested in him when he has given little to you.

ASD does t make people into unempatheic twats. That's a big fat myth IME.

I can’t get past you saying you don’t even give the tiniest shit.

That’s just nasty

WHat a difficult situation. I can see completely how you would struggle to muster much compassion for him given how he’s treated you over the years.

That said, it would be pretty brutal for him for you to leave right at this moment. Do you think you could muddle through a little longer until the shock etc has subsided and he has more of An idea of his mum’s prognosis? As you say, you don’t want to be unfeeling just because he has been, and as you have the empathy he lacks (even if it’s hard to summon right now) I think you would probably feel better ‘doing the right thing’ just in the short term, and then addressing the marriage when things are a bit stable (and leaving him if necessary).

Having said all that,I don’t think people could blame you If you decided to leave now.

It could just be that you have reached saturation point. I do that, where I worry and worry about something until I have no energy to worry any more and then I can’t even care.

I can’t get past you saying you don’t even give the tiniest shit.

That’s just nasty

Actually, no it's not. It's a reflection of the fact that she's tried to engage her H for a long time, and he's basically rejecting her and the DCs by ingnoring her/them. I think this was inevitable. His lack of interest has eroded any sympathy she may have had for him, it's effectively pushed her away. On the surface, though, OP feels she's acting normally, so he probably won't notice anything's wrong.

And ASD doesn't automatically mean someone has no empathy. I've taken some tests and I am highly likely to be diagnosed as having ASD. And I can do empathy fine.

OP, I think you'll be better off leaving. I can see why some posters suggesting waiting until his DM is better, but don't fall into the trap of constantly finding excuses not to leave.

I’m certainly not planning to leave until his dm gets better/ more stable. But it does confirm to me that there’s absolutely nothing left between us.

smallhorse I know it’s nasty which is why I’m trying to do everything to drum up some kind of sympathy for her.

There is a long running thread here about wives whose husbands have ASD. I see many similarities here.

Whatever the case, its largely futile to ask him to be "emotionally expressive" when he apparently simply doesn't strongly feel those emotions of affection and love that drive such expressions. He could feign them for a short while, but it wouldn't be sustainable.

You do have empathy op (look what you’ve said about your dc), just not for your dh. Unfortunately he’s eroded this with his actions over the years. You’re not a nasty person either, I’m afraid you are a victim of circumstances. Can you use this time to enjoy your dc over Christmas and start gathering all paperwork etc you’ll need when you leave?

I have read the wives of ASD husbands thread before as I have always wondered whether dh is autistic. A lot of the struggles people have with having a relationship with someone with ASD aren’t the things that bother me really - I’m not particularly sociable so I don’t mind missing out on things dh doesn’t want to do or I’m happy to go on my own if I do want to go.

But there are things that just don’t seem to fit. For example, he never feels it is necessary to tell me if he’s going out or when he’s going to be home (he works away and I never know which day he’ll be home). I’ve told him that it’s important for me to know if he’s going out as I need to make sure I know where both dc’s are and it’s important for the dc’s to know when their dad will be home as I’m the one who has to deal with their upset when he’s told them he’ll be home on Tuesday and just doesn’t arrive.

He’ll do it a couple of times after I mention it, then just go back to not telling me. I don’t see that as a particularly autistic trait. I’m giving him rules that make me and dc’s happy, that are easy to follow and don’t inconvenience him in anyway. And still he just forgets and doesn’t think it’s important. We were waiting for him in a restaurant that he’d promised to meet us in at a certain time as we had a family event afterwards. I call him as he’s 30 minutes late, he answers and tells me he’s in Berlin . And if I can’t cross he just huffs that he can’t do anything right. But that is not normal behaviour!

I wholeheartedly understand this. I was in a very similar situation over the summer and felt no empathy for my DP at all. He’s treated me with complete indifference during any illness and went on holiday when I was having surgery. I should have left him to be honest as my daughter is seeing an awful role model of relationships. Cold indifferent dad, angry resentment from her mum.

Thanks user1471462428. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only person that has felt this way. I’m generally a positive and (I like to think anyway) nice person. It’s really hammered home to me just how important it is that I leave this relationship though. I’m so frustrated and resentful of him that it’s actually changing my personality.

He called me earlier and I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him. I’ve sent him, his dsis and his dm some carefully thought out messages and ordered an enormous bunch of flowers to be delivered to her house (she should be out of hospital tomorrow) from dh. This has made me feel marginally less guilty.

If ASD explained his lack of concern for the OP then surely would apply across the board including his DM.

It's not that he can't or doesn't do emotion, he clearly does when it comes to his mother. He just doesn't really care about the OP.

My father is ASD and while he finds it hard to read emotion and nuance or express it, he's a very caring and considerate person.

The stereotypical ideas about what empathy difficulties mean one sees on here are very simplistic.

I agree with Shambu. Sometimes you have to recognise that as painful as it is they just don’t care about YOU. They may have empathy for others. In my case I’m just a domestic appliance. Someone to do all the shitwork of parenting while he wobbles about being the Disney dad of the year.

My DH of 8 years has ASD, I had a fit and was diagnosed with a neurological condition I became depressed and gained some weight when DH had a break down I took him to hospital appointments when my illness happened, he basically left me with 5 year old DD and told me to deal with it on my own.
I became much better DH begged me to give him another chance. I have but I don't trust him it's died and I think my love for him died too. I've never forgiven him for the lack of support

bibi I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. Do you think his lack of support was linked to his ASD at all? With my DH it seems so easy to tell myself that he’s like this as he may have ASD. But I have told him what I need from him and he won’t give it to me. I could kind of understand if he was missing cues that I needed support etc from him but I have expressly told him and he gave me nothing. Like you, even if he did express remorse and promise to change I think it’s probably too late. I’ve been worn down for years and all I feel towards him is resentment.

He’s coming back home tomorrow so I’ll see how he is then.

Yes I do think it's partly down toASD, he's a very selfish man, after my pregnancy with DD I was lighter than before pregnancy he told me I needed to go to the gym and tone up. No praise at all he always criticises me and never gives me any compliments when I ask him why he does this he says its so I can improve myself. DH doesn't think he does anything wrong his father who has ASD also thinks he's right all the time.

I don't blame you OP I've felt abandoned and unloved for years.

How was yesterday op?

I think he just sounds selfish. Maybe he has ASD maybe he doesn't but he's also just bloody self centred. Sounds like you've had a horrible time. You don't have to feel empathy. Be kind, because you can be without feeling anything but don't pressure yourself for empathy. You've just switched off to survive and frankly who wouldn't

The lack of interest is ASD related IMO.

Not everyone with ASD will be like that, but my mum is on the spectrum and isn't at all interested in my life in the way you'd expect a mother to be.

An example - I came home at 15 and said "I have a new boyfriend mum". Her response- "oh". I said "aren't you going to ask my anything about him?" and she said, "what am I supposed to ask?". It was a genuine question.

It wasn't until I was well into my 20s that I realised she didn't hate me and did love me. Realising she's autistic in my 30s did a lot to improve our relationship. There are things she just doesn't get and never will, such as my need for conversation about my life with her.

My mum is interested in the things that interest her. She's a generous, intelligent, warm hearted person. But conversation is very much on her terms. She talks about the things that interest her, and while she's interested in my job / DC's academic achievements, she's not really interested in talking about my emotions, relationships and definitely not small talk about subjects that don't interest her.

HeffalumpsDaughter I'd bet good money your DH is ASD. You won't change him. But you are not being at all unreasonable to want to be with someone who's interested in you. It's soul destroying not to be.

Give yourself a break about your feelings about his mum. You've been through the emotional wringer in your relationship and I'm not surprised your brain is protecting itself.

ASD can make people very self centred though. And it's often not unless you know them very well indeed, that you'd even realise this.

But he’s no being self centred about his dm. He’s been at the hospital from the minute they opened to visitors until he was kicked out in the evening. He came home yesterday and was distraught, trying to rearrange his work so he can go up again next week.

I was in hospital last year for 3 days. He didn’t come and visit me or even call me, and asked my dm to look after the dc because he was using up his annual leave and wanted to go on a bike ride